Old Shoes, New Shoes

As the title says, this post is about shoes, sort of. I bought some new shoes the other day; non-expensive, regular ol' tennis shoes. They were much needed, seeing as my old shoes had no support, the bottoms were literally peeling off, and holes were beginning to show. They were also hurting my feet, and causing blisters on my heels from the plastic poking through after having worn through the fabric. Time and constant use had worn out my shoes. Recently, but before I got my shoes, my soul was feeling the same way.

The terms 'run down' and 'burned out' come to mind; that was how I felt. Life had run me over, and my own hurts and fears had burned me from the inside. My life is easy in comparison to others I know...and I know this. I'm not ignorant of the fact that I have been blessed with a rather laid back life. Maybe my life isn't glamorous; thank God it's not. I would hate the glamorous lifestyle. I already despise it. I'd rather have excellent friends than thousands of dollars. I'd rather enjoy time with loved ones than live comfortably.

And that was something I think the Hebrews missed, and I say Hebrews instead of Israelites because they weren't the nation of Israel yet. They said, "If only we had died by the LORD’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death" (Exodus 16:3b); and, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" (Exodus 14:11b-12). These types of statements show up throughout the rest of the book of Exodus. Over and over again, the people, their souls burdened and scorched from their many years in Egypt, turned on Moses and blamed him and The Lord for their struggles.

They didn't see that God wasn't fighting for their bodies, but for their souls. A soul dies in the lap of luxury; it rots amidst plenty. A muscle strengthens best under struggle and tension, and requires rest to regain its full strength. God took them out of "plenty" and brought them into the desert. God proved Himself faithful; He provided all their needs. He provided food and water daily; it wasn't glamorous. Pots weren't overflowing with meat, vegetables and fruits weren't abundant, but they were fed and their clothing and feet were sustained. "Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years" (Deuteronomy 8:4).

God cursed them for their disobedience - their failure to rise up and take their land for themselves (Numbers 13:26-14:44). Many died of plague and, when their enemies attacked them, and they wandered in the desert for forty years, God provided for them... He remained faithful. I pondered this as I was trying on my new shoes, wondering what it would be like if they never wore out. Would I really notice? It feels like yesterday that my old shoes were new; I didn't notice they were getting worn out until they were. I think our hearts and souls are the same way: we forget about their conditions, we rush and go, and we run out of steam and look down at our hearts and say, "When did I become weary, when did I start to burn out?" We didn't remain aware of our condition; we forgot to return to God daily to be renewed.

I struggle with this, but God remains faithful in all my struggles.
As always, onward I go.

New Look

I have decided I needed a new look. So I've added a few things, fixed some text, changed the template. So... thoughts, opinions, are welcome.

Rough Circumstances

I was thinking about rough times, hard circumstances, and difficult trials the other day. Their effect on the heart, how they twist it around, bruise and damage it. The way they drag down our spirits and make us feel like we have nothing of value to give. They make us think differently, we become distracted and distant sometimes. People's reactions to stress and pain are as varied as people themselves.
I am an inward thinker, but an outward processor. When I'm struggling with something, it rolls around in my mind, the way a cow chews its cud. I dwell and worry, play events over and over again in my mind. I get stuck going in circles, it can be maddening. Then I talk to someone, anyone really, who's willing to listen, and things start to fall into place as I discuss it and allow the pieces to pour out. The pictures form and I'm able to understand my own thinking, which can be a very complicated an convoluted thing. When you're trying to include as many possibilities and variables as possible, and still respect opinions, think about people's feelings, understand their circumstances, and decide your own opinions, you quickly become frustrated and irritable.
I think far too much on things of little importance, but back to the topic at hand. I was thinking of hard times, and how I've often blown my situations far out of proportion. My life does not have very many extremely difficult struggles, but I am struggling still with some of the hardest and worst things I have ever faced in my lifetime. And though they seem small, they've rippled out through my life and corrupted my views on love, introduced shame to my friendships, and instilled a sense of fear when it comes to other people. I could blame it all on what was done to me, and how I was hurt, but I know that most of my issues come from my own insecurities. These insecurities are fading some days, and they rear their ugly heads on others. It is a constant battle for my heart and mind. Constantly reminding myself of who I can trust, who has proven themselves, and remembering I seek the praise of God and not the approval of man.
Focusing my topic now, thinking about hard circumstances reminds me of a season of baseball that I played as a teenager. The coach called us out on a nasty, wet day, sent us to the field and had us practice sliding into base repeatedly. We were covered in mud; some of the guys even ended up with it in their mouths and down their pants. We were miserable, but, let me tell you, a few games later, I was thankful. I ended up in a situation where I didn't have the luxury of time to think, and I was able to slide as I had been taught and without fear. Sometimes, I wonder if God does the same to us. Allows us to experience, be it by our own sin or the struggles of another, hardships, so that when we are faced with another, similar situation, we can say, "I go forward confident, because God carried me through worse." But we still struggle, we still choke on those important moments, but not if we have prepared. We won't, not if we are seeking out, and looking for opportunity and purpose.

Forward I go.

Struggles of the Mind

Some people get songs stuck in their heads, I get ideas. I believe God has given me images in my mind, things to make me seek and struggle. He does that, when we ask Him to give us reason to seek Him. When I asked that, I was expecting, as horrible as it sounds, a death, but no one died. Nothing traumatic happened, life continued on. A desire to read the Bible filled me, only a little, and with reading the Bible came the attacks. I got frustrated at work, I was far more sensitive to everything. I was hurting and angry, my heart began to break over my sins, I have become lost. I have nowhere to run but God, I could seek people...but what could they do? They are human, and this is a matter of spirit. The Holy Spirit of God is within me, I slow down, I seek, and this comes to me. A sword being sharpened, a yo-yo, and hands being washed.

