Good Grief Charlie Brown...

Long time no post...

Emotionally I feel like Charlie Brown; Depressed, dragging my feet through life, wondering what everyone really thinks, contemplating deep things about life and love, and feeling like I can't do anything right.

Life has taken me for a ride, but just like ride you have to get on, and I did. I made a choice, then another, followed by many more. I lost friends, mangled relationships, hid and lied, cowered in my mental shell. Now... I'm off the ride, but my adrenaline is still pumping, my hands shaking, head spinning, this is the park where you throw up and then feel better... Only I can't. The feelings won't go, I'm dry heaving for all I'm worth but all I'm doing is feeling worse.

I have four best friends... two loyal to a fault, one of those gets in my face about life, the other gets in my face at the times needed. Another I've known forever, we've fought it out, tried to run each other off, said we were done as friends, yet we always come back. Then there's my best of the best, my dark, brooding, brother who walked away when I wouldn't listen to reason, and came back when my pain was buried and hidden. because he knew, he knew my pain personally, and dropped the past to come and be my brother. I'm humbled... By all my friends. By the one who rips me a new one every time I deserve it, by the one who reminds me to have fun and enjoy life, by the one who knows me better then I know myself, and by the one who forgave and put aside the past to come and sit in the dark with me.

I look at these four... and unlike Charlie Brown, I realize I must have done something right. I don't deserve them, but I'm thankful for them.

New Creation...

Last time I was on here...cough...forever...cough... I talked about being hard ground, using the parable of the sower...

Yeah...

I didn't realize how hard that ground really was,

I have always lived my life under the banner of Christian, Christian this and that, so filled my life, my vision to the point that I was blind...blind to the fact that I was dead...decaying...gross...rotten...I had no life in me. I was like a corpse, dressed and cleaned, looking healthy and alive, like...all I had to do was open my eyes and walk away.

Reminds me of my great grandmothers funeral... healthy...smiling...but a husk...empty and deprived of life. Her life had left her body, and had joined the Father, and there she is today. Basking in His perfection and glory, soaking in His love, waiting for her Children and Grandchildren to join her in the song and dance.

This post... is my story. The real story. The Reality of me.

I was told from as far as I can remember, "you accepted Christ when you were 6". and I accepted that, and... soaked everything in, if it was Christian I was in it. Communion, Bible Memory, Choir, Camp, I loved it. But... I started noticing, in my Mega several thousand person church, I didn't have any close friends. And... I was invisible...and didn't see the point in an interrupted nap during service. That was when I learned something...if I slept in...brother and sister did...and mom and dad slept in... so I found staying home and found playing Spider-Man much more inviting then a nap during church. I'm ten by now, and eventually...we stopped going to church at all, I won. Then...friends...they get you every time...some of mom's friend's invited us to First Alliance, I was shocked... people who were friendly, inviting, actually noticed I existed, and were just a little weird. two years later, mom and dad have established themselves in the church, and I have friends!! LIFE 2004 in Phoenix, AZ comes around and one of the guys ends up not going. By now, I'm fully addicted to p*rn and my Christian mask is fully in place.

While in AZ, I heard God clearly say "you are not saved", I freaked...I said "You're wrong" and he said it again, and again, and again, until fed up, I walked down to the alter. My knees hit the floor...and suddenly I was surrounded by people, they were praying, laying hands on me, and I got caught up in the attention and failed to surrender my life to Christ. I didn't want to anyway, but... I knew the act. so, on the surface I started talking a better and more convincing talk, I got baptized, externally things were looking up. inside...I was dead. I even had the guts to stand up before my Christian camp and show them how spiritual I was by confessing my lie...a lie...to confess a lie...to cover another lie. that's alot of lie to keep up with.

I'm 18 now...Restless...dating a girl too young, just out of a relationship with another girl, with my heart tangled up in my obsession of my first true crush. Life enters a deep and dark tailspin, one that was almost entirely internal and only a few saw the out fringes of the darkness.

End of 2008 and through 2009, were very dark...and bright times...outwardly I was brighter, I was being drawn out of my darkness by that first Crush, yes, I got to date her, and I failed her. My obsession of her destroyed things inside me, and between us. Before the end of our relationship...God who had...been very sidelined in my life. Showed up again, "you are not saved." On a night when I was "weak" I heard my youth pastor at the time Share his story, of his lie, his fake life, and I stopped... and listened, and then thought about my fake life. and I just came before God, and said "I confess who I am, a sinner. I confess who you are, Jesus Christ. I beg you...forgive me. And be my Lord."

Since then...there has been darkness, but in that darkness there is a light that cannot be put out.

