Grief

Grief is a strange thing.

Grief:
Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something to which a bond was formed. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has physical, cognitive, behavioral, social, and philosophical dimensions. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement refers to the state of loss, and grief is the reaction to loss.



It is a human thing. Animals experience change, confusion, reaction... but human's experience loss. We can feel it, sense it, taste it, smell it.
Memories bring every sensation back. Smell brings it back. Sight brings it back. Taste. Touch. Sound.
It never goes away. You lose them/it again, and then again, and again, again. It fades, but never leaves. It etches into your soul, carves a ragged gash that bleeds for what seems like forever and then scars. This happens to everyone, at some point in their lives.

I've lost all of my great grandparents and two uncles to death. I've lost friends to time, distance, difference, hurt, and anger. I have loved... and lost love. Old hurts fully scarred, new wounds fully bleeding, pain is a constant.

A mishap as a child left a scar of my head... to this day it hurts to touch it.
The scars in my heart are the same. I didn't lose my head though, when it was injured, it was just... changed. Shaped. Formed. My survival instinct is faster. I avoid danger more quickly, I flinch... often. Flinching gets me teased, but flinching has also kept me alive at times when I shouldn't be.
I gained a flinch from a scar. This is what I didn't learn about my soul until now. I thought loss took away from my soul, whittled away until hardly anything was left. Just a husk that imitated life, emotion, and feeling.
I missed the perspective, the understanding, the realizations, the new life, the hope, the gain. Loss consumed me until I had nothing but loss.
A dear friend of mine told me something someone told him once, "You have to let yourself hurt, however long that takes..." I'm good at that part, I can wallow for months, but he wasn't done. "And when you're done, you're done. You let it go, and move on." Being done, letting go, moving on. I struggle with this, we all do at some point.
God allows grief, I believe, because it grounds us. Without loss there isn't a desire for gain, and motivation would not exist.Without grief... we have nothing to express the loss. We need grief.

Not expressing grief, not showing the pain, refusing to release it from you... it creates a monster inside. One that chews away at who you are, who you want to be, and does its best to convince you that no one understands what you are experiencing. If you believe it, you become an exile... no matter how people reach out, hold you, love on you, push you. It becomes meaningless, life loses purpose and reason.

The monster made a grave error. It told me a lie I could not believe, and I ran to God. I should have been there all along, but I was lost in the fog. Now, the beast is chained, and it has to be starved. It has gorged itself on my fear and pain, I've seen it for what it is, but I am to weak to fight it. I'm not alone, I never was, and people do understand. "But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill." Psalms 3:3-4 (ESV)

I'm not doing well, but I'm also not defeated.

The wounded man, when asked how he is doing, will respond "Not good, but I am alive."

I am alive.

Light in the dark.

Darkness surrounds. The high fades. 

The rush of blood, once a roar, becomes a steady beating.

The moment has passed, but it is not gone.

The consequence of action remain.

Loss is life, life is loss.

Death rips away joy.

Where is the light? Where is the song?

The harp, that gentle strumming that filled the soul with wonder?

Thundering drums of war, replace the sound of peace.

Battle joined in the souls of men, silent war in the streets.

Passing gentleman, lost in the dark of a endless ladder.

Strutting lady, bears the scars of her shame.

I see a light, burning, red across the sky.

Edges orange, fading into black.

A new day will dawn.

In the light the shadows flee.

The day has come.

Shadows cling to the soul, the dark hides within.

Light must come from without, to blossom from within.

The seed must be planted, aged, watered, and fed.

The seed of light.

Small.

Tiny.

Burns.

Burns the shadows.

They screech, squirm.

They burrow into the dark.

The strongholds become stronger, the habits harder.

They scream the lies of defeat.

Mimic the voice of the victorious.

Distraction.

Apathy.

But...

Deep within.

Deeper still then all the muck.

There comes a sound.

A sound... that shakes the core.

A feeling.

Like the world stopped turning.

"I AM"

The darkness must flee.

The shadows must kneel.

Victory was won in surrender.

The battle was lost, but it ended the war.

Weak. "I give you my strength."

Drained. "Let me fill you."

Beaten. "Victory is yours."

Bruised. "I will heal you."

Lost. "I found you."

Forgotten. "I never forgot."

Invisible. "I see you."

"I AM"

"I AM"

"I AM"

"I WAS"

"I WILL BE"

Finite meets Infinite.

Redeemed.

Reconciled.

Remade.

Life.

Life worth living.

Hope worth sharing.

Lights in the darkness.

Where is the light?

Planted within.

Planted at surrender.

Externally feed, outward growth.

A new creation in whole.

Death of the old.

The process feeds the understanding.

The process shares the light.

Share the Light.

