Silent Step

Some things are celebrated loudly, and others are silent.

The child's first steps are to freedom from crawling, and celebrated loudly with encouragement and support from the beginning.

An addicts first steps to freedom are often silent and alone, with no encouragement or support in the beginning. Shammed by their own actions, the opinion of the public, and the rejection of friends and family, they plod silently. Some fall back, and their silent or public struggle is unknown because nothing seems to change. The ones that truly want freedom do not always achieve it, the pressure is to great, they can't do it alone, they're ashamed to admit especially if they've slipped.

If you have friends or loved ones who struggle with any sort of addiction and want to be free, shield them with encouragement, cover them with prayer, hunt them down when they go silent. Silence is shame, silence is hiding, silence does not mean everything is good or going well, and sometimes they are not strong enough to stand. Years of shame don't go away in a day, and they do not want to disappoint the ones they love with their failures, silence is dangerous... because they've either given up, or decided to fight on their own.

Just toughing up, or just pushing through doesn't work for all. It's long and painful, and they will fail. And if they feel deep shame, if they do not have people they trust to understand, even if they do trust and have those that understand, they will hide ever deeper away. And the silence will continue, and smiles will remain fake, laughter hollow, and joy gone. Do not take their hiding personally, they love you and trust you, but they're scared and hurting and need love.

I'm thinking of those today taking silent steps, press on, and pray for the hearts around you, try not to remain silent, but pray for others eyes to see if you must.

You're never alone, no matter how dark it gets.

Others struggle, and God is there... even when that seems impossible.

So, press on brothers and sisters, don't lose heart.

My Box

I have a box.

It is one my Grandaddy gave me.

It used to be his.

It had a broken lid.

We glued it back together.

It's been full.

It's been empty.

Things have been added.

Things have been removed.

It holds wonderful memories.

And things I'd rather forget.

Joys I cherish.

And mistakes from which I learned.

Loss is in the box.

Gain is in there too.

Bittersweet days.

Beautiful nights.

Sometimes it gathers dust.

Sometimes I use it to remember.

It was my Grandaddy's box.

It held his memories.

Now it is My Box.

Can I catch my breath? (For Daniel Blanchard)

I was talking to my mom today about... LIFE! Or rather, life as we know it right now. A series of joy/sadness whiplash that has our heads spinning these past couple of years. We're both thinking, "Can I just get a minute to catch my breath?"

No, not because life is cruel, but because it's life. It doesn't stop for us to catch our breath, or to prepare for the next challenge. One breath prepares us for the next, as one challenge prepares us for the next. The rest, preciously rare, is not ignored, but cherished. The losses make the joys bitter but so much sweeter. The gains are celebrated with gusto. The precious rest is found in the moments in-between.

My family... close and far, known and unknown, has been rattled and shaken by the loss of a young life. The memories are joyous in the life loss, joy upon joy, story upon story, picture upon picture. Facebook has been flooded with the memories of those who remember a young man full of life, love, and happiness.

You can't see all of it in the picture, but my band says "BE BOLD Acts 4:29"

 "And now, Lord, look upon their threats and grant to your servants to continue to speak your word with all boldness," (ESV)

This is a part of a prayer... when they have been threatened if they were to teach in the name of Jesus. They don't ask for protection, just boldness. The next verse says

"while you stretch out your hand to heal, and signs and wonders are performed through the name of your holy servant Jesus.” Acts 4:30 (ESV)

They believe God will act, so they ask for what they cannot get themselves... boldness to speak in the face of ANYTHING.

I haven't been able to wear this band, for I did not want boldness, or a reminder of it. I'm wearing it now, and will continue to, because Daniel Blanchard did not touch lives by being cowardly, unloving, and distant. But by being bold, active, and intentional. This is my remembrance.

I remember a boy full of energy and excitement, it brings be great joy to hear the stories of how that boy grew into a man who only grew in those to touch so many lives.

You'll never be forgotten my friend, hold a space for us who still struggle on in this world.

Guardrails...

My home church is going through a series called Guardrails. In all honesty it's a tough series. A very practical and thought provoking venture.

I grew up with guardrails, boundaries in my life. Haha, I was sheltered... Sheltered. A word often used to degrade others, to tear at them and say "how childish you are for not being exposed to this as a child". That isn't what is intended, but its how a sheltered person feels. We don't feel protected or safe, we feel left out and excluded.

We are fools... I jumped the boundaries my parents, pastors, and teachers placed around me. I regret many things.

