The Yo-Yo or the Hand?

Sometimes you just have to write. Tonight is one of those times.

Today was one of those "I've been really productive but I don't have anything to show for it." days. This plus other human struggles of spiritual failure had me in a funk. A funk that would not release, and technically hasn't lifted yet. God has this way of pointing things out to you though, especially in these low moments.

I picked up a dusty journal and flipped to the bookmark. Date 1/15/13, so... a while ago.

In that entry I discuss my struggles with controlling my tongue, the need to love from my spirit and not out of obligation. I also wrote down a prayer,
"Dear God, I have a heart of obligation, not love. Please change that inside me and the root of what has caused it."

I don't pray that way anymore... I don't even think that way anymore...

I'm in survival mode. Bills and Food. Work and Church. Which is why today... getting ahead on laundry and doing dishes just because felt weird, and started this profound chain reaction of frustration and self loathing that kept building until I opened that journal. Now in that entry I also mention having to buy a Yo-yo, the one in the picture. I had to buy this toy because God put a picture of it in my mind, but I didn't understand why. A good friend told me to buy a yo-yo, and wait for God to tell me. I mulled over it, forgot about it, found it again, mulled again. I had many theories but nothing was solid.

After reading that entry I looked up... at the yo-yo. Sitting right in front of my face, and I had my answer.

I am an 11 o'clock hour guy, I thrive in the stress of only having moments to get things done and am decent at making them acceptable. I am so much this way that it is infused into chores, bills, hygiene, friendships, my life.

What does that have to do with a yo-yo? A yo-yo can not return to the hand without momentum, it has to be spinning, otherwise it becomes immobile. The person must then roll it back up by hand and start again. I had lost momentum, become still. I was the yo-yo, God the hand. I would jump around on that string at the 11 o'clock hour, but would become limp again. So long as it has momentum a yo-yo can be easily drawn back to the hand, the longer it's still, the more tangled the string becomes, the harder it is to get it going again.

I wasn't allowing God to untangle me, wrap me back up, and get me rolling again. I just wanted to be still. God wants to show off his skills, to show the world what He can do with me, to dazzle and bring joy in the wonder of all He is, and I keep tangling the string.

I like being real, I like being open. So, if you're struggling with momentum, let God untangle you, roll you back up, and give you push. You'll keep returning to Him when you've reached the limits of your abilities, just like a yo-yo returns to the hand at the limit of it's string. I'm going through it also, so you're not alone.

Silent Step

Some things are celebrated loudly, and others are silent.

The child's first steps are to freedom from crawling, and celebrated loudly with encouragement and support from the beginning.

An addicts first steps to freedom are often silent and alone, with no encouragement or support in the beginning. Shammed by their own actions, the opinion of the public, and the rejection of friends and family, they plod silently. Some fall back, and their silent or public struggle is unknown because nothing seems to change. The ones that truly want freedom do not always achieve it, the pressure is to great, they can't do it alone, they're ashamed to admit especially if they've slipped.

If you have friends or loved ones who struggle with any sort of addiction and want to be free, shield them with encouragement, cover them with prayer, hunt them down when they go silent. Silence is shame, silence is hiding, silence does not mean everything is good or going well, and sometimes they are not strong enough to stand. Years of shame don't go away in a day, and they do not want to disappoint the ones they love with their failures, silence is dangerous... because they've either given up, or decided to fight on their own.

Just toughing up, or just pushing through doesn't work for all. It's long and painful, and they will fail. And if they feel deep shame, if they do not have people they trust to understand, even if they do trust and have those that understand, they will hide ever deeper away. And the silence will continue, and smiles will remain fake, laughter hollow, and joy gone. Do not take their hiding personally, they love you and trust you, but they're scared and hurting and need love.

I'm thinking of those today taking silent steps, press on, and pray for the hearts around you, try not to remain silent, but pray for others eyes to see if you must.

You're never alone, no matter how dark it gets.

Others struggle, and God is there... even when that seems impossible.

So, press on brothers and sisters, don't lose heart.