I'm not a glowing Christian, I'm not living as I should, I'm not clean. But I'm coming before God as I am...without my mask, without my fake life, without my lie. I've confused many...they wonder where Mike has gone, the real Mike they say...
They don't understand that this is who I am. I've been afraid to be me, now I'm not...let God deal with what I am and let God make me into who I will become.

No picture this time. Only the words.
God grant all who read this peace in your hearts.

So as I sow...

I was listening to myself as I was having a conversation the other day, and I realized I sounded like I had been thinking on this subject that I was sharing for a long time. Only, I hadn't at all, the thoughts never crossed my mind while I was reading the book I was talking about, or in the weeks leading up to the conversation, I hadn't even thought about the book at all that day. but, in the conversation... everything made sense, and it opened my heart and mind to new and different thoughts about myself.

I realized something, in Mark 4:3-8 the parable of the sower, there are four types of ground. a hard path, rocky ground, thorns, and good soil. I realized lately that I have the fifth type, Concrete. My heart was hard, living water was being poured upon it and it just ran off, seeds bounced. I was asking God to soften my heart, but He couldn't. It was hard, He wanted to soften it, but that's not how you remove concrete. You have to break it.

So, I've been broken. But now, I have a rocky soil, full of these broken pieces of concrete. pieces of faith are now shooting up bright and green, but withering in the heat of the day. The next step in this process is to rid the soul of the rocks. To find them, and be aware of them. And after that, the weeds will be revealed and those will have to be dug out by the roots and burned. Then, the good soil will be there.

Sounds wonderful right? It is, it's just not the one shot deal I thought it was. I always considered myself the good soil, now I'm realizing that very thought proved I was among the thorns, and the thorns lead to the hard path, and the rocks. I'm in the rocks right now, this is where I am. I can't pretend to be farther then I am, nor can I relax my work. Cause, the minute I relax and turn away from Christ, Satan digs in and sows his own seed, and I allowed him to.

Stealing

So, I've got a lot going on and I feel like I'm seeing connections to different areas in my life that are being pieced together. To start off I'm reading 'i am no but i know I AM' by Louie Giglio. and the book is all about I AM how God is and we are not. He's everything and we're nothing. But He wants to make us into something by living and working in and through us. One big section I noticed that really wasn't that big, but had really deep roots in my heart is at the end of page 23 and it says " But God also is in touch with just how potent He is, desiring to do huge, God-sized things through you if you're ready to abandon the path of making more of self and embrace the miracle of being small, yet knowing His name." Now, my thoughts are, when rewritten to fit the theme, how will this be provided, where will provisions for these amazing things come from? Duh answer I know, but I'm thickheaded and slow sometimes. So, this is all running through my head and at work Saturday I write this in my Journal

"Exodus 8 A Plague of Frogs: Then the Lord said to Moses, “Go back to Pharaoh and announce to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: Let my people go, so they can worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will send a plague of frogs across your entire land. The Nile River will swarm with frogs. They will come up out of the river and into your palace, even into your bedroom and onto your bed! They will enter the houses of your officials and your people. They will even jump into your ovens and your kneading bowls. Frogs will jump on you, your people, and all your officials.’”

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Tell Aaron, ‘Raise the staff in your hand over all the rivers, canals, and ponds of Egypt, and bring up frogs over all the land.’” So Aaron raised his hand over the waters of Egypt, and frogs came up and covered the whole land! But the magicians were able to do the same thing with their magic. They, too, caused frogs to come up on the land of Egypt.

Then Pharaoh summoned Moses and Aaron and begged, “Plead with the Lord to take the frogs away from me and my people. I will let your people go, so they can offer sacrifices to the Lord.”

“You set the time!” Moses replied. “Tell me when you want me to pray for you, your officials, and your people. Then you and your houses will be rid of the frogs. They will remain only in the Nile River.”

“Do it tomorrow,” Pharaoh said.

“All right,” Moses replied, “it will be as you have said. Then you will know that there is no one like the Lord our God. The frogs will leave you and your houses, your officials, and your people. They will remain only in the Nile River.”

So Moses and Aaron left Pharaoh’s palace, and Moses cried out to the Lord about the frogs he had inflicted on Pharaoh. And the Lord did just what Moses had predicted. The frogs in the houses, the courtyards, and the fields all died. The Egyptians piled them into great heaps, and a terrible stench filled the land. But when Pharaoh saw that relief had come, he became stubborn. He refused to listen to Moses and Aaron, just as the Lord had predicted.

