I have remained silent for a long time, I have hidden and stewed in the filth of my own making. I was broken, twisted, and maimed. In my soul, there was no one I could explain it to, there was no one who could understand. I could not even form the words to express the agony in my soul, the tearing and roaring of rebellion and pain within. I poured out my heart time and time again, I laid myself bare to find all that I was seeking, I cried out in silence for the understanding and love and acceptance that my very being was screaming to find. My mind is not a calm and silent place, but when it becomes so, I grow terrified. When the silence comes... with it is death, death of awareness, death of compassion, death of caring, death of love. I faced the silence, and I found solace within it. I found warmth for the coldness within my heart, I thought I had found my place, in silence, in the dark. I would become a watcher, one who observes and considers, but does not act.
Time passed, and the ache within my soul grew. There were sores from my inactivity, infection had set in, but I thought the fever was warmth. I continued to allow the darkness to cradle me. Voices pulled at me, the light blinded me, I was angry and ashamed, so I hid with a smile on my face as I walked veiled among the light. Ever longing to return to the warmth of my island of self.
Then... a simple day, a regular day. I was done. I did not hear angels, or thunder, or see lightning. I just looked around and said. "I surrender."
There was nothing... there was silence...
But deep.... deep down in the core of my heart, I saw the flame, long buried, but never dead. I brought it close, and held it dear. A journey I began long ago I renewed once again, but this time I meant every word. This time I surrender not to an idea, not for glory, not for fame... but for He who... what words can describe him... Love, real brutal honest true love. Not the fluff of poison we bark like dogs in heat after, not the false acid that seductively promises what it can never give.
This is life. I am in pain, but alive. Broken, but alive. Dying, but alive. Trapped in decay, but renewing in life.
Hard? Yes! Difficult? Yes! Frustrating? Yes!
Death of self that life might abound is against the very code of our DNA, but that can be changed, one step at a time.
This is my journey.... It is far from over.
