So many changes...

Life has this way of catching us completely off guard. We're going through it fine and dandy and then SURPRISE! We're in shock, our head is buzzing, the room is spinning, and we kind of collapse unsure of what to think or feel. When this happens to me, my temper boils and I can lash out on undeserving people. My brother has carried the brunt of these moments throughout our lifetimes, he has that stroke of bad timing where he does or says the one action/statement that sets me off. I eventually apologize, and all is made well. I've been thinking about this though, what causes us to lash out, to strike the undeserving with the full force of our wrath. It centers in our relationship with Christ.

I had a temper as a kid, ask my mother, and I would say and do anything to vent the frustration, anger, or hurt that was inside me. Mom taught me early on to never take out my anger on any living beings, be it human or animal. so I punched concert, or attacked trees. I even would make swords and other weapons to combat the evil infesting my backyard. Now, I still have a temper twenty odd years later.

I can't go out and punch walls or destroy trees. I can't display the raw and savage nature of my heart and soul with loincloth and spear fighting the invisible horrors. But I can find out what is out of place in my soul, what sin I allowed to reside in my heart, and/or what action I have failed to complete. I can surrender that to God, and allow him to change either the situation or my heart. I failed on this action yesterday, in fact I didn't even consider it.

I was so caught up in my hurt and frustration, and blinded by the stress that was building on my life that I focused on me instead of Christ. I allowed that horror that plagues all of mankind, the horror that is loss of control, to rise up and consume me. In doing so, I affected not only my own well being, but also the well being of my family and my friends. I so often forget that my actions and feelings affect those around me, in the same way their actions and feelings affect me.

What is this stress building in my life? Well, it stems from three sources: A discipleship class, money, work, moving to an apartment, and the end of a friendship. The class is a very intense personal class, highly focused on me and my walk with Christ. Money has gotten very tight with new insurance and rent. Work is a melting pot of complex situations. Moving into the apartment was going to happen weeks from now, and is instead happening tomorrow. Last and most certainly not least, the friendship between me and one of the best friends I have ever had was ended. On very healthy and good terms, our lives have gone in very different directions and I was holding on to an unhealthy hope. I'm hurt by the loss of such a friend, but if I was going to lose her this was the best way possible.

I think losing her as a friend was what really caused my frustration and anger, despite it ending well, on good terms, and promising to share what God does in our lives at the throne. It's still the loss of someone, it's still a ripping and tearing of someone I love from my life. But instead of focusing on the good, inwardly I focused on the loss, and if I allow that to continue it will become bitterness and anger. This is the day to day, moment by moment action and thoughts I need to learn.

This new habit is something I have to allow God to do in me, because I can't do it. My dad told me over and over again, never say you can't do something because you might find out you can. I can't change who I am, God can though and He longs to turn me into a fountain that overflows with His love and reflects who He is to everyone around me. To bring hope to the lost, and encouragement to the family. One day at a time, I'm a trickle of water right now, I can't become a geyser overnight.

So I continue on, ever on and on.

Back To Back

I had a thought while in class the other night. We watched a clip from Soul Surfer, in the clip a girl convinces a boy to get back in the water after a bad storm. She stood on the edge and beckoned to the child, step by step showing him it was safe to come in the water. Soon, everyone was in the water, laughing and playing.
Sometimes, I feel like God does the same thing. That he stands  at the next step in our journey, calling out to us, showing us it is safe.
But he isn't confined to that one place, he is able to be all places at once. Thinking of that reminds me of two of my fondest memories, memories I hold dear to the way a child remembers their favorite toy growing up, or the dog they grew up with. They explain my view of God being in all places quite well in my own mind. These are tales of two of my best friends, Kevin Fuller and Carrie Ann Wible.
The first is actually about how I met Kevin. We were both attending the same camp, and the crazy guy got so excited about camp and everything that was going on that he got dehydrated. I was in his cabin, so we sat together at the campfires. He asked if he could lean on me and I said sure... Was I unprepared. I had never had someone actually use me for support before, they always make it look easy in the movies. Kevin was my size, and heavier in muscle mass. But, I'm loyal and understanding of how drained he was, walking back to the cabin with Kevin leaning on me was one of the coolest experiences of my life. I walked beside him, the only thing between him and basically crawling. God does that, he stands beside us, one on each side. He's cool like that, he helps us over things, guides us through safer paths, and holds our weight when we can't hold our own.
Now the story about Carrie Ann happens at the same camp, almost 5 years later. She and I were dating at the time, and both working at the camp. We had just had a disagreement, and had both needed to cool down. We made up, and ended up going and sitting at the lakeside. Now, working at a Christian camp of course we couldn't cuddle up and stare off into the sunset. But, we did sit back to back. I love doing that, with anyone. There's something special about it, you're trusting that person to watch your back, for support so you don't fall over, and there's a chance foe intimacy that isn't a regular thing between people. We talked, shared our days, laughed, and enjoyed being together and looking at the lake. God has our back, he's there watching out for the things we can't see coming, and we can talk with him intimately and personally.
So, God beckons us to new adventures and closer walks with him, he stands by each of our sides to guide us along the path and to carry us when we're weak, and he stands at our back defending us from the past and from the things we can't see. He's there for us.
Right now, I'm not madly in love with God. Now, before you stone me :)
This is a realization I need, because relationships take time... And I'd rather be honest and say I like God and I looking to pursue a relationship with him, then lie and say I love him when I don't yet. I want to though... Deep down my soul churns and longs for that time when I know him, and trust him fully, and love him regardless of the day. One day at a time.

