The idea of who I am and how I truly act and how I am has started running around in my mind lately. Last night I had a very deeply hidden hurt flair up from what felt like no where. My first thought was that I was going crazy and feeling things that didn't exist, but I knew it was me. The hurt and passion in my mind couldn't belong to anyone else, and I knew that the hurt I felt came from so deep that I didn't recognize it.
I was talking to a friend and mentioned something I had done, which was kind of avoid another person. The reason was because they had said I was very important to them and to God, and in my heart I said that if someone is going to say that they better be damn well ready to prove it. In the past and over my life I've had too many people say how important I was but they never took the time to get to know me, never showed interest and so I took that mindset of rejection and turned it around. I became the guy that goes to friends houses at midnight, and will do anything for someone I feel led to take care of. Sacrificing myself, my personality, my hurts and fears, for the sake of others! How nobel, how caring, how foolish. I blew myself up for the sake of myself, defended my heart by defending others, and faked my happiness and passion.
Passion... A word often misunderstood I feel, because it has so many meanings. To feel or be moved or compelled by strong emotion is the way I normally think of it. Because I am passionate, and my emotions are slow to move but they are a roaring fire once started. And I'm speaking about my true emotions, the ones buried beneath all my crap and history.
This buried hurt is just the beginning of a pile that... I honestly don't want to go through, but if I don't I know I will forever be limited in my walk and growth for Christ.
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