I am Trash

I am not a good Christian, or a good person. I avoid God, even though I know in my heart and have seen the works in my life that prove He is looking out for my best, and my best is what glorifies Him the most. My mind and heart are full of violence and hurt, I'm quick to anger and to take offense. I don't speak it aloud, but in my mind and whispered in the ears of others I spew venom and spite. I am not quick to forgive, and am full of bitterness. This is not a bashing on myself, I am not tearing myself down. This is truth; a confession and lament.
I struggle the most with the thoughts about my future, I worry everyday about ten...fifteen years down the road. I worry away hours, I lose sight of what is in front of me, the minutes of my life tick away as I dream about the future and I allow every chance to do what is right pass by. I've left a, in comparison, small trail of destruction in my wake. Of broken hearts and lives, of friendships badly handled or abandoned because I was ashamed, or afraid.
I am not worthy of any praise, or recognition. The people I call friends, I stab them in the back with my words. When I hurt, I pour salt in my wounds and spit poison in the ears of those around them. I gossip, and talk around people. I manipulate and control conversations, gather information and use it against people. I'm judgemental, and quick to join a band wagon. I am tossed around by the ideas and feelings of others.
Let me clarify now, this depiction of me covers my entire life, my time first growing in Christ, to my bat-out-of-hell running away from him. Recently, God has changed me. He touched my heart, over the last six months I have become a different person. Not from reading my bible everyday, or praying every day. But, piece by piece, letting go of myself. I've begun to allow Christ to come in and work, to open the walls in my heart and let Him work without me fighting him.
I haven't perfected it, I already said I don't read enough of His Word, and I'm not going before the throne like I should, but even without that the surrender of my heart has allowed change. He given me grace and has been merciful to allow me to have a heart that is passionate for children, and to be an example and teacher they can look to in the time I'm around them. I've been given a heart that hurts with people, and longs to be along side them.
None of this comes from anyone but Christ, I struggle some days and some days I don't at all. I fight sometimes, and sometimes I just don't care. He still wants me though, as broken and dirty as I am, He wants to clean me up and make me useful. I don't know how, but I know, that I know, that I know, that He called out to me. He rescued a child before the darkness of the world had fully taken me, and He has whispered in my heart for fifteen years.
In fifteen years of me being His and not truly following Him, He has never left me. He's let me go my own way, let me experience and see that the desires of my heart were not pleasing. That they left me empty, and wanting. He stood by, waiting for me to reach the end of my rope, to turn around and say to Him, "Father, Lord... I can't." All He said when I turned around, was "Welcome back, I've been waiting." I was accepted, desired and loved. I don't enjoy the cleansing sometimes, but I see it's value now.

So, here I am, incomplete, dysfunctional, and sinful.
But!
I am forgiven, repairable, and redeemed.