I feel like there's a line...
A line where once you've been awake past it, you really just ought to stay up all night. Especially when you have to be up really early. Foolish of me, knowing I have to be up early but staying up ridiculously late anyway. Maybe I just enjoy torturing myself, or I can't break the habit I gained as a teenager working nights, whatever the reason it is still foolishness.
That line is foolishness as well...
There's no reason that there should ever be a point at which you should just stay up. In fact, there are very few times there should be a point of no return. Continued sin after salvation is one of those, there's no line that says "well, you've come this far, you might as well keep going." Actually, the opposite is true. Romans 6 is very clear on this, and yet... I am guilty.
For clarity sake...
People screw up, we're human and we make mistakes. Romans 6 is not talking about making a mistake, or being caught off guard by emotions. It's about choices, when you know what you're doing in sinful and wrong and decide to choose it anyway. The grace of God is infinite, nothing can increase it and nothing can decrease it, it simply IS.
But on that topic of guilt...
I am guilty of choosing to sin, in full knowledge and control of my actions. Grace covers even me in these transgressions, but grace can not protect me from the consequences in this temporary venture on earth. I am also guilty of asking forgiveness, not for the sake of purity... but out of fear of the possible that might occur because of my wrong choices.
"Be sure your sin will find you out..."
Curse or promise? it is both. They offered to swear an oath to Moses and to God, and Moses made certain they understood the gravity of what they chose. This is why Jesus said "For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?" Luke 4:28 (ESV) The surrender to Christ comes at great cost, when you choose to give your life over to Him you lose the rights to it. It's not yours anymore to whore away on any fancy you find yourself chasing. Going against the terms, does not cancel the contract, but it does have those consequences.
Peaching to myself...
I am not perfect. These words have only just begun to sink beneath my skin, to dig into my soul, and they are painful. I have so far to go, and have wandered in many deserts of my own making. Thankfully where I am going there is peace and healing. There is light. There is Christ.
I'm back...
I feel that my long absence requires an explanation. You know that whole waking up thing I mentioned in Dreamworld? And Breaking Silence? Yeah, it took a lot longer then I had planned.
Writers, when we write things like this type of blog, have to bare our souls. We could lie, say whatever we want, but with a title like A Journey for More than Existence you can't go around talking about puppies and rainbows, unless... you know, your life revolves around puppies and rainbows.
Mine doesn't.
My life has revolved around me, around existing, a most selfish endeavor. I'm not being hunted, dying, or fleeing somewhere. To simply exist is insulting to those that came before me, and those that will come after me since I am not in one of those predicaments.
Death came to my family again. My grandfather, dad's dad, had a heart attack. That was a while ago, and I was ready for it. He had been battling alzheimer's, and around 7 months ago he answered the door and did not know who I was. I began to grieve that day, and the day The Lord took him home I was filled with relief. He was not hurting, he wasn't lost, he knows exactly where he is and is whole once more. Sad, yes, I will miss him, but the world didn't end.
The world ended when I fled to the dark, when I sought relief in the darkness of my soul. I allowed sin to build a wall between my creator and myself, why? Because I honestly wanted to believe I could go my own way, that after having tasted the tree of life and having been filled with it's light... that I could do as I pleased. Was I wrong? Oh no, I could go my own way all I pleased... but I had to do so sitting alone, lying, filling my soul with false pleasure, just trying to regain the barest hint of what I had sensed once before.
This is not the first time I have tasted the sweet taste of true life, and it was not the first time I fled to the dark, clutching to the fruit I had gained, and trying to make it last long after it had turned to ash, even to my own mouth. To those outside of my heart, my actions and words would have tasted as honey, but to me they were a vile poison, reminding me of all I had run away from. A ticking clock reminding me that time was against me, and only one was the source of life.
I have returned to the light, fleeing the darkness and fire. The pit still calls, the pleasure of the dark sucking on my soul, but I run arms outstretched calling for aid. I smiled at Him who pulled me from the dark, but He did not smile in return, love was in His eyes, but hurt also. I was one prone to flee, and His arms were always open to me, but time was needed. Time to heal, time to learn, time to regain what had been lost between us.
As the prodigal son, I was welcomed with love and song, but the relationship would need to be rebuilt. I am not angry, gratefulness fills my soul. A fool I have been, pretending to return, only planning to run again because the world became more then I could handle. A selfish son, trying to steal the fruit of my brothers when I only intended to flee again, because the cost of my own meal was too great a price. It does not seem so great a price now, to surrender my hurt and pain, to give away my helplessness and gain strength.
Still... time is required. God uses time to teach the greatest lessons.
"And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:4 (ESV)
That is a promise, if you stand firm, if you hang in there...
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6 (ESV)
There was a message by James Lynch was a major push that drew me out of the dark among other things and many incredible friends and family. I want to share it with you, the few that read this, because it's good and raw. Don't listen if you want cuddles and happy butterflies, listen if you're seeking the truth and desire life. God Bless.
I feel like there's a line...
