Old Shoes, New Shoes

As the title says, this post is about shoes, sort of. I bought some new shoes the other day; non-expensive, regular ol' tennis shoes. They were much needed, seeing as my old shoes had no support, the bottoms were literally peeling off, and holes were beginning to show. They were also hurting my feet, and causing blisters on my heels from the plastic poking through after having worn through the fabric. Time and constant use had worn out my shoes. Recently, but before I got my shoes, my soul was feeling the same way.

The terms 'run down' and 'burned out' come to mind; that was how I felt. Life had run me over, and my own hurts and fears had burned me from the inside. My life is easy in comparison to others I know...and I know this. I'm not ignorant of the fact that I have been blessed with a rather laid back life. Maybe my life isn't glamorous; thank God it's not. I would hate the glamorous lifestyle. I already despise it. I'd rather have excellent friends than thousands of dollars. I'd rather enjoy time with loved ones than live comfortably.

And that was something I think the Hebrews missed, and I say Hebrews instead of Israelites because they weren't the nation of Israel yet. They said, "If only we had died by the LORD’s hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death" (Exodus 16:3b); and, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt? Didn’t we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!" (Exodus 14:11b-12). These types of statements show up throughout the rest of the book of Exodus. Over and over again, the people, their souls burdened and scorched from their many years in Egypt, turned on Moses and blamed him and The Lord for their struggles.

They didn't see that God wasn't fighting for their bodies, but for their souls. A soul dies in the lap of luxury; it rots amidst plenty. A muscle strengthens best under struggle and tension, and requires rest to regain its full strength. God took them out of "plenty" and brought them into the desert. God proved Himself faithful; He provided all their needs. He provided food and water daily; it wasn't glamorous. Pots weren't overflowing with meat, vegetables and fruits weren't abundant, but they were fed and their clothing and feet were sustained. "Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years" (Deuteronomy 8:4).

God cursed them for their disobedience - their failure to rise up and take their land for themselves (Numbers 13:26-14:44). Many died of plague and, when their enemies attacked them, and they wandered in the desert for forty years, God provided for them... He remained faithful. I pondered this as I was trying on my new shoes, wondering what it would be like if they never wore out. Would I really notice? It feels like yesterday that my old shoes were new; I didn't notice they were getting worn out until they were. I think our hearts and souls are the same way: we forget about their conditions, we rush and go, and we run out of steam and look down at our hearts and say, "When did I become weary, when did I start to burn out?" We didn't remain aware of our condition; we forgot to return to God daily to be renewed.

I struggle with this, but God remains faithful in all my struggles.
As always, onward I go.

New Look

I have decided I needed a new look. So I've added a few things, fixed some text, changed the template. So... thoughts, opinions, are welcome.

Rough Circumstances

I was thinking about rough times, hard circumstances, and difficult trials the other day. Their effect on the heart, how they twist it around, bruise and damage it. The way they drag down our spirits and make us feel like we have nothing of value to give. They make us think differently, we become distracted and distant sometimes. People's reactions to stress and pain are as varied as people themselves.
I am an inward thinker, but an outward processor. When I'm struggling with something, it rolls around in my mind, the way a cow chews its cud. I dwell and worry, play events over and over again in my mind. I get stuck going in circles, it can be maddening. Then I talk to someone, anyone really, who's willing to listen, and things start to fall into place as I discuss it and allow the pieces to pour out. The pictures form and I'm able to understand my own thinking, which can be a very complicated an convoluted thing. When you're trying to include as many possibilities and variables as possible, and still respect opinions, think about people's feelings, understand their circumstances, and decide your own opinions, you quickly become frustrated and irritable.
I think far too much on things of little importance, but back to the topic at hand. I was thinking of hard times, and how I've often blown my situations far out of proportion. My life does not have very many extremely difficult struggles, but I am struggling still with some of the hardest and worst things I have ever faced in my lifetime. And though they seem small, they've rippled out through my life and corrupted my views on love, introduced shame to my friendships, and instilled a sense of fear when it comes to other people. I could blame it all on what was done to me, and how I was hurt, but I know that most of my issues come from my own insecurities. These insecurities are fading some days, and they rear their ugly heads on others. It is a constant battle for my heart and mind. Constantly reminding myself of who I can trust, who has proven themselves, and remembering I seek the praise of God and not the approval of man.
Focusing my topic now, thinking about hard circumstances reminds me of a season of baseball that I played as a teenager. The coach called us out on a nasty, wet day, sent us to the field and had us practice sliding into base repeatedly. We were covered in mud; some of the guys even ended up with it in their mouths and down their pants. We were miserable, but, let me tell you, a few games later, I was thankful. I ended up in a situation where I didn't have the luxury of time to think, and I was able to slide as I had been taught and without fear. Sometimes, I wonder if God does the same to us. Allows us to experience, be it by our own sin or the struggles of another, hardships, so that when we are faced with another, similar situation, we can say, "I go forward confident, because God carried me through worse." But we still struggle, we still choke on those important moments, but not if we have prepared. We won't, not if we are seeking out, and looking for opportunity and purpose.

Forward I go.

Struggles of the Mind

Some people get songs stuck in their heads, I get ideas. I believe God has given me images in my mind, things to make me seek and struggle. He does that, when we ask Him to give us reason to seek Him. When I asked that, I was expecting, as horrible as it sounds, a death, but no one died. Nothing traumatic happened, life continued on. A desire to read the Bible filled me, only a little, and with reading the Bible came the attacks. I got frustrated at work, I was far more sensitive to everything. I was hurting and angry, my heart began to break over my sins, I have become lost. I have nowhere to run but God, I could seek people...but what could they do? They are human, and this is a matter of spirit. The Holy Spirit of God is within me, I slow down, I seek, and this comes to me. A sword being sharpened, a yo-yo, and hands being washed.