A Plague of Gnats: So the Lord said to Moses, “Tell Aaron, ‘Raise your staff and strike the ground. The dust will turn into swarms of gnats throughout the land of Egypt.’” So Moses and Aaron did just as the Lord had commanded them. When Aaron raised his hand and struck the ground with his staff, gnats infested the entire land, covering the Egyptians and their animals. All the dust in the land of Egypt turned into gnats. Pharaoh’s magicians tried to do the same thing with their secret arts, but this time they failed. And the gnats covered everyone, people and animals alike.

“This is the finger of God!” the magicians exclaimed to Pharaoh. But Pharaoh’s heart remained hard. He wouldn’t listen to them, just as the Lord had predicted.

A Plague of Flies: Then the Lord told Moses, “Get up early in the morning and stand in Pharaoh’s way as he goes down to the river. Say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: Let my people go, so they can worship me. If you refuse, then I will send swarms of flies on you, your officials, your people, and all the houses. The Egyptian homes will be filled with flies, and the ground will be covered with them. But this time I will spare the region of Goshen, where my people live. No flies will be found there. Then you will know that I am the Lord and that I am present even in the heart of your land. I will make a clear distinction between my people and your people. This miraculous sign will happen tomorrow.’”

And the Lord did just as he had said. A thick swarm of flies filled Pharaoh’s palace and the houses of his officials. The whole land of Egypt was thrown into chaos by the flies.

Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron. “All right! Go ahead and offer sacrifices to your God,” he said. “But do it here in this land.”

But Moses replied, “That wouldn’t be right. The Egyptians detest the sacrifices that we offer to the Lord our God. Look, if we offer our sacrifices here where the Egyptians can see us, they will stone us. We must take a three-day trip into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord our God, just as he has commanded us.”

“All right, go ahead,” Pharaoh replied. “I will let you go into the wilderness to offer sacrifices to the Lord your God. But don’t go too far away. Now hurry and pray for me.”

Moses answered, “As soon as I leave you, I will pray to the Lord, and tomorrow the swarms of flies will disappear from you and your officials and all your people. But I am warning you, Pharaoh, don’t lie to us again and refuse to let the people go to sacrifice to the Lord.”

So Moses left Pharaoh’s palace and pleaded with the Lord to remove all the flies. And the Lord did as Moses asked and caused the swarms of flies to disappear from Pharaoh, his officials, and his people. Not a single fly remained. But Pharaoh again became stubborn and refused to let the people go. "

I was reading in Exodus 8 and I noticed a repeated theme in Pharaoh. He would do anything in order to be rid of a plague. How often do we live the same way? when we, in a moment of trial, promise God anything in order to relieve our suffering and then we forget that promise when the time does come that we're relieved. I want to take this as a warning, to be true to my promises and be careful of my quick desire to be free of suffering. If I am going to promise something, I want to with the intention of keeping it, not as a quick fix that I will forget as quick as it was made. Now, in John 6:1-15

"Jesus Feeds Five Thousand: After this, Jesus crossed over to the far side of the Sea of Galilee, also known as the Sea of Tiberias. A huge crowd kept following him wherever he went, because they saw his miraculous signs as he healed the sick. Then Jesus climbed a hill and sat down with his disciples around him. (It was nearly time for the Jewish Passover celebration.) Jesus soon saw a huge crowd of people coming to look for him. Turning to Philip, he asked, “Where can we buy bread to feed all these people?” He was testing Philip, for he already knew what he was going to do.

Philip replied, “Even if we worked for months, we wouldn’t have enough money to feed them!”

Then Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up. “There’s a young boy here with five barley loaves and two fish. But what good is that with this huge crowd?”

“Tell everyone to sit down,” Jesus said. So they all sat down on the grassy slopes. (The men alone numbered about 5,000.) Then Jesus took the loaves, gave thanks to God, and distributed them to the people. Afterward he did the same with the fish. And they all ate as much as they wanted. After everyone was full, Jesus told his disciples, “Now gather the leftovers, so that nothing is wasted.”So they picked up the pieces and filled twelve baskets with scraps left by the people who had eaten from the five barley loaves.

When the people saw him do this miraculous sign, they exclaimed, “Surely, he is the Prophet we have been expecting!” When Jesus saw that they were ready to force him to be their king, he slipped away into the hills by himself."

