Life has this way of catching us completely off guard. We're going through it fine and dandy and then SURPRISE! We're in shock, our head is buzzing, the room is spinning, and we kind of collapse unsure of what to think or feel. When this happens to me, my temper boils and I can lash out on undeserving people. My brother has carried the brunt of these moments throughout our lifetimes, he has that stroke of bad timing where he does or says the one action/statement that sets me off. I eventually apologize, and all is made well. I've been thinking about this though, what causes us to lash out, to strike the undeserving with the full force of our wrath. It centers in our relationship with Christ.
I had a temper as a kid, ask my mother, and I would say and do anything to vent the frustration, anger, or hurt that was inside me. Mom taught me early on to never take out my anger on any living beings, be it human or animal. so I punched concert, or attacked trees. I even would make swords and other weapons to combat the evil infesting my backyard. Now, I still have a temper twenty odd years later.
I can't go out and punch walls or destroy trees. I can't display the raw and savage nature of my heart and soul with loincloth and spear fighting the invisible horrors. But I can find out what is out of place in my soul, what sin I allowed to reside in my heart, and/or what action I have failed to complete. I can surrender that to God, and allow him to change either the situation or my heart. I failed on this action yesterday, in fact I didn't even consider it.
I was so caught up in my hurt and frustration, and blinded by the stress that was building on my life that I focused on me instead of Christ. I allowed that horror that plagues all of mankind, the horror that is loss of control, to rise up and consume me. In doing so, I affected not only my own well being, but also the well being of my family and my friends. I so often forget that my actions and feelings affect those around me, in the same way their actions and feelings affect me.
What is this stress building in my life? Well, it stems from three sources: A discipleship class, money, work, moving to an apartment, and the end of a friendship. The class is a very intense personal class, highly focused on me and my walk with Christ. Money has gotten very tight with new insurance and rent. Work is a melting pot of complex situations. Moving into the apartment was going to happen weeks from now, and is instead happening tomorrow. Last and most certainly not least, the friendship between me and one of the best friends I have ever had was ended. On very healthy and good terms, our lives have gone in very different directions and I was holding on to an unhealthy hope. I'm hurt by the loss of such a friend, but if I was going to lose her this was the best way possible.
I think losing her as a friend was what really caused my frustration and anger, despite it ending well, on good terms, and promising to share what God does in our lives at the throne. It's still the loss of someone, it's still a ripping and tearing of someone I love from my life. But instead of focusing on the good, inwardly I focused on the loss, and if I allow that to continue it will become bitterness and anger. This is the day to day, moment by moment action and thoughts I need to learn.
This new habit is something I have to allow God to do in me, because I can't do it. My dad told me over and over again, never say you can't do something because you might find out you can. I can't change who I am, God can though and He longs to turn me into a fountain that overflows with His love and reflects who He is to everyone around me. To bring hope to the lost, and encouragement to the family. One day at a time, I'm a trickle of water right now, I can't become a geyser overnight.
So I continue on, ever on and on.
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