Steak Stirfry

Food:
Small Beef Steak
Broccoli
Sliced Carrots
Pineapple
Garlic Powder
Basil
Olive Oil
Red Wine
Salt and Pepper
Bacon Bits

Materials:
Stove
Mid Sized Sauce Pan
Pan (for Marinating)
Spoon (for Stirring)
Fork (for Tasting)
Knife (for Cutting)
Cutting Board (Or Paper Plate)

Start by cutting steak into squares.
Mix olive oil and red wine in pan, enough to cover bottom of it, then add enough water for it to be about a quarter to a half inch full.
A dash of salt, pepper, garlic powder, and basil.
Place meat in the pan and stir, then spread evenly and let sit for 15-30 minutes.
While that is marinating, slice the broccoli in halves and cut up the pineapple into chunks
 Once the meat is finished sitting, pour it and the marinating sauce into the sauce pan with the stove on high heat for about a minute.
set a little lower then med heat, and stir off and on for 5 minutes.
Add broccoli and pineapple, and sprinkle bacon bits.
Alternate between med and low heat, stirring and occasionally lifting the pan to disperse the heat.
For a more stir fry type meal, 40-50 minutes is required for the meat veggies and fruit to properly absorb the sauce.
For a more stew/soup type meal, 25-30 at higher temps will leave a nice thin, but tasty, broth.
Portion sizes are instinctual, as well as servings.

When a Community Prays

This is a bit premature, but I'm really excited!
My church is preparing to launch on the 19th of August, and about a week ago we were called as a body to fast and pray until the launch. The time has been exhilarating and incredibly encouraging.
See, I struggle with belonging, especially understanding that I truly do belong. The people in this church, and the changes God has made in my heart over the last year have only made it easier and more enjoyable.
But even in all this light, I struggled with that shadow of belonging. I remember hearing others talking about similar struggles and having a moment that really hit it home that they were home. I was excited for them, and saddened for myself. I knew I was accepted, I knew I was enjoyed, but belonging was a distant thing.
Now, no one messed up, no one made me feel rejected, ignored, or forgotten. Belonging is not for man to grant, but a gift from God alone. We don't belong in Christ until we reach the bottom of our sin and realize the depravity of our existence and our desperate need for salvation, crying out to Him we beg to be released and rescued from this living death.
It's the same in social settings, church attendance, and the mission fields. Among friends and family you can know you belong, but experiencing it requires the effort of sacrifice and love and God blesses it with a bonding of community that cannot be broken. Church attendance is good, consistent is better, but it is worthless on its' own. You will not experience the freedom of the worship, the excitement of praise, the deep exhilarating rush that is the terrifying beautiful presence of God.
                                           *                 *                  *
I have to switch gears and talk about this for a moment, the presence of God. I had an experience recently that was mind blowing. I was praying, a short simple prayer, when I felt torn to the ground. Falling on my face I was overcome by the reality of my pitiful existence, and I understood the terror that is Jehovah, and my existence as a sinful being was a unpardonable offense against Him. I cried out, "I am undone." It was as I would imagine getting pounced and mauled by a tiger would be like, the terror of the destruction but marveling at the beauty of the creature in its pure existence.
In the understanding of pure justice, I also saw the beauty of the mercy that was the death and resurrection of Christ. Fully Just, and Fully Love, Jehovah took pity on His creation and instead of destruction for all he offered a choice. Destruction by self, or Death of self. To allow our own sinful selves to destroy us, or to surrender our selves to His grace. Truly as it is said in Joel 2:13 "Come back to the Lord your God, because he is kind and shows mercy. He doesn't become angry quickly, and he has great love."
                                          *                *                   *
Back to my previous focus,
You will not experience those things without the surrendering daily to Christ, and allowing Him to work in you and through you. As for missions, if you work hard and speak well and serve faithfully, you will see some fruit of your labor. But, if you work as one who loves, and speak as one with compassion, and serve as one who knows what it means to be last, your harvest will overflow as Christ works through your faith in Him and returns to you what was sacrificed by giving you joy and contentment as His fields are picked for God's glory. This cannot happen unless God grants you that belonging to the land, and the people that you are reaching out towards.

I have my belonging now, I can feel it grow as my family sacrifices things loved, enjoyed, and desired. As their knees hit the ground and their souls scream out to heaven crying "Father! Be our hands, so as we work it will not be in vain. Walk before us, so our coming will be of joy to those who seek you. Wrap your shield around us, so that the enemy will be reminded of his defeat. Send your terror out before us, that those who oppose us will tremble at your Name. Purify us, so we will be without fault. Soften us, so we will show compassion. Guide our tongues, so we can speak truthfully and with wisdom. Mark us with your Seal, so we may speak and serve with the Authority of Christ. Fill our hearts with peace, so that we can live in peace. And so that our words will have meaning, our actions lasting, and our prayers power, teach us love that surpasses understanding and is without condition or desire of reward. Our Reward is you, Father. Bless you, and thank you. Amen."

Why We Do These Things.

"I'm a creature of habit."
How many times have any of us said that? My manager mentioned today that "You can't teach an old dog new tricks." Another often used statement.
One is a justification of a repeated action, the other is an excuse to avoid change.

Obviously my blog is not habitual for me, it is more... Monumental. I write when I feel like I have something worth writing about, and it itches in my head until the words spill out. Once they start I can't stop, doesn't matter what time it is or what I should be doing. If I stop writing... it's lost. Often forever.