The sword came into my mind months ago, I talked to someone about it and we decided it was the Sword of my spirit, my knowledge of God that needed to be refined. Over the last month...I haven't refined it enough, but at the same time the idea didn't sit well with me. The image focused in on the sword, and the sharpening iron. Last night, at a random moment, the answer came to me. Iron sharpening Iron, a call to brotherhood. I had begun seeking guys to be my friends, Godly men that I could talk to and share life with. I've begun to find a few, and there is a great chance of growth with them.

The Yo-yo is bothering me... Am I the yo-yo, is it my hand, is it God's hand, or the hand of the world, is the world the yo-yo? It's all twisted up inside me and I can't figure it out, meanwhile the infuriating image of the yo-yo is just going up and down, up and down, consistently, and never ending. I know an answer will come, be it through revealation or interruption, but I want to know now. Irritating being impatient, most irritating. Oh well, better to move on and think on something I have the answer to already.

Washing of hands, a symbol of being rid of something, or of cleansing. I was getting ready to wash dishes today, and I had a overwhelming desire to wash my hands, to scrub and scrub, they were filthy in my mind. As I scrubbed, the thought came into my mind, "it doesn't work that way." I rinsed off my hands, and began to wash my bowl. I washed the inside first, cleaning out the food and scraping away crust and build-up, then I cleaned the outside. Another thought, "why do you clean it that way?" "It's how you clean bowls, it makes sense. Clean out the inside first, because the inside is what...matters..." I nearly dropped the bowl at this point. In my stunned silence, I felt more than anything else, "Will I not do the same for you? I have started to scrub you, and it hurts, the water is hot, the crust painful and thick, but when you're clean I can use you."
I'm still in mild shock about it, it's still fresh and flashing through my mind. So, I want to submit to the washing, I will endure the hot water, and the scratching brush, for it is for my good. I want to be useful, I want more in this life. The title of my blog! A Journey for More than Existence. I want to do more than just exist, I want to LIVE! Not jumping off buildings, or out of planes, riding in fast cars, and trying every food. I don't want to know the high life of wealth or experience the sex of a thousand lovers. I want to live, without regret, without guilt, or shame, freed from the entanglements of this world. I want Christ, to live as He did, sacrifically and complete.

I can't do it... God...Father, carry me, bring me through to this, my desire, never cease this work in me. You are mighty and worthy of praise. Thank you for this revealation, thank you for this desire, and the work you've already done.

Something Precious

Precious. Jewels, silver, and cute children come into our minds when the word precious is used.

1: of great value or high price 

2: highly esteemed or cherished

Two stories that Jesus told used to never made sense to me.
Matthew 13:44-46
"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field, which a man found and covered up. Then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field.
Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls, who, on finding one pearl of great value, went and sold all that he had and bought it."
It's obvious that these men viewed the treasure and the pearls as precious, valued, and desirable. The part about selling all they have and going and buying it is where I get caught up. The idea of something, anything, so of value, so of worth, so precious, used to just throw my head in circles. This year, that changed, I bottomed out. Not in a drunken stupor, or overdosing. I didn't end up in rehab or AA. My heart and my soul gave up, emotionally I died. As my brother Kevin likes to say, "You were on life support with a synthetic heart." Which was true, my heart felt nothing but anger and hurt, but it knew all the motions and acted real.

The deepest betrayal I had ever experienced happened, but by this time a constant pattern of emotional abuse, both by others and myself, had turned me apathetic. I was dead inside, just a robot. God started working then, calling out to my heart. Passionately urging me to just keep on, He didn't beg, He encouraged. I didn't go running back, I didn't leap sold out into His arms. I took baby steps, tested the waters. I didn't go back, I just kept going forward. It was a slow process, a building of a relationship. I belonged to Him already, I just was getting to know who he was again. I didn't love God at this time, I was just interested.

I got involved with church again, going to service, serving, and I joined a small group. But in that moment God pushed my heart in one direction, and I ran. I was still healing, still growing, but the disobedience hung in my head. I was ashamed, and it hindered my walk. So, I obeyed, I joined the group He put on my heart. and the changes that had been happening slowly blossomed into life! I was filled with joy again, I saw hope.

I've realized the preciousness of Christ, I've seen why I want to give up everything for Him. It will take time, but He'd rather I be slow and real then fast and fake. Also, I've found someone precious. Someone who has come along side me, and just lived life with me. I've been made whole in Christ, I am without need. I have been given blessings in people, and specifically one person. She has smoothed rough edges, and rekindled things long buried. An excellent friend. God has used her, and I praise Him for it.

  

Precious things... God, remind me daily and increase my thankfulness to you for all your blessings. So many things I take for granted.

Rising out of the ashes!

I love duel meaning titles! They are quite exciting. For instance, today I have brought my blog back to life after a unintentional time of silence and it's the topic of the blog! Amazing right? Anywho...

Well, I've been thinking about phoenixes for the past few minutes, they are one of my favorite mystical creatures. They are in a constant cycle of death and rebirth, they rise up majestic and beautiful from the dust and soot of their ashes. In the same way I see Christians in a constant style of death and rebirth. Jesus called us to die to ourselves, and John the Baptist said in John 3:29-30 "The one who has the bride is the bridegroom. The friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly at the bridegroom’s voice. Therefore this joy of mine is now complete. He must increase, but I must decrease."