Jesus has fed five thousand men and their families, He saw their need and He provided for it. Pharaoh was given a reason to need to be freed from the plagues so that he could rule supreme, God fulfilled that need but Pharaoh dropped his end when the burden was lifted.
God gives us needs and "impossible" situations so that we will have the chance to run to him, so we can choose Christ and allow Him to provide for us like he Promises in John 6:22-59 (read yourself please before continuing. http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John%206:22-59&version=NLT )
But here He is promising to provide spiritual food rather than physical. As I read these passages I realize that it's more of Jesus planting seeds in the hearts of the disciples and prophesying of what was to come at the Last Supper, so that the followers of Christ could look back and say, this is what He was saying.
The bread and the cup are symbolic of the body and blood of Christ, so when Jesus says that those who eat of his body and drink of his blood, He's promised them eternal life and that promise is remade every time we partake of his body and his blood.

Now, see where my key words came in? I was wondering How and God provided this verse to say "I took care of 5,000 with a small boy willing to share his lunch, what more can I do with an entire LIFE devoted and surrendered to me." So, I've done that, surrendered my life to God, it's no longer mine. Well, my pastor was talking... yesterday ( just looked at the clock) and his sermon was on changing our focus and our desires because our focuses and desires effect the rest of our lives and are what truly guide us. but that wasn't what really hit me, it was when he said "I'm a dead man, this body, these clothes, the money I have, everything is really God's not mine." and I wrote this down on my notes.

This is not my body, clothes, my things. This is God's life. I need to surrender it to Him, cause I stole it from Him, I need to return what I have stolen.

After I surrender, every time I go and try to control my life and lay claim on "my" things, I'm stealing from God. I don't want to do that, heck, that realization makes my heart break and ache thinking of how many times I've stolen from God in the last week. This will be a life long process, of returning what I have stolen, and if I return what I have stolen, everything I need will be provided at it's proper time.

--

God Bless,
Mike
Isaiah 40:25-31

New Life

The thing I always heard over and over again was that whole "becoming a new creation" spill, but I never ever ever understood it. I thought it was like, as you go you become new. But that sounded to much like I had to earn what was given... it didn't match up. But in the last few days I've become a new creation... how? I honestly don't have a clue. I know what lead up to the point, but the point, that instant of becoming new, I don't know. I suddenly noticed, I'm at peace, I'm not bitter, I want to know Christ, I want to clean up my crap. This was what I know I did, I reached the point where I looked at God and said "I'm scared, but I want more then this. I want to become more then I am." That was my turning point, where I said "yes God, take me and change me." I didn't become perfect, but something changed inside. and the story goes on... A new life, so much to learn, to see.
I don't know exactly what I'm becoming, but I know it's better then what I was and I'm looking forward to the adventure...not of a life time, but of my life time, an adventure that started in 2004 in Phoenix, AZ, on the 28th of July. But it's taken me 5 years and many amazing people to truly find the path and begin walking. I will fall, but there are arms to catch and uplift me. A new day is dawning, and for that I do sing praise and give thanks to Him who created and sustains me, and saved me.

God bless you, and peace and righteous desire be in your heart.

Addiction

This is something I've spent years mulling over... and tonight it clicked, everything fell into place, if I need to be corrected on any of this, please tell me. I'm looking for truth, and I feel that this is a combination of truth that has lead me to my foundation of surrender, to giving my life, in all it's fullness to lay it on this, this rock that I feel is what God desired. Again, please, correct me if I am wrong in anyway.

The reason for the title is the fact that I struggle with addictions, which I believe I have mentioned on here before. So, now I lay my first block of breaking from addiction, which will lead to breaking down a wall, and laying my life upon the stone that is Christ. Read it... as though I'm talking, for that's how I am writing it.

