Musings of an infrequent insomniac

I feel like there's a line...

A line where once you've been awake past it, you really just ought to stay up all night. Especially when you have to be up really early. Foolish of me, knowing I have to be up early but staying up ridiculously late anyway. Maybe I just enjoy torturing myself, or I can't break the habit I gained as a teenager working nights, whatever the reason it is still foolishness.

That line is foolishness as well...

There's no reason that there should ever be a point at which you should just stay up. In fact, there are very few times there should be a point of no return. Continued sin after salvation is one of those, there's no line that says "well, you've come this far, you might as well keep going." Actually, the opposite is true. Romans 6 is very clear on this, and yet... I am guilty.

For clarity sake...

People screw up, we're human and we make mistakes. Romans 6 is not talking about making a mistake, or being caught off guard by emotions. It's about choices, when you know what you're doing in sinful and wrong and decide to choose it anyway. The grace of God is infinite, nothing can increase it and nothing can decrease it, it simply IS.

But on that topic of guilt...

I am guilty of choosing to sin, in full knowledge and control of my actions. Grace covers even me in these transgressions, but grace can not protect me from the consequences in this temporary venture on earth. I am also guilty of asking forgiveness, not for the sake of purity... but out of fear of the possible that might occur because of my wrong choices.

"Be sure your sin will find you out..."

Curse or promise? it is both. They offered to swear an oath to Moses and to God, and Moses made certain they understood the gravity of what they chose. This is why Jesus said "For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?" Luke 4:28 (ESV) The surrender to Christ comes at great cost, when you choose to give your life over to Him you lose the rights to it. It's not yours anymore to whore away on any fancy you find yourself chasing. Going against the terms, does not cancel the contract, but it does have those consequences.

Peaching to myself...

I am not perfect. These words have only just begun to sink beneath my skin, to dig into my soul, and they are painful. I have so far to go, and have wandered in many deserts of my own making. Thankfully where I am going there is peace and healing. There is light. There is Christ. 

Time

I'm back...

I feel that my long absence requires an explanation. You know that whole waking up thing I mentioned in Dreamworld? And Breaking Silence? Yeah, it took a lot longer then I had planned.

Writers, when we write things like this type of blog, have to bare our souls. We could lie, say whatever we want, but with a title like A Journey for More than Existence you can't go around talking about puppies and rainbows, unless... you know, your life revolves around puppies and rainbows. 
Mine doesn't. 

My life has revolved around me, around existing, a most selfish endeavor. I'm not being hunted, dying, or fleeing somewhere. To simply exist is insulting to those that came before me, and those that will come after me since I am not in one of those predicaments.

Death came to my family again. My grandfather, dad's dad, had a heart attack. That was a while ago, and I was ready for it. He had been battling alzheimer's, and around 7 months ago he answered the door and did not know who I was. I began to grieve that day, and the day The Lord took him home I was filled with relief. He was not hurting, he wasn't lost, he knows exactly where he is and is whole once more. Sad, yes, I will miss him, but the world didn't end.

The world ended when I fled to the dark, when I sought relief in the darkness of my soul. I allowed sin to build a wall between my creator and myself, why? Because I honestly wanted to believe I could go my own way, that after having tasted the tree of life and having been filled with it's light... that I could do as I pleased. Was I wrong? Oh no, I could go my own way all I pleased... but I had to do so sitting alone, lying, filling my soul with false pleasure, just trying to regain the barest hint of what I had sensed once before.

This is not the first time I have tasted the sweet taste of true life, and it was not the first time I fled to the dark, clutching to the fruit I had gained, and trying to make it last long after it had turned to ash, even to my own mouth. To those outside of my heart, my actions and words would have tasted as honey, but to me they were a vile poison, reminding me of all I had run away from. A ticking clock reminding me that time was against me, and only one was the source of life.

I have returned to the light, fleeing the darkness and fire. The pit still calls, the pleasure of the dark sucking on my soul, but I run arms outstretched calling for aid. I smiled at Him who pulled me from the dark, but He did not smile in return, love was in His eyes, but hurt also. I was one prone to flee, and His arms were always open to me, but time was needed. Time to heal, time to learn, time to regain what had been lost between us.

As the prodigal son, I was welcomed with love and song, but the relationship would need to be rebuilt. I am not angry, gratefulness fills my soul. A fool I have been, pretending to return, only planning to run again because the world became more then I could handle. A selfish son, trying to steal the fruit of my brothers when I only intended to flee again, because the cost of my own meal was too great a price. It does not seem so great a price now, to surrender my hurt and pain, to give away my helplessness and gain strength. 

Still... time is required. God uses time to teach the greatest lessons.

"And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:4 (ESV)

That is a promise, if you stand firm, if you hang in there...

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6 (ESV)


There was a message by James Lynch was a major push that drew me out of the dark among other things and many incredible friends and family. I want to share it with you, the few that read this, because it's good and raw. Don't listen if you want cuddles and happy butterflies, listen if you're seeking the truth and desire life. God Bless.