I was watching a movie about a man who has no short term memory, and in order to function he has to create a pattern, a law, by which he lives his life. My life is rather chaotic, work, hangouts, people, and friends all have shifted and changed throughout my life. Some things remain consistent though, my favorite food, my favorite soda, and going to church on Sunday. The guy in the movie had his patterns, my patterns shift, but that remains constant. I go to Church, family vacations aside, I was there every Sunday.
At one point in my life, I chose not to go. I chose to break my foundation in that pattern, and I fell very far. God dragged me back, I was shriveled and broken. Lifeless. I had no value, no worth in this world. I had broken everything I said I'd never do. I had no good works...no personal value. God took my hand, though I wasn't aware of it at the time. He brought me back to my habit of church, it wasn't a safe place by any means, but it was a good place.
I began to heal, one step at a time. I never gave God the honor He deserved then, but He placed people in my life. Brought friendships back from the void, and still I was blind. I thought it was just me, going back to what had worked. No, Christ was standing beside me, though I ignored Him. We do that... We say what we did, how God worked for us, how we asked, how we prayed.
It's sickening...We've done nothing to deserve anything but the fire of hell, whether we know it or not. Jesus died and rose again, all I did was beg for forgiveness. God parted the Red Sea, Moses held a staff. God heals so many injuries and sicknesses, we only ask and believe He will.
What do I do? I wear a cross, in a design that fits me. It has sharp edges, so that I remember the pain He endured for me. I wear a ring, as a promise that I will not return from where I came from. It too has sharp edges. I don't wear them for anyone but me, they're my reminders.
More then that, I'm learning to live, with excellence, love, joy, peace, righteousness, and from the standpoint of salvation. Victory has already been won, I must now live in it.

We have our habits, our patterns, our reminders.
God wants them... He wants to change them.
I'm far from healed, but I've healed a great deal.
Will you learn new things? Will you heal?

Journey's End

Well, discipleship class is over. Nine months flew by, 32 weeks of classes finished. I'm writing this with the joy of one who completed a goal, the sadness of the absence of that community, and the expectation of the future. I, like Scott, enjoy symbolism and I chose the picture for this post purposefully. In the picture, the start and finish are the same line. As this class finished we crossed that line in celebration, remembering the blood, sweat, and many tears that went into that race. We weren't finished though, walking out the door we turned around and hit the starting line. Ready to go again on the next step.
Last night was beautiful, as Scott and his team continued to pour into us with teaching, food, and gifts for those with perfect attendance. We, the class, returned in kind with our words, our gestures, and our gifts. I'm so proud of our group, because we didn't just give them a gift card, or a letter. Some ingenious people in our group thought of giving them ourselves, by way of a book. Pictures of each of us, sharing memories of the class, and the verses of the bible dear to us. It was... our masterpiece. Something for Scott to look at and remember even more vividly the struggle, the tears, the love, and the victory. A monument, that his team's hard work and sacrifice was not in vain.
Through our memories, and our verses, we were telling him, "We got it. We understand. We know. We will press on." We learned so much, and there were times where we all wanted to quit, some of us did, but there is sweetness in the victory of accomplishing such a long commitment.
I watched people struggle through death, addiction, injury, anger, hate, loss, and depression. I remember the voice crying out, "I am ANGRY!" and the same voice telling us later in the year truths of God, as they healed. People battled with their jobs, and families. Everyone had something or someone trying to pull them away. No one was not attacked. "We fight not for victory, but from victory." That became the battle cry for many. "FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real." Changed our views on how to understand, see, and combat lies told to us, by us, the world, others, and the enemy. So many more statements, but the biggest one and the one I'll end on.
"Remember to see Jesus in everything you do."

Thank you,
Scott, Julie, and Janice
For your Faith, Dedication, Sacrifice, and Passion
This blog could not have been written without your obedience to Christ.
God bless and be glorified in everything you say and do, from now until His return.

Dancing with Fireflies

I went for a walk tonight. My friend and I found a trail next to a shopping center and we walked, back and forth. Talking, praying. I did most of the talking, and he mostly prayed. It was a gorgeous night, the sky was dark blue, and the horizon was a line of gold fire, and spectacular colors were everywhere. The greens of the path, the dark shadows as the sun set, the fading light in the sky. As we walked, and the light faded, fireflies began to appear. Anyone who was ever a kid in North Carolina knows what fireflies mean. Summer is nearly here.
Now, this isn't about summer, or walking, or sunsets, or time with friends. It's about something I thought about as my friend was praying. I got this image of instead of walking, he and I were dancing down this path and fireflies rushed out the trees all around us... And suddenly... He was there. God was dancing with us, pure joy not corrupted or hidden by the scars and weights of this life. We were expressing ourselves, the cries of our hearts, and the image faded away. But it left hope behind, because one day there will be a new earth and I want to dance down sunset trails dancing with fireflies with my Lord.
Then there will be no shame, embarrassment, or fear.
Only Him, and Him alone.

Love is Blind

Its a common enough saying, "love is blind." People use it when someone falls in love with a "socially unacceptable" person and those people get a free pass from being ostracized because "love is blind". Mothers love their children regardless of who or what they become, again because "love is blind."

I think this is a ridiculous statement if you know what love is. Allow me to explain.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ESV

⁴  Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant ⁵ or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; ⁶ it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, butrejoices with the truth. ⁷  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
⁸ Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.


How can love be blind? In order to be patient you have to choose to not react in anger, to be kind you have to respond when someone isn't. To not envy, boast, or be arrogant one must see their own fallen human status. To not be rude, irritable, resentful, or insist on having your own way you have to view others above yourself. To not rejoice at something wrong you have to see it, be around it, and not react in approval. To rejoice in the truth, you must see the difference between truth and a lie. Love must bear, hope, and endure; you can't blindly hope, believe, or endure the things in this world.
How can love ever be blind?