John know his place, purpose, and goal. It was to be "...the voice of one crying out in the wilderness..." (John 1:23a) So, he died to himself when Jesus came, he stepped out of the way and pointed to Jesus, crying out "Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!" (John 1:29b) We should be the same! We have made so much of Christianity about us, our feelings and our wants, that we've missed Christ. Boldly we should be pointing to Him.

I am a failure at this, I have pointed to myself for many years. But God has created a work in me, and Paul said "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." (Philippians 1:6) If Paul, who was Saul, brought the Word to the Gentiles, and who saw Christ on the road to damascus (Acts 9:1-9) could have such confidence in God, then I think I can too.

Big words... I pray God gives me the measure of strength I need to go forward with this.

Like Father Like Son

I hear it everyday at work; "You look just like your father." or "You sounded just like your dad when you said that." I know in a lot of cases this is embarrassing for people, and it used to embarrass me. It has become an honor to hear that now, because I realized my father is a great man. He worked very hard while I was growing up, and continues to do his best in every job he does. He provided all our needs as children: beds, clothes, food, roof over our heads, and transportation. He taught us hard work, and a sense of honor and devotion. It's a high standard, which I fell very far from, but I'm working my way up to it.

I'm realizing how much I'm like him lately. My mannerisms, sense of humor, laugh, and I've even got the family limp! I was walking into the apartment the other day, and I realized I had started the habit of wearing my work jacket most places that I went. I can only remember three jackets my dad ever wore: His suit coat, jean jacket for working outside, and his work jacket. I don't know how my dad felt, but for me it was like his sense of identity. It has his name, his place of business, and for a while it had his ASE Master Tech badge which labeled him as a Master Mechanic.

These thoughts were stumbling around in my brain, the jumbled soup of thoughts, emotions, and chaos that it normally is, when I came across a verse.

John 5:19 ¹⁹So Jesus said to them, "Truly, truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise

Now, of course this is an entirely different situation, but it was cool to me to see that there's a pattern. Often sons will do what their father does, be it a life pattern or just the same job. I've always joked how I'm the perfect blend of my parents, and it's very true. I look like my dad, but body structure is more like my mom. I have dad's laugh and smile, and both of their abilities to make friends anywhere. When I get frustrated I act like my dad, and I space out and get distracted easily like my mom.

I was with mom through most of my life, dad working crazy hours and such didn't leave much more then stories at night when we were younger and dinner sometimes if he wasn't working late. Being home schooled gave me a lot of time with my family, but work kept dad away. So, until I was about 15 years old, I was very like my mom. Then I started working with my dad, and while I was still me, I began to learn mannerisms and patterns from my dad. I changed a little, and for the better I feel.

God set a standard, and began a lifestyle that Jesus expressed fully and completely in his lifetime. He was obedient to his earthly mother, and lived without sin. Jesus healed because God does, He loved because God does, He expressed anger at the defilement of the temple because God was angry, and He surrendered Himself to the cross because God commanded it. I have not been as obedient to my earthly or heavenly father.

So, onward the journey goes.

Overflowing excitement!

Have you ever talked to someone and you can just tell that they're not interested? You ask about their job, life, family, even friends, and they are just zoned out. It's depressing, and my heart goes out to them. I wonder about what does make them excited, what is that thing that they talk about and they just light up? I talked to someone last night, and she was tired. It was Monday, she was drained from the weekend, and a little stressed, the norm for her I believe.
We started talking, and eventually we came around to the topic of her job. She works at a camp that does year around stuff, the same camp I basically grew up at as a child. So, the topic of her job led to the topic of what was new around the camp. Tired and stressed Trisha suddenly lights up, she's beaming as she tells me about the new things. New programs, new buildings, and new people!
She couldn't contain her excitment, the love she had for the camp and the people that work there bubbled out of her. The joy that new things were happening and the places that the camp was going just lit up her face. She went from tired and stressed, to smiling and laughing. The transformation was incredible.
For me, I get that way when I talk about my work with kids, and when I'm thinking and dreaming about my future family. I love my kids on Sunday mornings, they're smart and funny. Each has their own personalities and quirks. I can't wait to have kids of my own, I'm no where near ready but I'm looking forward to it! It is my passion; the hard work, time and effort of raising children. The teamwork and joint effort of myself and my wife; as we build each other up in order to raise up our children to be strong, deep thinking, passionate people. Who I pray, even now, will be sold out to Christ, founded in God, and daily living in the Spirit.
I look forward to so many things, but I can't neglect the here and now. The opertunities to serve and give of myself and my time; the surrendering of myself to life others up should be daily for me. It isn't, I struggle with the selfishness of my own heart. I catch myself not listening when people talk to me, or jumping ahead in things because of something I desperately want. I realize as I focus more on Christ, and getting to know Him, that I become more like Him. His love for me overflows into love for others, same with His compassion and forgiveness. Anything that God is will start coming out of me, for it is "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." as Luke 6:45b puts it best. 