What Do You See?

We go about our lives seeking fulfilment, our hearts longing to be seen, known, and understood. Some are trapped behind the image of another, others too caught up in the past to see the future, and rejection falls like an anvil on the hearts of many. There's a heartbeat to the world... pain and loss, misunderstanding, grief, fear, anger, pride, but also love, hope, passion, truth, acceptance.

I sometimes stop... and marvel at it's sound. The crescendo of the epic ballad that is our world, it's existence, our very essence! And then, I remember... No one cares. Their life is focused on themselves...even their love is a ploy to give themselves points, to make themselves feel as though they have done something good. I don't sit still very often in public...it makes me sad. To hear the broken songs, to watch hearts break, love die, and hope fade.

I've been told I'm childish, and immature... They couldn't see how I view the world, how the smallest things can be just as important as the ones that block the sun. The world has ripped away my joy of the building blocks...the daily things...the everyday moments that pass unnoticed. The feel of textures...the variance in sounds...the subtleties of facial expressions... the sheer volume of body language...the way a hug can resonate within the soul, and a slap can shatter it.

Loneliness... it is misunderstood. Someone says they're lonely and we jump them. "don't forget, God is with you!", "You're never alone!." I've done it, but I realize something from my own loneliness. If someone expresses it, if it's in their voice, the way they act. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO BE WITH THEM! Yeah, it might cost you some sleep, you might be drained and tired, your life might get out of whack. But if you really care about someone... Don't show it by throwing words... Not when they're asking for time, companionship, understanding, simply knowing that they are wanted, just...being there.
Do you see them? The misfits...the invisible ones...the hurting... They aren't all hiding in crowds, or staying at home. They're throwing parties, being popular, loud and crazy, they're known around the world, they have everything they could want. They also have nothing, they stand in corners and slip through crowds, they avoid and hide. They each are DYING! Their lives are being drained away by the world...and we speak words, words we sometimes don't even believe ourselves, words we would never dare admit we haven't experienced for ourselves. Because misfits teach, and preach. The lead missions, and prayer. They lay on hands, and speak prophecy. They partake of the supper, and sing with arms raised high. Misfits and hurting people are all around... Real People teach them to exist, Real Love gives them Real Hope. Are you truly Willing to give of yourself...or just when it's convient for you or your pocket book.

Disgust rages inside me at the world...but more at myself... for this is me...I have been this... A convient Child of God, a rich-and-guilty Child, a Look-How-Holy-I-Am Child.

I'm not better...I'm just a Child, and I still have so much to learn.

Rage and Fear

Sometimes we are overcome by emotion, anger leads us to action, horror leaves lasting scars, and desire leads to excessive care and attention. No emotion can exist without causing a reaction, and more often then not those reactions are outward. The effects can be quiet, like a person avoiding friends or family in sadness or hurt. They can be loud, such as angry outburst and destruction of people or property.

The one we don't notice or don't see is what we can justify as not reacting, which is the reaction of suppression or hiding emotion. This I am very familiar with, I suppress my emotions all the time. Like right now, I'm very afraid, but I'm hiding my fear behind keeping myself busy. The current thing I am afraid of is myself, I'm scared to dig in and find out who I am. The fear is so bad that I'm shaking... and cannot think clearly.

Take that fear, and throw a moment of rage on top of it. You now have two conflicting emotions fighting for the same spot, begging for a reaction. My rage was focused on abortion, the radio wasn't even saying someone was having one, but hearing it trigger the type of rage that I would not want people to see. The reaction was violent, and then suppressed. Why? Cause I have no desire to allow violence to dictate my actions, and because my fear watered down my rage but not before my heart was caught in a whirlwind of emotion.

I was left shut down and gasping, my heart aching in loss of ones that never had a voice. Sadness fills the moment....sadness I can't express. Maybe a day will come, when how I feel and who I am will be one and the same.

