I had a moment tonight where I was... both at my lowest and highest point at the same time. I had reached a cross roads and I knew which road I should, needed, and wanted to take... but I was stubborn, resistant, selfish. I didn't want to take that road as much as I wanted to take it, so I stalemated. I knew that taking that road would and will continue to cost me. See, I have a p*rn addiction. *gaspz!* He said that in public! on the Internet! Yes, I think I've even said it before, and yes, my girlfriend does know about this, a lot of people do actually. It's a daily battle for me, and... in a battle you get wounded, you fall. I've fallen more times than I can count. But tonight, I had a realization, a revelation you might say.
I knew that this was a disgusting horrible addiction that needed to be dealt with and cut off, but that was like knowing STDS are bad but not knowing how bad so you continue sleeping around, until you have it and it's to late. Thankfully, My addiction can be defeated, and with Christ, and the support of my friends, I will.
I had this moment though, where I truly realize the impact it was having on me and how I viewed women, and even my girlfriend at times, and this realization broke me. I was talking to Carrie Ann when I had this realization and I told her I was sorry, she forgave me. Like she always does when I'm stupid. ( sometimes I think she's got enough grace to rival God, at least when it comes to me.) But she said something that caught my attention, she said "I forgive you. Now, don't dwell on it and move on. You've got some fighting to do." She had every right to rub it in, and let me feel miserable, let me wallow in my guilt and pain, but instead she pulled me up, and gave me a push. And I started thinking about this and I realized, God does the same thing, he wants us to realize what we've done, and to repent, but once we have we need to get up and keep walking, cause we don't have the luxury of all the time in the world, we don't know when our last moment will come, and I personally don't want to be eating dirt when mine comes.
I had a funny mental picture while I was talking to Carrie Ann, it was of me lying on a path, crying my eyes out, and there's God standing over me with His hand out saying "Gee Wiz, will you come on? You've said you're sorry how many times? Seriously, we've got ground to cover, so get up and move already." Now, some of you read that and it sounds like a drill Sargent and you cring, but think of it more like it's that friend, the one that just keeps going, that keeps pushing and pulling you to keep going, the Samwise that can't carry your ring but will carry you. God's not barking out orders just telling you to move your sorry butt, he's lovingly encouraging and prodding you.
Sometimes I think about the people that feel like God had to slap them with a board to get their attention, and they seem almost... indignat that God didn't just poke them. I don't think those people realize that God had already poked them, over, and over, and over again, finally he had to get louder.
G'night world.