I am Trash

I am not a good Christian, or a good person. I avoid God, even though I know in my heart and have seen the works in my life that prove He is looking out for my best, and my best is what glorifies Him the most. My mind and heart are full of violence and hurt, I'm quick to anger and to take offense. I don't speak it aloud, but in my mind and whispered in the ears of others I spew venom and spite. I am not quick to forgive, and am full of bitterness. This is not a bashing on myself, I am not tearing myself down. This is truth; a confession and lament.
I struggle the most with the thoughts about my future, I worry everyday about ten...fifteen years down the road. I worry away hours, I lose sight of what is in front of me, the minutes of my life tick away as I dream about the future and I allow every chance to do what is right pass by. I've left a, in comparison, small trail of destruction in my wake. Of broken hearts and lives, of friendships badly handled or abandoned because I was ashamed, or afraid.
I am not worthy of any praise, or recognition. The people I call friends, I stab them in the back with my words. When I hurt, I pour salt in my wounds and spit poison in the ears of those around them. I gossip, and talk around people. I manipulate and control conversations, gather information and use it against people. I'm judgemental, and quick to join a band wagon. I am tossed around by the ideas and feelings of others.
Let me clarify now, this depiction of me covers my entire life, my time first growing in Christ, to my bat-out-of-hell running away from him. Recently, God has changed me. He touched my heart, over the last six months I have become a different person. Not from reading my bible everyday, or praying every day. But, piece by piece, letting go of myself. I've begun to allow Christ to come in and work, to open the walls in my heart and let Him work without me fighting him.
I haven't perfected it, I already said I don't read enough of His Word, and I'm not going before the throne like I should, but even without that the surrender of my heart has allowed change. He given me grace and has been merciful to allow me to have a heart that is passionate for children, and to be an example and teacher they can look to in the time I'm around them. I've been given a heart that hurts with people, and longs to be along side them.
None of this comes from anyone but Christ, I struggle some days and some days I don't at all. I fight sometimes, and sometimes I just don't care. He still wants me though, as broken and dirty as I am, He wants to clean me up and make me useful. I don't know how, but I know, that I know, that I know, that He called out to me. He rescued a child before the darkness of the world had fully taken me, and He has whispered in my heart for fifteen years.
In fifteen years of me being His and not truly following Him, He has never left me. He's let me go my own way, let me experience and see that the desires of my heart were not pleasing. That they left me empty, and wanting. He stood by, waiting for me to reach the end of my rope, to turn around and say to Him, "Father, Lord... I can't." All He said when I turned around, was "Welcome back, I've been waiting." I was accepted, desired and loved. I don't enjoy the cleansing sometimes, but I see it's value now.

So, here I am, incomplete, dysfunctional, and sinful.
But!
I am forgiven, repairable, and redeemed.

Dance of Love: The Repost

I posted this in March 2009, and the only reason I'm posting it again is because it has been on my mind. The tempo is in my mind...lacking a partner.

A holy dance, a circle of love. One caring for the other, and the other returning the care. A steady and consistent beat; a flow that can be followed, that can be seen and admired. One gives and supports the hurting one, then once the hurting one is healed confirms and encourages the one that supported him. When battle is joined, the two fight as one, protecting and strengthening each other, the tempo increases, the dance becomes deadly, what spirit of evil can stand against it, what demon of hate, greed, lust , or any other tempter can destroy this dance? None can, for they have not the power nor the strength. The circle of love remains unbroken, the dance merely shifts and changes.


When the calm returns, the dance continues.

Both partners will, at times, step away and dance with another to love and support, even fight, for another, but they always return to each other. Sometimes both will draw a third into the dance, and both will encourage and support the third with love and care.

When times are calm, the two continue the dance, a circle of love never broken. For those that have eyes to see, they will notice a third partner in the dance, one who is in all the situations mentioned above, and far more. This one is the one that started the first dance, the dance that has been there forever and will forever continue. The three dance in harmony, never tripping each other, always supporting and moving in time with the others. If one happens to stumble, the other two lift him up, if both stumble then the first dancer of all carries them both until they can dance on their own again.

This circle is the circle of love, it is patient and kind, never ending and the greatest of all dances.

A Infinite Dimensional God

There are few things as interesting as a heartbeat, and I wonder how many people think about it on a daily basis. I know I don't, I generally just go through every day with my head buzzing like a beehive. I know I felt my heart beating on Sunday morning though. Jimmy was speaking on the sovereignty of God, basically that we can't question our creator because we don't know what he knows and we don't have His authority. Sounds... harsh...cold...but if you dig deeper and think more about it, it becomes a comfort.
On Sunday, I wasn't questioning God's actions in my own life, but I was questioning what he was doing in the lives of others. This isn't my place...but I am human, and I'm still learning to accept and trust. I felt the hurt that was beating in their hearts, the confusion and the pain, as well as that thread of life tied into their souls that spoke of God's work, and His power in their lives. I questioned his actions though...cause I wondered if they could bear what had been placed on their shoulders. Then I realized... I had made a big mistake.
I have a habit of seeing God in one dimension. What do I mean... I mean, I see God as love, or wrath. I see Him passing judgement or offering forgiveness. Sometimes I see him in 2D, 3D, and sometimes even 4D. When I'm looking at God as only a love, which He is, and He allows painful things to happen to people, suddenly my view of God gets tested. I can choose to allow my knowledge of God, as a good father to his children, to shift my view from 1D to 2D, Now I'm viewing him as a Loving Father, which means then that whatever is happening in their lives is for their good or for God's glory.
Now, at this point my view of God could be tested again, I hear about hundreds of people dying and I know that not all of them could have been Christ followers, God is in my mind a Loving Father. This a point I can shake my fist at Him and say "Why don't you save everyone?" or I can remember that God is also Just. So God is now 3D, he is a Loving and Just Father. If my offend my biological father, as a child he could punish me, if I confessed and apologized before he acted on my punishment he could choose to forgive me and give me pardon, or to forgive me and still punish me. Is not God the same, but He has all wisdom, knows all things, and is perfect, and is now 6D! That's insane!
The list goes on, the more we understand God, the more there is to know. The more we accept the different attributes, or dimensions, God the better we can understand His workings. And the less time we can spend questioning Him, the better and more effectively we can worship and serve Him. So, knowing God and his promises I can safely trust that he has a plan. also,
1 Corinthians 10:13
New International Version (NIV)
"13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
Now, I wasn't being tempted...was I? Yes, I was being tempted to not trust God, but I was given a way out by my knowledge of Him and His character. And my friend was just having a hard time, not being tempted... No, they were being tempted to try and handle things on their own, and not trust God to have control. We both were tempted and both given a way out. We who have trusted in Christ, have been promised that God will give us the strength to stand against temptation, and an escape when we are not strong enough. I still need to work on this as I continue to grow. Like a heartbeat, sometimes we forget God is there...but he is always giving us life. :)