I look back at my protected days, when I was not fully exposed to the world and the full brunt of it's influence and I long for them, my soul longs for them. I did not understand the safety of my guarding at the time, I thought it was a measure of control something to keep me contained. Having stood in the gale of the world, I find myself exposed and torn by the wind of life.

I want to end this positively, with a telling of personal victory. New guardrails need to be placed in my life, and the placing of them is a process.

So, no personal victory, but I will share a corporate one!

I'm not alone. You, reading this, are not alone. The struggle you feel, the difficulty, is being felt by others. We, as a whole, are victorious in Christ.

If you are struggling with the wind of life tearing at you because of a lack of guardrails, DO NOT DISPAIR!

Somewhere, a brother is struggling alongside you. A sister is praying for you. A spiritual parent is interceding on your behalf.

You may read that and say, "Not me."

That IS A LIE!

There are people, facedown on the ground with their souls groaning and crying for the ache in your soul. Their prayers are wordless, but God hears them, God placed those prayers in their hearts... for you. They're weeping with you. Mourning with you. Rejoicing with you!

I used to live "alone"... convinced that I alone struggled, that I was the only stumbler, the only one weak. I was wrong.

I don't know your name, but I will pray for you.

God has not forsaken us.


In His Love,

Mike

Escaping Fear/Finding Joy

I think every time I come back to the world of blogging it's been a terribly long time. It's true... my reading stats are almost zero... sad. Good thing I don't write for the fan base!

I recently received a verbal hide-tanning from a loving friend. He was passionate about a subject, and I dodged around the topic for a long time. He wasn't even trying to tan my hide, he was just expressing the passion in his heart. I went home that night and I asked God why I ran away from the topics, why I ran away from Him, why I was so afraid. I didn't get an answer... I already knew it.

A while ago I met with my pastor for coffee between jobs, (I'm an exterminator now if you didn't already know), and during the ensuing conversations I casually asked if he was worried about something. "Worried is a strong word." I went cold, but outwardly agreed. Why did I go cold? "Love is a strong word." "Hate is a strong word." My pastor put worried on the same level as hate and love.

Worried, we often casually throw it around as though it was nothing, a cheap word. "I'm worried about..."

Worried "anxious or troubled about actual or potential problems."*

Origin

Old English wyrgan ‘strangle.’ In Middle English the original sense of the verb gave rise to the meaning ‘seize by the throat and tear,’ later figuratively ‘harass,’ whence ‘cause anxiety to’ (early 19th century, the date also of the noun).*

We've really tamed this word, but does it not still strangle us? Keep us penned up. Worry does not motivate, it traps, snares, strangles. 

And when we worry we are afraid, and fear enters our lives.

And now you're going "yes, you're clever, we see what you did there, bringing us full circle to your topic, but what is the point?"

Fear "avoid or put off doing something because one is afraid" (Verb)*

"Again... Point?"

Ok, I have been afraid.

Of God, of people, of opinions, views, thoughts, actions, consequences, etc.

This fear allowed me to play church and Christ Follower, even be a decent leader. It did not allow power in my life, it did not allow me to lead with true authority nestled deep within the will of God, it did not allow power to flow out of Christ through me.

"Isn't God all powerful? Can't He change your heart? Are you even a Follower? He doesn't need you. Is He even real? Am I wasting my life?" Lies in my own mind tearing at my belief and the more I feed them, the more I worry, the more worry grows the more I feel strangled, the more strangled I feel the more afraid I become, the more lies I feed to myself. A circle.

So, when God didn't answer the question I already knew the answer to, I told Him the truth.

"I'm afraid."

I surrendered my fear, I thanked Him for His rescue, and I continued with joy in my heart. My struggles didn't change, but I was no longer afraid.

"That easy?"

No, this has been a long road. Years and years of fear, constant lying and running, playing Christian and church, gaining friends and losing them when I became afraid of hurting them. So no, it wasn't that easy. I had to reach a point where I was willing to surrender my fear, to give ownership of it to Christ, and accept His offer of joy. I got the better deal, and I'm very thankful.

These verses at the bottom are what continued to go around in my head, they were once burdens that I felt like a failure when I read them, now I feel joy reading them. Because there's a promise of peace that will guard my heart.

2 Timothy 1:7

English Standard Version (ESV)

7 for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.**

Philippians 4:6-7

English Standard Version (ESV)

6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.**



*Found by searching Google

**Copied from biblegateway.com

What they don't tell you and how I didn't listen...