It's different...harder...talki

ng about it and then, when the moment happens... Well, you not yourself... Not entirely. You have the choice... Well, I, being of Christ and covered in His blood, have my free will over the choice of sin. It sounds good... Simple even... But taking something from yourself that you've kept hidden, you take ownership of it, it becomes yours... And cutting the addiction, it's like cutting off a limb. But... More than that, because it's not a limb, to you it becomes... Your heart, or liver, or any vital organ that you cannot live without. It's something that gives you life... Like breathing air...
The only way then... To be rid of it, is to reject ownership, this does not belong to me, you sign the title off to someone else. But... Not another human, no, too weak, finite, easily swayed, tempted, tossed by the winds and waves of society and culture, even the views of trusted friends and family. No, not human. God, Christ, who already bore them, already paid for them. Willing and eager to sign the title and take ownership. Infinite, all powerful, only bound by His own laws to prove his purity and right to govern and rule as sovereign lord. He cannot be swayed by anything. Otherwise, we'd have no hope, nothing to stand on, faith and purpose would be meaningless. But, He can, He has, and He will govern, rule, defend, strengthen, teach, and guide those that surrender. The basics... Going back to the basics, evidence. Believing in the evidence... gravity...air... We can't see them, cannot truly capture them, but we see their effects on our world, on us, on our day to day lives. Believing in something, not because you see it, but because you have seen the evidence and truth of it's existence, not once, but over and over again daily in the lives of people and you've seen it change and empower and care for them in every area , you see the evidence. Believing in things not seen, but trusting on faith. There is a formula, but only because God is a god of order and there must be a pattern, otherwise everything falls out of place and there is chaos. But man has be trying ever since the fall to build his own formula, but it's always missing an element. God. Even when they try to add the "God-factor" they want it to be controlled and in their power. Thus, they fail. God is unpredictable, except when it comes to his law. He will never go against Himself, or His law. Why? Order. He made order in the first place, thus His order is best. Why? because He knows everything. Why? Cause He created it and thought of it first! The inventor is the only one that truly knows what the invention is for, and it's purpose. He gave us the current order to repair the damage caused by the fall. (Note: which was not the FIRST SIN, it was the FIRST HUMAN SIN. just making that clear. Satan fell before Woman, she wasn't named until after the fall, and Adam fell after woman. Whose fault? ALL THREE. They Chose. Just as we do.)
Jesus was both MAN and GOD and thus the damage which was caused was repaired by Christ because only a man can take the place of another man and Christ was both man and God so He could take the sins of an infinite number of men. Thus, God's law is not broken, but fulfilled. [This last section on the repair of the fall was inspired by Smooth Via in his Sermon "It's Not About You" http://www.takeajourney.org/sermons ]
This puts the choice back in our hands, the choice to follow God or reject Him.
All this is true, but... you can't claim it as truth if you just take my word on it, or repeat it. It's not truth unless it comes from God, if you say "Mike said..." then it may be truth, but you can't prove it cause it came from me. a sinful, finite person. But, if you take those words, and go back to scripture, and say "I want the truth about this..." then you've claimed it and taken responsibility for your own faith. If you don't like what you find, tough, it's still truth. Why? Cause it came from God, who is Truth in it's very essence. Once you truly claim and then accept this reality that what God says is truth, and can be trusted, then you hand it back to it's creator and say "Thank you, what shall I do with Your Truth, which You chose to reveal to me so as to make yourself known to one who couldn't have possibly have understood it on his own." then... comes listening, reading, prayer, being with Him, fellowship. The goal then becomes that His desires become ours, and serving becomes a joy, a privilege that we are given as a gift. It's not a job we are forced to do because He is God and deserves to be served, but a choice we make because we understand that He deserves to be served and we want to, because we love Him and know Him personally. As a wife serves her husband because she knows he deserves it in his position, not because the husband forces her with threats to hurt her. Neither does God trade with us, again the example of the marriage. A wife doesn't offer her body to trade for something she wants, but because she desires to care for her husband. We are the bride of Christ, he doesn't force us with threats, and we can't offer ourselves in payment to gain something for ourselves.
This I have decided is the foundation of my Relationship with Christ, My choice, His Gift, I was created to love and serve and work with Him to bring about a greater good then I have ever known.

Again. I am open to corrections or comments.

Sunday Christian

The beat is intense. Every strike of the drum makes your heart quicken. soon your blood is flying through your veins. Everything speeds up, your breath, your reactions, your vision is sharper, you're truly ready for anything.
Then suddenly... the drum stops, you blood freezes in your veins, and a dagger is stabbed deep into your heart... by your own hand.

This shocks, maybe even horrifies you to read, or maybe you're numb to it, I don't know.
But what I know is that I've done this, and maybe you have too. See, this is the Sunday Christian. Sunday they are fired up, ready to take on the world, but the alarm beeps on Monday morning and they're once again dead. They kill themselves spiritually. I know because I've been one of those, in fact... I was this this Sunday, except I didn't even make it past LUNCH! I killed myself quickly after... why? I'm not entirely sure, but I know it had to do with the fact that My Sunday image and my weekday image don't match up.

Now that I've realized this... I'm just going to keep doing it.

Wait, does that sound right? Oh, I've realized I keep taking the wrong medicine and am putting myself at great risk, so I'm just going to keep doing it. Oh, I just realized I'm on the edge of a deadly cliff, so I'm just going to keep walking. Oh, that round in the gun was a blank, I'm going to pull the trigger again.

Yes, I'm being sarcastic, in a attempt to make my POINT CLEAR!
I'm not going to continue killing myself weekly, I'm either going to always be dead of be completely alive. For you Sunday Christians that read this... what's your choice?
God Bless,