Dark and gloomy

The clouds are dark this morn'

They herald of storms, and the coming rain

For some this is the coffin nail, the final blow

Wishing for sun and warmth to take the fear away

It eludes them, teasing and mocking them

Beams and rays break through, giving hope for but a moment

My heart soars and begins to sing

Something majestic is in the storm

A ringing call that strikes the heart of man

It calls out saying "Know me! I am here."

Desperation of neglect does not fill the voice

But the steadfast authority of one who deserves it

How can we ignore? How could we not see this glorious display?

Reality and Fantasy

For a creative mind the line between reality and fantasy is very clear, unlike how many people perceive it I think. To the outside sometimes the creative blurs the lines of reality and fantasy. The child fighting monsters in the back yard knows they aren't real, he's simply expressing the fantasy being played out in his mind. The girls drinking tea know it's only water, and their dolls can't really drink it. The problem apparently is when the childish fantasy continues on into adult life, and adults forget what it was like to be a kid, or dismiss it because they were raised to dismiss it. Or they were teased or attacked. Shot down. Hurt.
I'm child-like at times, and sometimes I'm childish. There's a big difference in my mind. When I think of Childish, I think immaturity. When I think Child-like, I think amazement at life. Now, I'd rather not get into immaturity, so I'll focus on amazement. I watched a child last night play peek-a-boo with a total stranger, the smile on her face lit up the room. The kids I work with get excited over paper and markers. Having a leaf they colored with their name on it makes their day!
Some days I'm like that, only my version is different. I get excited over a texture, the feel of rock or glass under my fingertips. The way sound travels around a room. or brings emotion from deep within me. Are they not the same simple things? A child enjoys simple things, and I think we need to remember to enjoy the simple things.
I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine, a fabulous eccentric friend. A young woman who plays pretend with her sister, dresses up, and wears crazy hats. She gets excited over pictures in books, and collects animals. Dragons steal her heart, and grand adventures must be had at every opportunity. She is a growing woman of God, she thinks deeply and is careful about peoples feelings. She has fears and hurts and she uses her God given talents to create and enjoy life. She loves the simple and the deep, the grand and the ordinary.
This friend has helped pull me away from darkness, and has taught me again the joy that rests just below the surface of everyday life. I had hidden, and the loss that joy in the effort to protect it in a time of great pain. The apathy that came afterwards only pushed that joy farther away. Now, I feel it coming back, slowly I am finding myself again. As my friend pulls out my child-like nature, and God heals and strengthens my soul, I find myself becoming whole again.
We sometimes forget that God didn't call us to worry, and stress, and always work hard. He wanted us to play and create, to enjoy life to the fullest. Sometimes that requires a lot of hard work. It also requires rest, and relaxing. The body and mind can only work so hard and for so long, you can push beyond that limit, but it will create frustration, and your abilities will be limited. It will also hurt the image of Christ within you.
If you snap at work, and growl and grumble through life. People will look at you and say, is that what it'll be like for me? If I want to complain and snap I can do that on my own. Another friend of mine wrote about taking car of her body, and how our bodies our temples for God. If people look at us, and we reflect Christ in spite of our circumstances, and we express love towards people, they will be drawn to us. This is only true if we are real, if the Christ we reflect is truly Him and not our own ideas and concepts of him.
Onward in life I go.

When reality strikes

Sometimes the reality of our choices and actions don't hit us until later in life. For some it can be years later, or five minutes. It comes crashing back and when it comes any feelings and emotions you haven't dealt with yet.
I was speaking with a friend recently and she asked a question, in that moment my old holier-then-thou-well-learned-heavy-handed-christian side took over. Not two seconds later, the reality of my past and the sin I have yet to deal with roared up like a beast. God stopped me in my tracks, forcing me to face my own depravity.
My reaction was like this picture of the cat, I tried to make myself bigger, I hissed and spat at my own image. I was disgusted by what I was about to say, while it was truth it was not from a heart of love. It was not in an attempt to uplift, protect, or guide. It was a chance to make myself sound better then I was. The back peddling out of the conversation was painful and embarrassing.
I'm disgusted with my sin and my past, but Christ has covered it by his blood. I was forgiven once and for all. Someone told me once, "We do fight for victory, but from it." In other words, We have won! We already crossed the finish line, the battle is over, and we didn't do anything, but choose to accept it. Christ came into my life and changed my heart and placed His Spirit within me when I was six years old, He came in, He changed me, and He placed His Spirit. I didn't do any of it, all I did was accept His offer. This is the reality of my life, and I fail every day, and every day I have to come back to Christ.
So, here I am, disgusting and broken, being accepted and cleaned by Christ.
This is me.

Why the struggle?