Love sees everything and gives a hug. Love hears the hurtful words and responds with kindness. Love sits through the long hours of the night, spends hours in prayer, and allows the world to break on it like waves on rocks. Love forgives no matter the offense, love is NOT blind. You cannot express love without seeing people and situations as they are, and the greatest testimony that can ever be given is to show love when it is undeserving.


We were loved while we were far from God, He sought us when we were lost in darkness. We didn't find Him, He called us.
Have we shown love? Or anger, hate, bitterness...
Love... there's nothing that anyone can argue against it. No one can argue that anything above is not worthwhile to express.
Maybe it appears as though we are blind... but we're looking beyond the surface. Something is underneath, and it is more than the sum of the outward appearance. A value worth in innocently shed blood, sacrificially given to those undeserving. A gift of freedom and love, a gift meant to be shared, not hoarded for ourselves.
Let us show love! Let us LIVE in the attitude of love. Spreading throughout our families, and friends, so that no one can question who we are and who our Lord God is.
Onward we go...

A God Who Whispers

“A voice had begun to sing. It was very far away and Digory found it hard to decide from what direction it was coming. Sometimes it seemed to come from all directions at once. Sometimes he almost thought it was coming out of the earth beneath them. Its lower notes were deep enough to be the voice of the earth herself. There were no words. It was hardly a tune. But it was beyond comparison, the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Magician's Nephew


This is knowing Christ, and experiencing our limited understanding of God. Something beyond our comprehension, that we know to be the most beautiful thing in existence. Hearing that song, in the crazy insane mess of noise that our lives are involved in, even in church it is nearly impossible. Noise! Noise... Talking, whispering, music, preaching, teaching, cars, bills, yelling, screaming, laughter, and in the midst of all that we're supposed to hear the voice of God. 
Why does God whisper? If the noises of our lives are so loud, why doesn't He sound trumpets, speak through a thunderclap, or write on walls? Well, have you ever listened to someone who couldn't speak up? In order to hear them you must draw close, you have to have your head as close to them as possible to hear and understand. What must you do to be in that position? You have to stop what you're doing, remove distractions, and pay attention. God is longing for this, for us to do just that. That is why I believe He whispers, because it requires us to concentrate on Him, instead of everything else.


"Let there be Light." and it was so. I can say whatever I want, stand on my head, do a dance, scream until my voice is gone and my throat is raw, but light is not appear at my command. Who am I to contend with Him... I can't even form a complete sentence some days, and I try to live as though I'm too good or too bad for HIM. In pride one day, in shame the next.
May it be that I find the balance, between confidence in my course and accepting His restoration, and only by His grace.


Farther up and farther in! 

Small Wounds...

I work on cars, injury is apart of my job. Pushing through pain is part of my life, I don't know why, but at almost twenty two I spend most of my time in pain. My hands, back, wrists, ankles, neck, hips, and shoulders. I'm sensitive to light, and have regular headaches. They aren't major or debilitating, but they are frustrating. I'm not writing this to complain, because it leads into this.
I've had most of these since I was a teenager, and I would complain a lot. Adults, my dad, mostly men, would always tell me "you're too young to be hurting." or "don't complain to old people about pain." I think older people forget that kids, teenagers, and young adults hurt too. Any kid in sports, my self being one of those, can tell you about pain. Any kid that grew up on a farm, any young girl taking horse riding lessons, and any martial arts kid can tell you about pain. Now, this isn't an old person bash, I think kids need to understand something too. That the worst pains we've felt, can not compare to the pain of age. The physical and mental weight of years. This is a hard world, full of hard people who have endured.
I learned eventually to suck up, and keep going. I tucked all my pain away and keep going. But, like I said, it's more frustrating that debilitating.
Now, my dad understands pain. Burns over a good portion of his body from a brush fire, scars from his accident on a motorcycle, scarred and calloused hands from 15+ years of hard labor under hoods of all types of vehicles. Scarred and calloused hands from a lifetime of hard labor. I remember days... watching my dad get ready for work. hearing the painful grunt as he stood, watching him limp to the truck because his arthritics was hurting him, watching his hands curl up until he could work the stiffness out of them. And on his day off... he was out in the yard, or cleaning the endless bottomless storage room, and making trips to the dump.
As real life kicks me in the gut, hard long hours at work, painful cuts in bad places on the hands that I need to use to work, stiff joints that scream for relief... I think of this


By the sweat of your face
you shall eat bread,
till you return to the ground,
for out of it you were taken;
for you are dust,
and to dust you shall return.”
(Genesis 3:19 ESV)


Anything that makes you sweat, you will remember, and if you will remember then you can learn from it. I'm not going to go out of this life with a painless perfect body. Hopefully my years will be long, hard, and blessed. But if they are long, hard, and cursed as the ground is upon which I tread, still I will work, and hopefully I will work hard. Hard work yields respect, teaches humility, sets an example, and gets the job done. Laziness yields contempt, inflates pride, also sets an example, and gets nothing done.
God may have cursed the earth, but he blessed Adam with the ability to work. Adam would remember that first green plant, the birth of the first lamb, the cries of his sons... why? Because it was hard, and there were scars, easy things pass from memory, the hard remain forever.
Work hard my brothers, humble yourselves before God and man, set the example!

A Word Whispered in Silence...

But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart. 

(Luke 2:19 ESV)

Sometimes I have an issue with talking... words tumble and spill out of my face, rambling and lost. They lack direction and substance, words half considered, thoughts hardly complete. They are the mutterings of better men, the thoughts of those wiser than I.