Glory to the Father

So, I'm sitting here minding my own business, setting up slides for Sunday when,

 A WIILD VERSE ATTACKS!

Matthew 5:14-16 NIV
¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.

Now, I grew up on this verse, I know the songs that go with it, it is nearly as much apart of me as my own DNA. But this time, a part jumped out at me.

"and glorify your Father in heaven."

Wait, what?

"and glorify your Father in heaven."

Well, no one has been glorifying God because of my good deeds, I certainly would have heard about it...

Yeah, that's the point. It's not about me, it's about God, the Father. So, I start thinking, well either A: I'm not doing good deeds (Heart Check) or B: People aren't seeing my good deeds.

Hmm, another possible factor and it involves the person I most often focus on... Me.

Have I been praising the Father when I see good deeds? 

Gulp.

If good deeds are supposed to inspire others to give glory to God, then why haven't I been doing that? I threw it in a minute ago, if you caught it.

Heart Check. Where is my heart, where has it been, what has it desired, who has it worshiped? If I can't answer those questions, then I have been ignoring my heart, and the heart wanders when not watched over.

I get so caught up in me, my wants and desires, and sometimes I look at good deeds and I only think that the person doing them is doing it for themselves, trying to boost their ego or status. I can't judge them, not when I was forgiven of so much.

I want to become a person who glorifies God for the good deeds, not one who wonders if everyone saw me do mine.

Dreamworld

“Look, it can be nice, living in a dream world, it can be great, I know that. You can hide and you can pretend that all the crap out there doesn’t exist, but you can’t do it forever because eventually whatever it is you’re running from... it’ll find you, it will come along and it’ll punch you in the gut. And then you got to wake up because if you don’t, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you. It’ll destroy everything.” -Sam Winchester

There comes a time when you can’t run any more. People have different ways of running. Some drink themselves into oblivion, others escape into drugs, physical relationships, internet and mental fantasies, the possibilities are endless. me? I go auto-pilot, and simply function. Go through the motions and hide things away. On the outside, I look ok. I’m clean, alive, well fed, but there’s things that I joke about that show the deeper struggles. A messy room, not sleeping, endless gaming, not reading, being tired, anger snaps. These things show what is going on underneath. A man should not be content in his own filth, an adult doesn’t shrink from responsibilities. My childish nature kicks in and I use it as an excuse to get away with not dealing.

Why all this depression and angst? My uncle committed suicide nearly a year ago, I attended his funeral the same day I stood beside my best friend as his best man, I was in the same suit, only a few hours separated the two events. One so happy, one so crushing. The same night I found out about his death, I had to end the relationship I thought would never end so I could have my friend back to help me through the process. I had to shut down everything so that I could wake up, go to work, feed and clothe myself, attend a wedding, and a funeral. When I was ready to process, to cry, and deal, I was numb. All the hurt and pain and anger and grief had grown cold, slimy, and gross. It was like food that doesn’t reheat well, only that can be thrown away. These emotions could not.

Over time they thawed, a flash there, a blowup here. But in general I just stewed, moped, groaned, and complained. Wishing someone would comfort me, but truly enjoying the suffering. A wall formed, and I kept people out, got distracted, or angry when they wanted to know how I really felt. I wasn’t done with my feelings and I wasn’t going to be until I was ready. I was selfish. I was prideful. I was shameful.

Now? Tomorrow I leave the only job I have ever known, I leave a place that has been a second home. It’s full of joy and pain, love and suffering, happiness and anger. Over nine years of my life, a majority of which happened there, is coming to a close. It’s very bittersweet. I feel like a man who has seen the rise and fall of nations, I’ve seen friends and foes come and go, leaders rise and fall, students continue after their masters. Success and failure. Life and death. Stories of thousands have passed through the doors. But, that chapter is closing, the door will be shutting soon. I’ve tried to walk out with integrity and grace, but that has been difficult while carrying this crapload of guilt, stress and shame.

I’ve decided to wake up, it won’t be easy, but there’s a life to be lived and dreams are for the sleeping, not the waking.    

Breaking Silence

I have remained silent for a long time, I have hidden and stewed in the filth of my own making. I was broken, twisted, and maimed. In my soul, there was no one I could explain it to, there was no one who could understand. I could not even form the words to express the agony in my soul, the tearing and roaring of rebellion and pain within. I poured out my heart time and time again, I laid myself bare to find all that I was seeking, I cried out in silence for the understanding and love and acceptance that my very being was screaming to find. My mind is not a calm and silent place, but when it becomes so, I grow terrified. When the silence comes... with it is death, death of awareness, death of compassion, death of caring, death of love. I faced the silence, and I found solace within it. I found warmth for the coldness within my heart, I thought I had found my place, in silence, in the dark. I would become a watcher, one who observes and considers, but does not act.
Time passed, and the ache within my soul grew. There were sores from my inactivity, infection had set in, but I thought the fever was warmth. I continued to allow the darkness to cradle me. Voices pulled at me, the light blinded me, I was angry and ashamed, so I hid with a smile on my face as I walked veiled among the light. Ever longing to return to the warmth of my island of self.