Have you ever felt ice grip your soul?
All the air rushes from you and you're left spirtually gasping. You struggle to believe, to trust in Him, because something so against what you can accept has happened. You try to rationalize it, to justify it, and even deny it. The cold grip leaves your heart as a voice whispers in your mind, a fire boils up and you scream to the heavens. Your soul tears as you release your primal opinion of the injustice and crulty of the world.
As the fire cools, it hardens your soul and you turn your heart against your creator. He created and controls the world, thus He allows such pain and suffering. You begin to struggle, because His preasence is inside you. It's whispering, calling out to you, calling you to trust. You have to choose now, to allow His healing and trust in Him or continue to listen to the lies of the enemy.
You choose Him, your heart knows no where else is safe. A new fire flares in your heart, the rust and rubble burns away, but the fire doesn't stop. It burns down to the core of your soul, seeking every impurity, every dark patch. It is a refining fire, painful and wonderful as it changes something useless and ugly into something incredibly beautiful and perfect.
This struggle will repeat itself over and over until the end of time. Where is our faith? in ourselves...or God. I'm asking myself today.

Thirsty

I live in a place and time where I have never felt true hunger or thirst. I have never reached the point where I felt as though death were at my side, the sythe at my neck, awaiting for my soul. The shadows of black wings have not brushed my head as they passed over. I won't hope that never happens, because it would be foolish to run into the arms of death on a whim.
So then why do I starve myself of His daily offerings, why do I not partake of His offering of water. My soul hungers and thirsts, and I shake my fist at Him asking why he does not sustatain me. I thrash around in agony, asking why he does not heal. I throw my head against the mountain, asking why it does not move. I sit and scream, asking why he has abandoned me.
When my heart is still and I have nothing else to ask, He speaks to me. I held out my hands with bread and water, but you refused me. I waited for you to come for healing, but you only demanded I come to you. I lit a lanterns to show you the mountain path, but you only looked at the ground. I displayed all my wonder, and you turned around. I provide, I clothe, I feed, I heal, and I love. Only for my glory, not for your selfishness or comfort.
Who am I to demand of God? Who am I to deny myself of what He has freely offered?

So many changes...

Life has this way of catching us completely off guard. We're going through it fine and dandy and then SURPRISE! We're in shock, our head is buzzing, the room is spinning, and we kind of collapse unsure of what to think or feel. When this happens to me, my temper boils and I can lash out on undeserving people. My brother has carried the brunt of these moments throughout our lifetimes, he has that stroke of bad timing where he does or says the one action/statement that sets me off. I eventually apologize, and all is made well. I've been thinking about this though, what causes us to lash out, to strike the undeserving with the full force of our wrath. It centers in our relationship with Christ.

I had a temper as a kid, ask my mother, and I would say and do anything to vent the frustration, anger, or hurt that was inside me. Mom taught me early on to never take out my anger on any living beings, be it human or animal. so I punched concert, or attacked trees. I even would make swords and other weapons to combat the evil infesting my backyard. Now, I still have a temper twenty odd years later.

I can't go out and punch walls or destroy trees. I can't display the raw and savage nature of my heart and soul with loincloth and spear fighting the invisible horrors. But I can find out what is out of place in my soul, what sin I allowed to reside in my heart, and/or what action I have failed to complete. I can surrender that to God, and allow him to change either the situation or my heart. I failed on this action yesterday, in fact I didn't even consider it.

I was so caught up in my hurt and frustration, and blinded by the stress that was building on my life that I focused on me instead of Christ. I allowed that horror that plagues all of mankind, the horror that is loss of control, to rise up and consume me. In doing so, I affected not only my own well being, but also the well being of my family and my friends. I so often forget that my actions and feelings affect those around me, in the same way their actions and feelings affect me.

What is this stress building in my life? Well, it stems from three sources: A discipleship class, money, work, moving to an apartment, and the end of a friendship. The class is a very intense personal class, highly focused on me and my walk with Christ. Money has gotten very tight with new insurance and rent. Work is a melting pot of complex situations. Moving into the apartment was going to happen weeks from now, and is instead happening tomorrow. Last and most certainly not least, the friendship between me and one of the best friends I have ever had was ended. On very healthy and good terms, our lives have gone in very different directions and I was holding on to an unhealthy hope. I'm hurt by the loss of such a friend, but if I was going to lose her this was the best way possible.

I think losing her as a friend was what really caused my frustration and anger, despite it ending well, on good terms, and promising to share what God does in our lives at the throne. It's still the loss of someone, it's still a ripping and tearing of someone I love from my life. But instead of focusing on the good, inwardly I focused on the loss, and if I allow that to continue it will become bitterness and anger. This is the day to day, moment by moment action and thoughts I need to learn.

This new habit is something I have to allow God to do in me, because I can't do it. My dad told me over and over again, never say you can't do something because you might find out you can. I can't change who I am, God can though and He longs to turn me into a fountain that overflows with His love and reflects who He is to everyone around me. To bring hope to the lost, and encouragement to the family. One day at a time, I'm a trickle of water right now, I can't become a geyser overnight.

So I continue on, ever on and on.

