Buzz

Has anyone noticed I try to sum up my entire post in one word in the titles? If you did, did you know I select my title first? So, I'm not sure if I write my blog based on my title or if my title is based on my blog. Hmmm...

Well, my mind is buzzing... and I don't know why. I've got a lot on my mind but it's mostly junk, like stuff I need to return tomorrow, getting to work on time, are my work clothes clean, when am I going to bed tonight or this morning. Then there are more important things, like my wonderful girlfriend :) :), people I'm praying for, friends I'm thinking about, possible issues with my job and schooling.

I'm tired right now... not from working but from thinking, processing, running events over and over again, thinking over conversations, replaying an interaction. I store some things in important areas, things I feel are important or moments that I cherish, the rest I store under general and slowly categorize it over time. Sometimes I'll go digging through the general area and will find something that either was missed or something that wasn't important at the time. I've begun to realize that I do most of this without thinking, it's like my mind is constantly on autopilot while processing. Which explains while I'll feel exhausted sometimes when I haven't actually done anything. It's why I come home and crash on Sundays because I've spent the entire day with my friends and I've got a massive amount of information downloaded that I'll need to sort through.

I feel like a machine constantly sorting and filing data, but at least I'm one with a heart.

Working for who's glory?

Passion that leads to anger is not of the Lord, but a desire to do the best for Him will produce good.

That's not a quote, I wrote that after watching a friend of mine. He has a great passion for what he does and wants to do his best, he works very hard to do it right and carries more than his share of weight. The flip side is that in order for him to do what he does requires trusting in others to be on time and carry their own weight, which they don't at times, because they are human and lose their focus. When this happens it makes him angry and he takes offense because he feels like he is blamed if things come out wrong even if it's not his fault.
I understand this very well, because I'm that way as well, I want to do what I do correctly and to the best of my ability and I too get angry when other people come up short and make me look like I don't know how to do my job. But I've realized, there is so much going on in other peoples lives that I know nothing about and I have no idea what might be distracting them. So, I've decided to work to the best of my ability and to swallow my pride and try to encourage those around me so we can all do better. To bring glory to God, to shine where things might be dark.
I don't want the light of God's love to be dimmed because I let my pride and the lies of the enemy put me in a foul mood! God is the reason I'm working, God is the only reason I take my next breath, God deserves praise no matter what is going on, and things are only as dark and dreary as I allow them to be. God wants to shine through his people, he wants to use his people, to work along side them and empower them to do far more than they could ever possibly do on their own.
I don't want to be the one that hinders the light, I want their to be a unity among the people of God that transcends reason, that people will see that we love what we do and we do it not for ourselves but for God's glory.
Who will join me? I know I'm not alone. I'm tired of being trampled by the enemy, Satan has no power over me, why should I let him and my sinful nature dictate how I act? I serve the power that created the universe with mere words, that weaved reality as we know it from nothing, if I truly believe that then I can run to God, my first true father, who planned my existence before anything existed. He will lift me up and His love will shine through me.
If my friend reads this, just focus on God, do it for Him, pray that the others will do the same, encourage them to follow Him, and everything will fall into place.

Dance of Love

A holy dance, a circle of love. One caring for the other, and the other returning the care. A steady and consistent beat; a flow that can be followed, that can be seen and admired. One gives and supports the hurting one, then once the hurting one is healed confirms and encourages the one that supported him. When battle is joined, the two fight as one, protecting and strengthening each other, the tempo increases, the dance becomes deadly, what spirit of evil can stand against it, what demon of hate, greed, lust , or any other tempter can destroy this dance? None can, for they have not the power nor the strength. The circle of love remains unbroken, the dance merely shifts and changes.
When the calm returns, the dance continues.
Both partners will, at times, step away and dance with another to love and support, even fight, for another, but they always return to each other. Sometimes both will draw a third into the dance, and both will encourage and support the third with love and care.
When times are calm, the two continue the dance, a circle of love never broken. For those that have eyes to see, they will notice a third partner in the dance, one who is in all the situations mentioned above, and far more. This one is the one that started the first dance, the dance that has been there forever and will forever continue. The three dance in harmony, never tripping each other, always supporting and moving in time with the others. If one happens to stumble, the other two lift him up, if both stumble then the first dancer of all carries them both until they can dance on their own again.
This circle is the circle of love, it is patient and kind, never ending and the greatest of all dances.