The sword came into my mind months ago, I talked to someone about it and we decided it was the Sword of my spirit, my knowledge of God that needed to be refined. Over the last month...I haven't refined it enough, but at the same time the idea didn't sit well with me. The image focused in on the sword, and the sharpening iron. Last night, at a random moment, the answer came to me. Iron sharpening Iron, a call to brotherhood. I had begun seeking guys to be my friends, Godly men that I could talk to and share life with. I've begun to find a few, and there is a great chance of growth with them.

The Yo-yo is bothering me... Am I the yo-yo, is it my hand, is it God's hand, or the hand of the world, is the world the yo-yo? It's all twisted up inside me and I can't figure it out, meanwhile the infuriating image of the yo-yo is just going up and down, up and down, consistently, and never ending. I know an answer will come, be it through revealation or interruption, but I want to know now. Irritating being impatient, most irritating. Oh well, better to move on and think on something I have the answer to already.

Washing of hands, a symbol of being rid of something, or of cleansing. I was getting ready to wash dishes today, and I had a overwhelming desire to wash my hands, to scrub and scrub, they were filthy in my mind. As I scrubbed, the thought came into my mind, "it doesn't work that way." I rinsed off my hands, and began to wash my bowl. I washed the inside first, cleaning out the food and scraping away crust and build-up, then I cleaned the outside. Another thought, "why do you clean it that way?" "It's how you clean bowls, it makes sense. Clean out the inside first, because the inside is what...matters..." I nearly dropped the bowl at this point. In my stunned silence, I felt more than anything else, "Will I not do the same for you? I have started to scrub you, and it hurts, the water is hot, the crust painful and thick, but when you're clean I can use you."
I'm still in mild shock about it, it's still fresh and flashing through my mind. So, I want to submit to the washing, I will endure the hot water, and the scratching brush, for it is for my good. I want to be useful, I want more in this life. The title of my blog! A Journey for More than Existence. I want to do more than just exist, I want to LIVE! Not jumping off buildings, or out of planes, riding in fast cars, and trying every food. I don't want to know the high life of wealth or experience the sex of a thousand lovers. I want to live, without regret, without guilt, or shame, freed from the entanglements of this world. I want Christ, to live as He did, sacrifically and complete.

I can't do it... God...Father, carry me, bring me through to this, my desire, never cease this work in me. You are mighty and worthy of praise. Thank you for this revealation, thank you for this desire, and the work you've already done.

Something Precious

Precious. Jewels, silver, and cute children come into our minds when the word precious is used.

1: of great value or high price 

2: highly esteemed or cherished

Two stories that Jesus told used to never made sense to me.
Matthew 13:44-46
"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it."
It's obvious that these men viewed the treasure and the pearls as precious, valued, and desirable. The part about selling all they have and going and buying it is where I get caught up. The idea of something, anything, so of value, so of worth, so precious, used to just throw my head in circles. This year, that changed, I bottomed out. Not in a drunken stupor, or overdosing. I didn't end up in rehab or AA. My heart and my soul gave up, emotionally I died. As my brother Kevin likes to say, "You were on life support with a synthetic heart." Which was true, my heart felt nothing but anger and hurt, but it knew all the motions and acted real.

The deepest betrayal I had ever experienced happened, but by this time a constant pattern of emotional abuse, both by others and myself, had turned me apathetic. I was dead inside, just a robot. God started working then, calling out to my heart. Passionately urging me to just keep on, He didn't beg, He encouraged. I didn't go running back, I didn't leap sold out into His arms. I took baby steps, tested the waters. I didn't go back, I just kept going forward. It was a slow process, a building of a relationship. I belonged to Him already, I just was getting to know who he was again. I didn't love God at this time, I was just interested.

I got involved with church again, going to service, serving, and I joined a small group. But in that moment God pushed my heart in one direction, and I ran. I was still healing, still growing, but the disobedience hung in my head. I was ashamed, and it hindered my walk. So, I obeyed, I joined the group He put on my heart. and the changes that had been happening slowly blossomed into life! I was filled with joy again, I saw hope.

I've realized the preciousness of Christ, I've seen why I want to give up everything for Him. It will take time, but He'd rather I be slow and real then fast and fake. Also, I've found someone precious. Someone who has come along side me, and just lived life with me. I've been made whole in Christ, I am without need. I have been given blessings in people, and specifically one person. She has smoothed rough edges, and rekindled things long buried. An excellent friend. God has used her, and I praise Him for it.

  

Precious things... God, remind me daily and increase my thankfulness to you for all your blessings. So many things I take for granted.

Rising out of the ashes!

I love duel meaning titles! They are quite exciting. For instance, today I have brought my blog back to life after a unintentional time of silence and it's the topic of the blog! Amazing right? Anywho...

Well, I've been thinking about phoenixes for the past few minutes, they are one of my favorite mystical creatures. They are in a constant cycle of death and rebirth, they rise up majestic and beautiful from the dust and soot of their ashes. In the same way I see Christians in a constant style of death and rebirth. Jesus called us to die to ourselves, and John the Baptist said in John 3:29-30 "The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease."

John know his place, purpose, and goal. It was to be "...the voice of one crying out in the wilderness..." (John 1:23a) So, he died to himself when Jesus came, he stepped out of the way and pointed to Jesus, crying out "Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29b) We should be the same! We have made so much of Christianity about us, our feelings and our wants, that we've missed Christ. Boldly we should be pointing to Him.

I am a failure at this, I have pointed to myself for many years. But God has created a work in me, and Paul said "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6) If Paul, who was Saul, brought the Word to the Gentiles, and who saw Christ on the road to damascus (Acts 9:1-9) could have such confidence in God, then I think I can too.

Big words... I pray God gives me the measure of strength I need to go forward with this.