Back To Back

I had a thought while in class the other night. We watched a clip from Soul Surfer, in the clip a girl convinces a boy to get back in the water after a bad storm. She stood on the edge and beckoned to the child, step by step showing him it was safe to come in the water. Soon, everyone was in the water, laughing and playing.
Sometimes, I feel like God does the same thing. That he stands  at the next step in our journey, calling out to us, showing us it is safe.
But he isn't confined to that one place, he is able to be all places at once. Thinking of that reminds me of two of my fondest memories, memories I hold dear to the way a child remembers their favorite toy growing up, or the dog they grew up with. They explain my view of God being in all places quite well in my own mind. These are tales of two of my best friends, Kevin Fuller and Carrie Ann Wible.
The first is actually about how I met Kevin. We were both attending the same camp, and the crazy guy got so excited about camp and everything that was going on that he got dehydrated. I was in his cabin, so we sat together at the campfires. He asked if he could lean on me and I said sure... Was I unprepared. I had never had someone actually use me for support before, they always make it look easy in the movies. Kevin was my size, and heavier in muscle mass. But, I'm loyal and understanding of how drained he was, walking back to the cabin with Kevin leaning on me was one of the coolest experiences of my life. I walked beside him, the only thing between him and basically crawling. God does that, he stands beside us, one on each side. He's cool like that, he helps us over things, guides us through safer paths, and holds our weight when we can't hold our own.
Now the story about Carrie Ann happens at the same camp, almost 5 years later. She and I were dating at the time, and both working at the camp. We had just had a disagreement, and had both needed to cool down. We made up, and ended up going and sitting at the lakeside. Now, working at a Christian camp of course we couldn't cuddle up and stare off into the sunset. But, we did sit back to back. I love doing that, with anyone. There's something special about it, you're trusting that person to watch your back, for support so you don't fall over, and there's a chance foe intimacy that isn't a regular thing between people. We talked, shared our days, laughed, and enjoyed being together and looking at the lake. God has our back, he's there watching out for the things we can't see coming, and we can talk with him intimately and personally.
So, God beckons us to new adventures and closer walks with him, he stands by each of our sides to guide us along the path and to carry us when we're weak, and he stands at our back defending us from the past and from the things we can't see. He's there for us.
Right now, I'm not madly in love with God. Now, before you stone me :)
This is a realization I need, because relationships take time... And I'd rather be honest and say I like God and I looking to pursue a relationship with him, then lie and say I love him when I don't yet. I want to though... Deep down my soul churns and longs for that time when I know him, and trust him fully, and love him regardless of the day. One day at a time.

What Do You See?

We go about our lives seeking fulfilment, our hearts longing to be seen, known, and understood. Some are trapped behind the image of another, others too caught up in the past to see the future, and rejection falls like an anvil on the hearts of many. There's a heartbeat to the world... pain and loss, misunderstanding, grief, fear, anger, pride, but also love, hope, passion, truth, acceptance.

I sometimes stop... and marvel at it's sound. The crescendo of the epic ballad that is our world, it's existence, our very essence! And then, I remember... No one cares. Their life is focused on themselves...even their love is a ploy to give themselves points, to make themselves feel as though they have done something good. I don't sit still very often in public...it makes me sad. To hear the broken songs, to watch hearts break, love die, and hope fade.

I've been told I'm childish, and immature... They couldn't see how I view the world, how the smallest things can be just as important as the ones that block the sun. The world has ripped away my joy of the building blocks...the daily things...the everyday moments that pass unnoticed. The feel of textures...the variance in sounds...the subtleties of facial expressions... the sheer volume of body language...the way a hug can resonate within the soul, and a slap can shatter it.

Loneliness... it is misunderstood. Someone says they're lonely and we jump them. "don't forget, God is with you!", "You're never alone!." I've done it, but I realize something from my own loneliness. If someone expresses it, if it's in their voice, the way they act. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO BE WITH THEM! Yeah, it might cost you some sleep, you might be drained and tired, your life might get out of whack. But if you really care about someone... Don't show it by throwing words... Not when they're asking for time, companionship, understanding, simply knowing that they are wanted, just...being there.
Do you see them? The misfits...the invisible ones...the hurting... They aren't all hiding in crowds, or staying at home. They're throwing parties, being popular, loud and crazy, they're known around the world, they have everything they could want. They also have nothing, they stand in corners and slip through crowds, they avoid and hide. They each are DYING! Their lives are being drained away by the world...and we speak words, words we sometimes don't even believe ourselves, words we would never dare admit we haven't experienced for ourselves. Because misfits teach, and preach. The lead missions, and prayer. They lay on hands, and speak prophecy. They partake of the supper, and sing with arms raised high. Misfits and hurting people are all around... Real People teach them to exist, Real Love gives them Real Hope. Are you truly Willing to give of yourself...or just when it's convient for you or your pocket book.

Disgust rages inside me at the world...but more at myself... for this is me...I have been this... A convient Child of God, a rich-and-guilty Child, a Look-How-Holy-I-Am Child.

I'm not better...I'm just a Child, and I still have so much to learn.

Rage and Fear

Sometimes we are overcome by emotion, anger leads us to action, horror leaves lasting scars, and desire leads to excessive care and attention. No emotion can exist without causing a reaction, and more often then not those reactions are outward. The effects can be quiet, like a person avoiding friends or family in sadness or hurt. They can be loud, such as angry outburst and destruction of people or property.

The one we don't notice or don't see is what we can justify as not reacting, which is the reaction of suppression or hiding emotion. This I am very familiar with, I suppress my emotions all the time. Like right now, I'm very afraid, but I'm hiding my fear behind keeping myself busy. The current thing I am afraid of is myself, I'm scared to dig in and find out who I am. The fear is so bad that I'm shaking... and cannot think clearly.

