My church is preparing to launch on the 19th of August, and about a week ago we were called as a body to fast and pray until the launch. The time has been exhilarating and incredibly encouraging.
See, I struggle with belonging, especially understanding that I truly do belong. The people in this church, and the changes God has made in my heart over the last year have only made it easier and more enjoyable.
But even in all this light, I struggled with that shadow of belonging. I remember hearing others talking about similar struggles and having a moment that really hit it home that they were home. I was excited for them, and saddened for myself. I knew I was accepted, I knew I was enjoyed, but belonging was a distant thing.
Now, no one messed up, no one made me feel rejected, ignored, or forgotten. Belonging is not for man to grant, but a gift from God alone. We don't belong in Christ until we reach the bottom of our sin and realize the depravity of our existence and our desperate need for salvation, crying out to Him we beg to be released and rescued from this living death.
It's the same in social settings, church attendance, and the mission fields. Among friends and family you can know you belong, but experiencing it requires the effort of sacrifice and love and God blesses it with a bonding of community that cannot be broken. Church attendance is good, consistent is better, but it is worthless on its' own. You will not experience the freedom of the worship, the excitement of praise, the deep exhilarating rush that is the terrifying beautiful presence of God.
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I have to switch gears and talk about this for a moment, the presence of God. I had an experience recently that was mind blowing. I was praying, a short simple prayer, when I felt torn to the ground. Falling on my face I was overcome by the reality of my pitiful existence, and I understood the terror that is Jehovah, and my existence as a sinful being was a unpardonable offense against Him. I cried out, "I am undone." It was as I would imagine getting pounced and mauled by a tiger would be like, the terror of the destruction but marveling at the beauty of the creature in its pure existence.
In the understanding of pure justice, I also saw the beauty of the mercy that was the death and resurrection of Christ. Fully Just, and Fully Love, Jehovah took pity on His creation and instead of destruction for all he offered a choice. Destruction by self, or Death of self. To allow our own sinful selves to destroy us, or to surrender our selves to His grace. Truly as it is said in Joel 2:13 "Come back to the Lord your God, because he is kind and shows mercy. He doesn't become angry quickly, and he has great love."
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Back to my previous focus,
You will not experience those things without the surrendering daily to Christ, and allowing Him to work in you and through you. As for missions, if you work hard and speak well and serve faithfully, you will see some fruit of your labor. But, if you work as one who loves, and speak as one with compassion, and serve as one who knows what it means to be last, your harvest will overflow as Christ works through your faith in Him and returns to you what was sacrificed by giving you joy and contentment as His fields are picked for God's glory. This cannot happen unless God grants you that belonging to the land, and the people that you are reaching out towards.
I have my belonging now, I can feel it grow as my family sacrifices things loved, enjoyed, and desired. As their knees hit the ground and their souls scream out to heaven crying "Father! Be our hands, so as we work it will not be in vain. Walk before us, so our coming will be of joy to those who seek you. Wrap your shield around us, so that the enemy will be reminded of his defeat. Send your terror out before us, that those who oppose us will tremble at your Name. Purify us, so we will be without fault. Soften us, so we will show compassion. Guide our tongues, so we can speak truthfully and with wisdom. Mark us with your Seal, so we may speak and serve with the Authority of Christ. Fill our hearts with peace, so that we can live in peace. And so that our words will have meaning, our actions lasting, and our prayers power, teach us love that surpasses understanding and is without condition or desire of reward. Our Reward is you, Father. Bless you, and thank you. Amen."
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