But this... this is me.

Words have been whispered in my ear, the kind that would have shattered the foundations of worlds. Secret words that I could not repeat to you, the kind that would cause me to lose my mind simply trying to describe to you the depth, the color, the scent, the feeling. THOSE words, frozen in our minds, they exist forever. They bring tears to our eyes, cause our hearts to skip, and our stomachs churn. They bring joy, and also sorrow.

These are not words mentioned in jest, or spread around to become vile and common. They shaped the world, brought proud men to their knees weeping. Caused death to fall upon the liar and the cheat. The ground swallowed nations at their utterance.  They are the words that caused a man of royal dignity to dance with no shame among the common. The caused a mass murderer to evangelize the known world. A thief to beg forgiveness as he hung in agony from one in equal position.

I heard these words, and forever I will ponder them in my soul. I cannot explain them to you, they have too much substance to be formulated into a phrase, to express in vocal or written language. My brothers and sisters... you know of what I speak. This love, the forgiveness, the mercy and grace, the sacrifice, the LIFE! Words cannot explain and yet we must speak! Actions are hollow and vain but still we will act! A martyr's death with The Name on our lips would be but dust in the wind and still we would die! Something so Pure, so Holy, a secret knowledge shared among the brethren of the depth of our allegiance. Eternity is too short for us, once we are capable of speaking those words back to Him, to tell Him of our gratitude!

These words cannot be spoken in this life, but they can be seen, felt, sensed, understood! If we hold fast to this foundation of eternal stone, no attack of the enemy will succeed. He has already lost, he is not the king of hell, he is not the lord of death, and the looming scythe will not fall by his hand. We have nothing to fear from a liar, a cheat, a shadow whispering evil in the dark, a twisted darkness disguised as light.

God has cast him out of heaven, and a time is coming when he will be cast into the lake of fire to endure eternal torment. So will others... if we don't LIVE as those alive. We live among the dead and play-act at life, when we should live life by dying. People will never hear the secret words that resonate in their souls, they will never experience life whole and complete if we live the lives of the dead. God is all that is of importance in this life... His are the Secret Words, private, personal, but passionate and LOUD! I want to live so that I don't have to use words, so that I will be invisible and that the atheist will acknowledge that there is a God in Heaven, and that my Brothers and Sisters would fall with me on our faces with one goal and purpose. 

To worship our God and to love Him with all of our strength, mind, and will.

You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.

(Deuteronomy 6:5 ESV)

Transcendent Worship

The reason I chose "transcendent" is because I feel like all worship should be transcendent, and an experience I had recently was what brought the idea to my mind.
I was at a service at my, now, old church and it was my last day. During the worship I decided to try something I had thought about, and so mentally I envisioned myself singing alone before Christ, not on a stage but at His feet standing on the crystal sea that was spread before His feet. It was beautiful and wonderful.
Later that same day I met up with the church plant team I had joined and we had a small worship service of our own, and I did the same mental exercise but this time I wasn't alone! The entire team was there, and I realized that God has placed me with a group of people who understand what it means for Christ to be our goal, and who understand what it means to transcend the physical in seeking Christ.
I look forward to the powerful impact God is going to create through these people, and it is an honor to be among each of them.
It is crazy to realize that I am a part of a close, personal family in Christ; I'm naturally skeptical because... well, I honestly never believed that it would happen. I never thought there'd be a group of people that I'd connect with the way I have with these people. I'm pretty stoked about what's happening, and I cannot wait to see what God has in store.
It has not been wonderful rose-petal-covered pathways; it's been rough, and painful. The enemy has his sights on us, and the temptation to try and "slide by" is great. But we cannot, we must be alive and alert. God has called us to something, and any halfhearted efforts will be destructive to the whole.
Not only should we worship transcendently, but we should live in it too. We are more than bodies gathering to make noise, we are children of a King and our lives are examples of Him.
Shame on me, for the days where I choose to live outside of His design. Shame on any who claim Jesus and show no compassion, no love, whose fruits are rotten and worthless. We should repent, turning our backs on who we were and accepting the life given to us. May love and compassion be our lives, may forgiveness and acceptance be our call, may we challenge as strongly as we comfort, and live differently from the world. Moderation and denial of self, not to punish ourselves but always to the freeing of our focus so that we may know more of Christ Jesus our Lord.
What a gift... Freedom from shame, guilt, and condemnation, we are justified in Christ. Washed symbolically in His blood thrown against the alter as a sin offering. The Old Testament is full of blood... so much blood, so much "innocent" blood, so that God's children could live holy lives. The burnt offerings were pleasing to God, not because He is a barbaric god, but because correctly done and with a longing heart His people were seeking Him. Even God Himself grew disgusted by the smell of burning flesh when it became an excuse to live however they pleased. He called to them, saying how He desired their obedience over their sacrifice.
I am guilty of this... begging forgiveness after choosing to sin. God is not pleased by this... OBEY! and you will have no need of guilt, no shame shall hold you, blameless will you live before the world and the Lord your God! This is what God longs for, holy unions between His heart and ours, not marred by selfish desire and the depravity of this life. We are called to suffer and struggle in this life, so that peace will come in the next. So that OTHERS might follow God, so that they too can experience this forgiveness. So that they too can live free that the witness and testimony of their lives would point others to Christ.  THIS is a Transcendent Life! “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
(Matthew 22:37-40 ESV)





















God be glorified!

transcendent |tranˈsendənt|adjectivebeyond or above the range of normal or merely physical human experience : the search for a transcendent level of knowledge.• surpassing the ordinary; exceptional : the conductor was described as a “transcendent genius.”• (of God) existing apart from and not subject to the limitations of the material universe. Often contrasted with immanent.