Then... a simple day, a regular day. I was done. I did not hear angels, or thunder, or see lightning. I just looked around and said. "I surrender."
There was nothing... there was silence...

But deep.... deep down in the core of my heart, I saw the flame, long buried, but never dead. I brought it close, and held it dear. A journey I began long ago I renewed once again, but this time I meant every word. This time I surrender not to an idea, not for glory, not for fame... but for He who... what words can describe him... Love, real brutal honest true love. Not the fluff of poison we bark like dogs in heat after, not the false acid that seductively promises what it can never give.
This is life. I am in pain, but alive. Broken, but alive. Dying, but alive. Trapped in decay, but renewing in life.
Hard? Yes! Difficult? Yes! Frustrating? Yes!
Death of self that life might abound is against the very code of our DNA, but that can be changed, one step at a time.
This is my journey.... It is far from over.

Home Sweet Home

We all know that feeling, the one where you come home. Be it from work, a trip, or just to get the mail. When you walk into home, there's a sense of peace, and security, and just safe acceptance of YOU.

Recently, I have been struggling through feeling at home. I left my home church and moved out of my parents house, this put me in a new building, a new church, (Literally a new one, it's a church plant.) But, I lost my home. I lost my place of security, yes, I still had a bed, a roof, a shower, and all my things. But, its not the same. I don't have my parents, my brother and sister, I miss my old church family, and the friends I've left behind.

This sapped me of joy, and excitement, and gave me a feeling of abandonment. I was alone in a crowd.

Then, a few weeks ago, I was driving home from hanging out at a friend's house and got a sense of... home. It was like these lightbulbs lit up in my head, and they were not places. They were people, groups of people, new families. New families where I was safe, where I could be myself, where I am accepted.

I still get to see my family, but I know I'm not so far away from the rest of my family.

Playing House

I was driving home from shopping today and I had a thought...

A majority of Christians have been playing "house" for a long time. Now, what do I mean by that? I mean, let's all sit comfortably in our comfortable chairs, dress up in costume, say the lines, play the parts, and then we'll go home and get back to "Real Life". This is the culture I grew up in, while many people around me broke that mold there were enough to infect my way of thinking and living. Infected... that's the right word. Poisoned is better.
In other countries we're shot, beheaded, imprisoned, tortured, hunted, mocked, and slandered for simply existing, quietly hiding in rooms and cellars. In America, we're embarrassing... loud, obnoxious, protesting, divided, and false. I understand standing up for our beliefs, but what happened to "¹¹ and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, ¹² so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one."1 Thessalonians 4:11-12 and "⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and then there is "...love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!" Galatians 5:22b-23
Now, I will never say ALL Christians have run away from these things... but these are the ones on the lips of the public, when Christianity is spoken of in households, and on the street corners. 

This is changing though, there is a mummer in the air, and a rumbling in the ground. The Church is getting a jump start, and passionate people are rising up. You won't read it in the news, but you'll hear it on the streets, and in the prayers, and songs. If you listen, if you've been given ears to hear, and eyes that can see. The Spirit has risen up in America, and His power is being poured out.
I have not been the perfect image of Christ, but I want to become as close as I can. I know I'm not alone in this desire, my home church family is full of people striving, and I am hearing the stories as they trickle in from other places around the globe. I'm excited to see what will happen in the next few months, let alone years, God willing I'm here!

Just wanted to share my thoughts :)

Avoiding Sleep

I avoid sleeping... when I'm not already suffering from insomnia. Partially because.... it is a part of who I am, but also because I want to avoid the dreams.
Not nightmares, I haven't had one of those in years, and it involved snakes.
But dreams... because they're interesting, and strange, and stories are happening.
Mainly... I lose track of reality in them. I wake up and I feel like Neo getting ripped out of the Matrix, disoriented and sick.
But there is a Catch 22...


If I avoid sleep I start losing track of reality anyway, I lose my sense of self and a depression sets in. I become a angry, hurting, sad, lonely shell of who I am.

I think... that this is part of why Christians struggle...
Not with sleep... but with staying close to God, to daily seek him. It's incredible, fantastic, and dreadful, and terrible. Grace and mercy, and love surround you... but all the shields are gone. You're stripped bare of all your protection and the ugly truth is exposed. You get a choice, deal with that crap now, or run and hide.

I run and hide a lot.

He finds me... asks where I am. And I choose to either stay silent, or say "I was ashamed."

I stay silent often.

Why?

Because I have an enemy, and he knows every weakness.
He lies, and cheats...
They're pretty lies, seductive and pleasing... for a moment.
The guilt...the shame... it grinds against my mind.

My sword is broken... my shield is shattered... armor is bloodied and dented.

This is where I am. Come to my rescue. Will I stay in this darkness? Can I get out soon? I'm weary. I have no strength left. You reveal your strength in our weakness... where is that strength? Will it come soon? Will it hide much longer? Am I blind? Why is my heart so hard? Why am I numb? Can I feel again? Will the world cease to end around me?

I once knew the light, but was it a lie?
Can I see the light again?
Can I see the true Light?
The One Way?
Jesus.