Love

I've been thinking about this word a lot lately.
And I've seen love on a lot of different levels, cause... to me there's only one love; it's qualities are always the same, patience, kindness, holding no record of wrongs, and so on. (1 Corinthians 13, look it up)
But it can be expressed in many different forms and ways. I love my family, and my friends, my girlfriend, my siblings, my "brothers", my "sisters", but I treat them all differently. I have the same love for them, but I can't treat my brother the same way I treat my sister, I can't treat one of my "sisters" the way I treat my girlfriend, I don't treat a friend the way I treat a "brother". My love for them is all from the same source, therefore it is the same love. but just expressed differently. Do you keep a record of wrongs for you brother, but fully forgive your wife? do you treat you son with kindness, but speak harshly to your sister? which do you love more? and how can you say you love one but not the other, to say you don't love the other goes against the fact that you love another.
Our world has perverted the word Love, it is Holy, Pure, Gentle, Kind, Selfless, Caring. Are you truly loving those around you? can you look at everyone on the same level and love them? I'm not saying treat the begger like your sister,or am I?, but you can love them with the same passion and God will show you how to act.
I want to do this! I want to be this, this is my goal, to look at two side by side and love them with an equal passion that only comes from God.
I will mess up, I will fail, I'm only human, but I intend to stand up again. To keep fighting my self, my own sin, my own desires, and seek God's Holy and Perfect will.
Seek God. Remain focused solely on Him.

What to do...

So, I'm actually going to try and stay on topic this post, doubt I can handle it but I shall try.
So, I've realized that the, the wonderful simple world I grew up in is so much more freaking complicated than I thought. Sigh...

I might have to be looking for a job soon, and just so you all know I've never looked for a job, mine got handed to me on a silver platter and I've never had to actually look for one so... the idea of working somewhere else scares me to death. The thought of stepping out of my nice sheltered job into the world scares me.

But... is the world all that scary? gulp... yeah, it is. For me.
I've had to grow up really fast in a short period of time, and... I'm still testing my new legs here and I'm thrown a need to grow more, not a desire a freaking need. I'm unstable, thrown off balance. I'm reaching, grasping for the stable things in my life, only to find that they too have shifted!
But, as my world begins to crumble, as I fall reaching, hoping to grab anything, a realization strikes me. I'm not actually falling, I just think I'm falling.

For some of you reading this your brains probably just did a double take, wait, he's falling, but he's not? wha????? O.o

Well, My foundation is on a Solid Rock, I'm an adopted child of God, he won't let me fall. I can't fall, if he's holding me, if I'm running to him, if I'm asking for his guidance. Now, I've had to learn quickly not to run to people, I'm in such a habit of doing it that it took coming into a relationship with my current girlfriend to realize it. I don't want to go and dump all my issues on her, to vent and complain. I love and care about her, I should share what's going on, not just dump it on her and sit there fuming while she is quick to encourage me and remind me of God. I realized I was starting to do this, and while she can take it, while she can handle my venting, she shouldn't have too. This issue is between me and God; she's amazing, she's there for me, a strength in my life, but she's a human, not God. God wants me to run to him, I can ask for someone to pray for me, explain in detail what's going on, but I shouldn't vent at them.
Often, I'm afraid to vent at God, afraid to go to him with my issues cause I'm worried he'll take offense to my petty issues, which are small, but for some reason bug the crap out of me.

well, I've strayed off topic, oh well, I'll just come back to it.

I'm trying to decide what to do, do I take a possible chance to work at a camp this summer? do I start looking for another job? do I settle down and wait and see if my current one works out? What to do...

I'm going to read my bible and pray. Now, wait a second, why would I do that? shouldn't I go talk to some type of adviser or read some type of book on finding a job? Maybe a book on hearing God's will?
For me, that would be pointless. I have direct contact to the one that invented the idea of idea's, that put the thought of work into the very being of man, the one that stands outside of time and has already seen where I'll be in the future. So... why not ask him? Do I really need a self help book? no. I could read it, say "that was a nice read, great ideas" but I'd still be where I was, and I would have less time to figure it out. So, I'm going to Him, my personal choice, I'm not going to say it's right, it's just what I feel I need to do, so I'm going to do it.