"and sin no more..."

There is darkness that fills the earth
My heart was once filled with it, and it consumed my mind and soul
There was no freedom as it ate away at me
Hope was but a phantom of an idea, a concept one could not grasp

Tendrils choked life away from me, oblivious was I indeed
I knew not the value of what was being stole from me
Cheap it was, pointless and useless
I heard words then, words of light and hope

Concept became real, fantasy truth before my eyes
I surrendered all to this, to someone hardly known
I was promised life eternal, but there would be a price
A price not paid by me...

A man gave his life, a man outside of time
This man was the Son of God, sent with purpose
He came to heal the sick, and find the lost
He came to die that I might not

Young was I, and lost in thought
I missed the value, ignored the cost
Shamed the name that took my sin
And threw away the cross

Always faithful, never forsaking
He stood with open arms, just waiting
And every time I turned my back, he said with love I cannot understand
"Still I am here."

I still fall away, I have turned my back shamed again and again
And again he said "paid in full, return and sin no more."
I am weak, but he has promised strength from him alone
Father embrace your son, for home I do return.

John 8:11 She said, "No one, Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."

Restoration in the Midst of God's Work

Ephesians 2:14-18 
    For he himself is our peace, who has made the two groups one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by setting aside in his flesh the law with its commands and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new humanity out of the two, thus making peace, and in one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.


Can I just say... God is awesome! God has been revealing so much about my heart and the life I've been living and how it compares to the life I should live. But these have not been the truly big deals going on in my life as of late. I have joined a church plant in the Brier Creek area and God has put me with some incredible people. But speaking of people...
One of the people on the team is a friend of mine, and this friend and I have had a really rocky few years. We've had spats, some of them petty, some quite serious. Well, I heard he was thinking of coming on the plant, and my heart jumped into my throat. The enemy took this moment to pound thoughts against me, thinking of how terrible it would be, and how much of a struggle it would end up being trying to stay civil, and just on and on the thoughts went.
Well, God stepped in and revealed himself strongly on my heart. And the incredible thing was how my heart just stepped in line with his, and we agreed that this plant is about God, and about spreading his kingdom in our city, and any squabbles between his children either need to be shelved or dealt with. So I just said to God, "This is bigger than me, or him, and if our passion is truly for you, then this would sort itself." Another friend even told me when I mentioned my fears, that God would deal with it and I wouldn't have to do anything.
Her statement was so true, God worked everything out perfectly. My friend and I ended up getting coffee, and just hanging out. We talked about the plant, and how excited about it we were. As we talked we shared our stories and found out they were so similar that only God could be involved. We had both been worried about each other being on the plant, and God changed both our hearts, and our surrender rewarded the restoration of a friendship in a way that no mental or physical work of our own could have ever brought about so complete a turn around of personality in our friendship.
This is such a perfect picture of how God can move when his people are sold out for him, there is a harmony of soul and spirit that leaves us breathless and laughing for joy. It causes us to run to him, and just leaping with joy like a child, saying "Look! Look! These incredible things are what you did!" We run around telling others, "God is awesome! Look at what he did!" It's also a perfect picture of how God takes to very imperfect people, and gives them the same passion and tools to do something. They become more than themselves, a part of a movement that makes everything pale in comparison to the work God has placed before them.
Now, there will still be struggles, I have no doubt me and this friend will be at odds again sometime in the future, but our God is bigger than those odds. If we stay true to God, then our hearts will be willing to compromise, and to further God's kingdom at whatever cost it might be to our pride and desires.
I just want to praise God for all he has been doing lately, I'm getting blown away more and more each time something incredible has happened.

Avoided and Forgotten

For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.

John 3:17

This verse is overlooked, and I think that it is often forgotten as it is over shadowed by its big brother that comes right before it. As Christians I think we should live this, and as humans we avoid it because it means we have to act, and deny ourselves the pleasure of condemning others. We derive pleasure from standing over others, and asserting ourselves as superior. We should be servants.

Wait... Servants? We're children of the king, we should be treated royally. We should not be serving others. Wrong! Jesus, the kings of kings, washed the feet of his followers. Feet that are dirty from the dust of the road, filthy in a way that we today rarely comprehend. God himself was washing the lowly feet of fishermen and tax collectors. We won't even smile at a homeless man. We turn our backs on the fatherless child, and far be it that we help the mother out. She's a whore and slut, she deserves to struggle and we would dirty our hands should we help them. We don't want to associate ourselves with the sinners... And we condemn them by our actions. And by condemning them we condemn ourselves. Our actions say, we are more important than others, and those others think that God values those people more. God's heart is broken by the sin that we commit in these actions. How can we claim to follow Christ? We can't even care for the least of these. Humbled I am, and ashamed. I have not lived this... Far from it. The anger and disgust expressed here is at my past self, and who I used to be, and who I no longer wish to be. We need to rise up, brothers and sisters, and live this out more than ever in these days.

Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

Matthew 25:45-46

Overused and Misunderstood

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

The most used verse in all the Bible, it carries a weight, and a depth of meaning that has become diluted and devalued. We're talking about a death...and our diluted senses practically shrug. Death is all around us in movies, books,and TV shows. It's flashy and dramatic, or quick and seemingly painless. Life has lost value to us as a western culture.
Christ suffered a cruel death... Agony to the limit that any human body can endure... The worst form of torture. And then, worse than death, God turned His back on His Son and denied Himself community with Himself. Allowing the sin of all humanity to come crashing down on Jesus. Every lie, every theft, every affair, murder, rape, moment of envy, angry shout, bruising hit, bow before an idol, every moment a human being chooses not to live for God, came crashing down on Jesus. And the agony of the physical suffering that day became nothing in comparison to His soul freely accepting the punishment intended for us. But this would be meaningless if God had kept His back turned, but He did not. Jesus rose again under His own power. He was reunited with His father and they were once again whole and complete in in each other.
Because of His death and resurrection, we can believe and trust that He was indeed the Son of God. We also can understand that our sins are washed away. I think, though, if we truly understood the agony of Christ's suffering on our behalf...if we lived every day by saying Jesus suffered and died for me today, we would live differently.

Where is Your heart?

Mark 7:20-23
And he said, "What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person."

A person's actions and choices, not what they eat, is what defiles them. This is a warning against sin, and a deeper understanding of the heart and mind of God. God is more interested in the heart than what we eat, more interested in why we eat than how we eat it. This includes how we dress, act, movies we watch, and how we treat others.

God would rather us dress modest and simply so as to keep others from judgement and temptation than for us to dress flashy and in gold bringing honor to ourselves. But, if their heart is pure seeking only to honor God, then a man could wear the finest clothes in the land and still honor God in his dress. The heart is the most important part, and should not be used as an excuse to dress immodestly or to act immorally. Because, if your heart is truly right, then you have no need to justify your actions, and your actions will not be immoral. Your actions will be confirmed in your spirit, and in Scripture, and there will be no difference between them. If you need to explain to someone younger in faith or a non-believer, it should be Scripture-based and not violent, you should be compassionate and understanding of someone's ignorance. It all comes back to where your heart is, and we should all seek to have a heart after Christ.

This is what I strive for though I struggle every day.

If Jesus were on earth today...

I pondered the other day, what would Jesus be doing if He were here today. It shamed me... He would be living in the moment, caring for people, and showing love all the time. Me? I was grumpy, caught up in my own desires, wishing for myself, feeling bad about what I didn't have, frustrated over finite things. I ignored people in need... Did not encourage... Sought only for myself. I did not seek God, or follow Him.

I also thought about today, who would Jesus visit if He came to earth. Not the President, nor the Emperors throughout the world, not even the kings. He would approach the child making castles in the sand, ride up as royalty, request audience, and treat the child as His own. He'd play, and laugh with him. He would then visit the beggar, and would sit with him in the dirt, hear his story, cry with him, and heal his hurts. He would care for the least of these, not add to the pompous pride of people who ignore Him. I'd be there, expecting a visit from God, and confused as to why He visited the dirty man on the street corner.

I thought about myself today... And wondered why God didn't protect me, was not giving me strength, and feeling as though I was alone. I realized... I was wearing the clothes of the enemy, hanging their symbol around my neck, branding their brand upon myself, and then crying out to God. I was indignant and angry. He wanted to help me, and already had. He gave me the choice; Choose the enemy, or choose Him. I chose the enemy... And then had the gall to question God working in my life.

I'm sick and tired of this; of living a life flip flopping from loyalty to loyalty. It is immature and unholy, self destructive and self gratifying. I can't do it myself... I have to learn to submit myself to God, and humble my pride.

I have a long way to go.

Agony

Agony. To be in a state of mental or physical anguish. Intense pain and suffering. Agony can exist in the heart, the mind, and the body. It is terrible, and horrific. You feel alone, without any escape. People sometimes try and say it isn't as bad as it could be, or they've suffered worse. Your heart sinks, cause its the worse YOU'VE ever suffered, can't they understand that? I write this, not having passed through, but while in agony. Agony of my soul and mind, which is leading to suffering in my body. This agony, is of addiction, but not from indulgence. Quitting... Quitting an addiction is like tearing off a finger, or a limb. It has been with you so long it is a part of you. I've walked away from it, but it chases me. I'm out of breath, it catches me and tries to seduce me. It demands my attention, my focus, and it reminds me of the pleasure. How much I long for it, how we can help each other, how it will complete me. I still deny it, and it becomes angry. It roars and claws at my heart and soul, trying to crush me, force me, it reminds me that I've failed time and again. I roar back, clenched fists and rage. The mental withdraw causing my head to pound, and the physical reactions causing me to shake. I want to pound my head into a wall, and tear off my skin. This is what we hide on Sunday's, this is the reality of denying yourself and choosing to not fall away. You beg for escape, relief, anything to get away. You grow discouraged and heart broken. You feel like a failure all the time.... Sometimes I just throw my hands up and give up. But that sense of failure, the guilt, the shame, that pounding overwhelming sense of dread and crushing despair is all LIES! They are lies, Satan and his minions twisting you and me. Evil trying to tie up our focus and abilities so we know nothing but our own suffering. I know... There has to be an escape. God promised that there is no temptation we cannot resist if we surrender to Him. God has given me his Spirit, and a guide, and brothers and sisters to help me escape, and fight back. I'm not alone, God stands before me and behind me. I'm exhausted...but I have to ask God for strength. Run. Fight. Surrender to God alone.

