Last time I was on here...cough...forever...cough... I talked about being hard ground, using the parable of the sower...
Yeah...
I didn't realize how hard that ground really was,
I have always lived my life under the banner of Christian, Christian this and that, so filled my life, my vision to the point that I was blind...blind to the fact that I was dead...decaying...gross...rotten...I had no life in me. I was like a corpse, dressed and cleaned, looking healthy and alive, like...all I had to do was open my eyes and walk away.
Reminds me of my great grandmothers funeral... healthy...smiling...but a husk...empty and deprived of life. Her life had left her body, and had joined the Father, and there she is today. Basking in His perfection and glory, soaking in His love, waiting for her Children and Grandchildren to join her in the song and dance.
This post... is my story. The real story. The Reality of me.
I was told from as far as I can remember, "you accepted Christ when you were 6". and I accepted that, and... soaked everything in, if it was Christian I was in it. Communion, Bible Memory, Choir, Camp, I loved it. But... I started noticing, in my Mega several thousand person church, I didn't have any close friends. And... I was invisible...and didn't see the point in an interrupted nap during service. That was when I learned something...if I slept in...brother and sister did...and mom and dad slept in... so I found staying home and found playing Spider-Man much more inviting then a nap during church. I'm ten by now, and eventually...we stopped going to church at all, I won. Then...friends...they get you every time...some of mom's friend's invited us to First Alliance, I was shocked... people who were friendly, inviting, actually noticed I existed, and were just a little weird. two years later, mom and dad have established themselves in the church, and I have friends!! LIFE 2004 in Phoenix, AZ comes around and one of the guys ends up not going. By now, I'm fully addicted to p*rn and my Christian mask is fully in place.
While in AZ, I heard God clearly say "you are not saved", I freaked...I said "You're wrong" and he said it again, and again, and again, until fed up, I walked down to the alter. My knees hit the floor...and suddenly I was surrounded by people, they were praying, laying hands on me, and I got caught up in the attention and failed to surrender my life to Christ. I didn't want to anyway, but... I knew the act. so, on the surface I started talking a better and more convincing talk, I got baptized, externally things were looking up. inside...I was dead. I even had the guts to stand up before my Christian camp and show them how spiritual I was by confessing my lie...a lie...to confess a lie...to cover another lie. that's alot of lie to keep up with.
I'm 18 now...Restless...dating a girl too young, just out of a relationship with another girl, with my heart tangled up in my obsession of my first true crush. Life enters a deep and dark tailspin, one that was almost entirely internal and only a few saw the out fringes of the darkness.
End of 2008 and through 2009, were very dark...and bright times...outwardly I was brighter, I was being drawn out of my darkness by that first Crush, yes, I got to date her, and I failed her. My obsession of her destroyed things inside me, and between us. Before the end of our relationship...God who had...been very sidelined in my life. Showed up again, "you are not saved." On a night when I was "weak" I heard my youth pastor at the time Share his story, of his lie, his fake life, and I stopped... and listened, and then thought about my fake life. and I just came before God, and said "I confess who I am, a sinner. I confess who you are, Jesus Christ. I beg you...forgive me. And be my Lord."
Since then...there has been darkness, but in that darkness there is a light that cannot be put out.
I'm not a glowing Christian, I'm not living as I should, I'm not clean. But I'm coming before God as I am...without my mask, without my fake life, without my lie. I've confused many...they wonder where Mike has gone, the real Mike they say...
They don't understand that this is who I am. I've been afraid to be me, now I'm not...let God deal with what I am and let God make me into who I will become.
No picture this time. Only the words.
God grant all who read this peace in your hearts.