What they don't always tell you, they being teachers/pastors/friends/parents/mentors, about following Christ is that it is hard. Sometimes... they don't even realize they're doing it. I grew up in a time, era, location, lifestyle where Changing the World for GOD! got many exclamation marks. Where the domino effect was preached about changing one life that effected the whole world, and how people were just waiting for God to come in and fill the emptiness inside them. They rarely mentioned the burned, the angry, the tired, the hurt, the misinformed, the confused, the thinkers, the theorists, no, no I mainly heard about the LOST. Lost people are looking for something, and when you give it to them they are overjoyed. The burned are scared of it happening again, the angry are not going to listen to what you say about it, the tired are going to avoid it, the hurt are going to run from it, the misinformed are going to gossip about it, the confused are going to damage it, the thinkers are going to analyze it, and the theorists are going to agree with you on most points. 

No one taught little Christian boy here how to communicate Christ to someone who has been through hell and back a few times and has been burned, lied to, misunderstood, and is fed up with anything to do with God or Christianity.

Until I became him.

Someone mentioned something about my blogs, and what I took from it was that I tend to talk ABOUT things, ABOUT my struggle, or my feelings about them, but I do not say what they are.

So here's a confession, I struggle with talking to people about my faith in Christ, which is a way of saying I do not talk to people about my faith in Christ. I can count on one hand the people I personally while talking to them have seen accept Christ in front of me. A majority of my life I have not been living "on mission" as we sometimes say. In part because I never met a LOST person, everyone knew exactly where they stood, or had a hard to counter explanation as to where they stood. Also in part, because I didn't listen when someone said that following Christ was hard, and I pulled on my label of Christian around follow Christians, and was the "good guy" around everyone else.

What has been happing to me over the last few years, is a violent roller coaster of following God and then running from Him, add in that I struggle with depression that makes it abnormally physically exhausting to do laundry, or clean my house, my car, shop for food, make meals, (Basically function as an adult)  and that Change the World mentality that I've been "failing" and I'm in a serious mental mess on a regular basis.  I can throw on a good face in public, but my mask is wearing very thin.

I'm scared to take that mask off for good, and, its easy to type all this here because I'm alone and I'm going to post it before I seriously think about people reading it.

I'm scared because I know everything that people are going to say, Meds? Sleep? Prayer? Bible Reading? Accountability? Counselor? Therapy? Diet? Just tough it out? Overreacting? Herbs? Exercise?

I don't want to snap... I don't want that mask to come ripping off my face... I want to take it off myself. Starting here, in the place I pick and choose what I show the world the most.

So like I said, I became him.

And God is teaching me how to communicate with those like me by loving me.

What did I not listen to? the people who talked about how hard following Christ is, the ones who died to spread that word, the ones who have gone before me, I didn't listen to them. I didn't believe them.

This is becoming scattered and I'm considering deleting it so I'm going to wrap up.

Just... prayer... a hug... time... 

It's going to be long and hard, and thank God I'm not alone. 

How everything went wrong...

Now, I know my last post was heavy so I'll start off on a lighter note. 

It's Super Bowl Sunday and the Seahawks whipped the Broncos.

Onto the serious.

Just kidding, this one is pretty light, but I do want to start off by listing everything that went wrong this morning for Tech at LifeCity.

Worship leader got sick and lost his voice, had to change songs because worship leader couldn't sing, the lights decided to be rebellious, the control tablet had a glitch, a video didn't render, we were short handed... you get the idea.

I have a awesomeness scale for Sunday mornings: more things that go wrong = how awesome Sunday will be. This morning was a 7+ before service started on the wrong to awesome ratio.

It ended up being on a pure awesome scale of well over 11. 

Why? Because God.

God had a plan for this morning, and it happened exactly how He wanted it to. No bumbling of man, or technological glitches were keeping this morning from happening. The worship was flawless, and God clearly spoke through Darby and the message. It is a privilege and an honor to be a part of all of this.

We're doing a series on Covenant and Kingdom by Mike Breen for the next 5 weeks. Our whole church and CityGroups are doing a book study at the same time, it's incredible. You can sense the movement that God has stirred in us as a body and I'm super excited to see where He's taking us through this. I'm pretty stoked inside even though I'm physically exhausted as I write this.

So, that is it, I just wanted to share some light hearted excitement with you all. 

God bless you, whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever you are going through. I prayed for you tonight while writing this, be encouraged and full of joy!