Where two or more...

Going for a walk

Today has been interesting, but I'll get to that. This week has been rough, lots of late nights, long conversations, crazy adventures. I'm worn out, so today I've been lazing around, it's my day off and my normal plans are not happening. I slept in, missed a meeting, did my taxes, watched some movies. And reached a point where I was just... Down.
I missed my family, I missed the way things used to be, I missed my dog, even missed my cat... I finally dragged my butt out of the apartment and decided to get some food. As I left I glanced over the railing and I thought "What is keeping me from running and jumping over that and just seeing what happens?" (I live on the third floor) I looked around, there was children, people working, cars driving. And all I could think was that, it wasn't a job, the chance at being a father and husband, or life it self that had any sway on me jumping right then. It was that there is something more to life, and that I was seeking it.
 As time went on I left, got some food, and ended up at a park I knew had a trail. I started walking, and felt the stress and tension from my week begin to uncurl from my gut. I kept walking passing other people, some walking, some running, others biking. Then this one lady passed me with a dog, a lab and retriever mix that was the exact size of dog I wanted.
As I passed the lady mentioned what a beautiful day it was, that statement ripped me out of my self centered thinking and caused me to really look around, it was a beautiful day. The dog ended up stopping and with those sweet brown eyes looked up and me and just demanded attention. His owner laughed and said "it's interesting who he picks out, normally blonde women, tall ones. Most guys he just blows right by." Wally (the dog) might have sensed my need of that fur between my fingers, or my loneliness. Maybe he was sent by God, I don't know. But I know it was a blessing.
After parting ways with Wally, I kept walking and found a spot by the creek. Which is where I'm writing this from. The sound of the creek is relaxing, and I realized how often I blow past these... Relaxing points in my life, and instead of going out and taking advantage of them, I hole up and do nothing, and just exist instead of enjoying God's world...
I'm gonna keep walking and see what else can be found.

50th Post or A Return from a long absence

So, I haven't written in a really long time. Honestly, I've been afraid to. I'm normally fairly public with my life, I never want to feel like I'm hiding for any reason. Fairly public is a good way of saying I'm open, but not always about the important things.

My writings reflect me, and I have to be careful because I can shape myself into what ever I wish to be. I can share only the good and make myself appear to have no problems, I can complain all the time and make my life sound horrible. With my writing I can make people celebrate, or hurt, understand, love, or hate. Not because I am an amazing writer, or have some special skill. That is simply the nature of writing, that is the power of words. But not only the written words, but the spoken, mulled over, considered, hinted, feigned, possible, and thought of. Those words have power.

There's a reason God spoke, had his people write, had monuments and alters. They are remembrances, for us to remember His power and promises. The unspoken words have had a major control over my life. What people didn't say was often more important to me than what they did say. I would go over possible things, base then off of things they had said about others, and even fuel my own self-disgust with things things they MIGHT be thinking.

It was a foothold that allowed the enemy to take hold of me and take control. I hated myself, believed I was a horrendous friend, not worthy of any affection and love. I grew paranoid and frightened, anything out of the ordinary was something I had screwed up. It was terrible, I lived most of my life that way. Last year I shut myself away, became everything I despised, locked away my "Christian" nature and lived how I pleased. It didn't last long, but it felt like forever. Even when I "rejoined the fold" I was still broken, and I believed that who I was had been lost forever, and needed to be created anew. That is what being a Christian meant, right? A new creature. New life.

But God had other plans. I had a hunger, a sickness that couldn't be cured, a desire like something lost in a dream. I was seeking something, and I heard about a class. People said that it was like "going through hell" and they said it laughing, smiling. I wanted that, I didn't want a life of ease, I wanted to struggle. I didn't know that then, but something rose up in me, and I knew I had to be in that class.

There's nothing magical about the class, it's just a gathering of people who are seeking God, and because they are seeking... We are finding Him. He is revealing Himself in us, the seeds planted are being watered and they are exploding in growth. My most recent growth was a startling revelation. I, or rather God showed me, that I had been running, not from God, but from myself, who He wanted me to be. I had already been created new, and was being renewed every day. But I couldn't shape me, I didn't know how. I had to let God. To let Him love me, and show me. He showed me how I had used my anger to drive wedges in friendships, my bitterness to poison the waters of fellowship. Out of my own denial of who I was in Christ, the enemy had a heyday and damaged many things. God will rebuild or restore, but I first had to accept my own failures, and give them up. To no longer accept ownership of them, Jesus died so I could walk away from sin, and His Spirit is within me to give me the choice to say no to anything unholy.

I have given up a few things I held dear, and gained new ones. Better by far than what was given up. I have hope again...joy holding steady. Love, compassion, caring. Desires to help, and a sense of direction. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know my next steps. I'm ok with not knowing the whole picture. My temper is lower, my anger not so quick, I'm letting go of old frustrations. Old hurts. I'm growing. It hasn't been easy, the desire to just give up rears its head, but I have to give it to God, or cast it away in the name of Christ. I still stumble, but God hasn't let me fall. If I lean on Him, I will always be given a away to escape temptation.

So, onward I go.