The picture is from this website.

Friends

Among the wild maelstrom that is my mind at the moment one idea is full and complete enough for me to as Dumbledore would use the Pensive to clear his mind of excess thoughts.
I realized tonight...and over the past few weeks, that I'm really rather horrible at showing people how much I care about them.
The more I care and the closer I feel that I get to people the more...awkward and idiotic I become around them. I question things I say, worry about things I do. It gets so bad that I end up shutting down, and seeming detached and distant because... I simply can't express myself. People that I love, and I don't say that lightly, really can't know how I really feel. I can't find ways to express it in ways that are not awkward...or just strange. I feel deeply and passionately about my friends...and deep and passionate things about people other then your mate are awkward.
I read old books, and the way they talk about their friends and the companionship expressed between people is so...deep and different, and the way I would love to express myself... "born in the wrong time" as some people like to say. But I was born here, and now, and God has a plan.
I don't know why I am this way, but I trust God has a plan for it, and that I will learn ways to express myself or get over my fear of showing it.
Onward I go...

Who am I...really?

The idea of who I am and how I truly act and how I am has started running around in my mind lately. Last night I had a very deeply hidden hurt flair up from what felt like no where. My first thought was that I was going crazy and feeling things that didn't exist, but I knew it was me. The hurt and passion in my mind couldn't belong to anyone else, and I knew that the hurt I felt came from so deep that I didn't recognize it.
I was talking to a friend and mentioned something I had done, which was kind of avoid another person. The reason was because they had said I was very important to them and to God, and in my heart I said that if someone is going to say that they better be damn well ready to prove it. In the past and over my life I've had too many people say how important I was but they never took the time to get to know me, never showed interest and so I took that mindset of rejection and turned it around. I became the guy that goes to friends houses at midnight, and will do anything for someone I feel led to take care of. Sacrificing myself, my personality, my hurts and fears, for the sake of others! How nobel, how caring, how foolish. I blew myself up for the sake of myself, defended my heart by defending others, and faked my happiness and passion.
Passion... A word often misunderstood I feel, because it has so many meanings. To feel or be moved or compelled by strong emotion is the way I normally think of it. Because I am passionate, and my emotions are slow to move but they are a roaring fire once started. And I'm speaking about my true emotions, the ones buried beneath all my crap and history.
This buried hurt is just the beginning of a pile that... I honestly don't want to go through, but if I don't I know I will forever be limited in my walk and growth for Christ.

Who is God... To me.

I may have posted this once before, but... I can't remember and I'm feeling lazy, besides if I've learned something new since I last "spoke" about it, then it does not matter anyway.

I had a moment last year where I was feeling an urge to help myself understand God better, now I have a serious problem with the whole "God is like this...to me." I feel when we limit our view of Him, and we limit our own potential. But I was really struggling with how...impersonal and distant God felt from me, which is a limitation of my own mindset. As you can probably tell, I'm trying very hard to make myself clearly understood. People have a habit of not actually listening to what I'm saying and jumping down my throat on the first thing that "goes against the grain", or "isn't quite right."

The nice thing about a blog, I can say what I want, how I want, and there's no one but my other thoughts to cut me off. :)

Anyway, So I was feeling that God was very impersonal, like high-end CEO, I know his name...I see what he's done and what he is doing, but I have never actually made friends with him. So, I started seeking ways that could make God more personal to me. One of the first things that came to mind was Names, or the names of God. Names are so powerful, more powerful then I think people really understand. My name, Michael, means "Who Is Like God?" and after growing in my faith and really pondering my own name, I view it as a challenge. Kind of like, "You! Who can you say is like God? Prove it, prove to me that someone can be like God, and I'll prove to you that one no can." Gloves off. Sword drawn. Line in the sand. WHO IS LIKE GOD!?

My middle name is James, and I struggled with this for a while, because by definition, the name is not a "good" name. By my mom really pounded this home when she said, "I don't care what any definition says, you were named after your father who is a strong, loving, caring, sacrificial man." I've never forgotten that, and I never will.

And Hudson.... means son of Hud. I don't know who Hud is... :)

Rabbit trail.....

And back. But I really started searching for the name for God that really...hit home. The name that defined who he had been in my life. It took some searching, but I found this

Jehovah Mekeddeshem, The Lord Who is Sanctifying You. My entire life is around God cleansing me, and making me holy and pleasing to him... and it is a full time job.

The funny thing is, I forget that name. I ran away, threw away that name and went my own way. After being back for a while, something triggered that name in my mind and I rediscovered how amazing and powerful it is. But I still struggle with making him mine...and understanding that I am his.
So I continue, one day at a time.