Take that fear, and throw a moment of rage on top of it. You now have two conflicting emotions fighting for the same spot, begging for a reaction. My rage was focused on abortion, the radio wasn't even saying someone was having one, but hearing it trigger the type of rage that I would not want people to see. The reaction was violent, and then suppressed. Why? Cause I have no desire to allow violence to dictate my actions, and because my fear watered down my rage but not before my heart was caught in a whirlwind of emotion.

I was left shut down and gasping, my heart aching in loss of ones that never had a voice. Sadness fills the moment....sadness I can't express. Maybe a day will come, when how I feel and who I am will be one and the same.

The picture is from this website.

Friends

Among the wild maelstrom that is my mind at the moment one idea is full and complete enough for me to as Dumbledore would use the Pensive to clear his mind of excess thoughts.
I realized tonight...and over the past few weeks, that I'm really rather horrible at showing people how much I care about them.
The more I care and the closer I feel that I get to people the more...awkward and idiotic I become around them. I question things I say, worry about things I do. It gets so bad that I end up shutting down, and seeming detached and distant because... I simply can't express myself. People that I love, and I don't say that lightly, really can't know how I really feel. I can't find ways to express it in ways that are not awkward...or just strange. I feel deeply and passionately about my friends...and deep and passionate things about people other then your mate are awkward.
I read old books, and the way they talk about their friends and the companionship expressed between people is so...deep and different, and the way I would love to express myself... "born in the wrong time" as some people like to say. But I was born here, and now, and God has a plan.
I don't know why I am this way, but I trust God has a plan for it, and that I will learn ways to express myself or get over my fear of showing it.
Onward I go...

Who am I...really?

The idea of who I am and how I truly act and how I am has started running around in my mind lately. Last night I had a very deeply hidden hurt flair up from what felt like no where. My first thought was that I was going crazy and feeling things that didn't exist, but I knew it was me. The hurt and passion in my mind couldn't belong to anyone else, and I knew that the hurt I felt came from so deep that I didn't recognize it.
I was talking to a friend and mentioned something I had done, which was kind of avoid another person. The reason was because they had said I was very important to them and to God, and in my heart I said that if someone is going to say that they better be damn well ready to prove it. In the past and over my life I've had too many people say how important I was but they never took the time to get to know me, never showed interest and so I took that mindset of rejection and turned it around. I became the guy that goes to friends houses at midnight, and will do anything for someone I feel led to take care of. Sacrificing myself, my personality, my hurts and fears, for the sake of others! How nobel, how caring, how foolish. I blew myself up for the sake of myself, defended my heart by defending others, and faked my happiness and passion.
Passion... A word often misunderstood I feel, because it has so many meanings. To feel or be moved or compelled by strong emotion is the way I normally think of it. Because I am passionate, and my emotions are slow to move but they are a roaring fire once started. And I'm speaking about my true emotions, the ones buried beneath all my crap and history.
This buried hurt is just the beginning of a pile that... I honestly don't want to go through, but if I don't I know I will forever be limited in my walk and growth for Christ.

Who is God... To me.

I may have posted this once before, but... I can't remember and I'm feeling lazy, besides if I've learned something new since I last "spoke" about it, then it does not matter anyway.

I had a moment last year where I was feeling an urge to help myself understand God better, now I have a serious problem with the whole "God is like this...to me." I feel when we limit our view of Him, and we limit our own potential. But I was really struggling with how...impersonal and distant God felt from me, which is a limitation of my own mindset. As you can probably tell, I'm trying very hard to make myself clearly understood. People have a habit of not actually listening to what I'm saying and jumping down my throat on the first thing that "goes against the grain", or "isn't quite right."

The nice thing about a blog, I can say what I want, how I want, and there's no one but my other thoughts to cut me off. :)

Anyway, So I was feeling that God was very impersonal, like high-end CEO, I know his name...I see what he's done and what he is doing, but I have never actually made friends with him. So, I started seeking ways that could make God more personal to me. One of the first things that came to mind was Names, or the names of God. Names are so powerful, more powerful then I think people really understand. My name, Michael, means "Who Is Like God?" and after growing in my faith and really pondering my own name, I view it as a challenge. Kind of like, "You! Who can you say is like God? Prove it, prove to me that someone can be like God, and I'll prove to you that one no can." Gloves off. Sword drawn. Line in the sand. WHO IS LIKE GOD!?

My middle name is James, and I struggled with this for a while, because by definition, the name is not a "good" name. By my mom really pounded this home when she said, "I don't care what any definition says, you were named after your father who is a strong, loving, caring, sacrificial man." I've never forgotten that, and I never will.

And Hudson.... means son of Hud. I don't know who Hud is... :)

Rabbit trail.....

And back. But I really started searching for the name for God that really...hit home. The name that defined who he had been in my life. It took some searching, but I found this

Jehovah Mekeddeshem, The Lord Who is Sanctifying You. My entire life is around God cleansing me, and making me holy and pleasing to him... and it is a full time job.

The funny thing is, I forget that name. I ran away, threw away that name and went my own way. After being back for a while, something triggered that name in my mind and I rediscovered how amazing and powerful it is. But I still struggle with making him mine...and understanding that I am his.
So I continue, one day at a time.

One Thing

Sometimes we don't need God to teach us ten or even fifteen things, just to walk away from meeting with him with ONE thing. That one thing you can then focus your attention on, or in my multiple-level way of thinking bring it along side my focus on the things around me. So as I go about my day or week, maybe even...a month. I think on that one thing. No, I don't. I get distracted, other things come up, and that thought gets shoved far back in my mind.

This is my goal, to have one thing that God wants me to focus on that must change about myself. At a class last night I read something that made my head spin for a second, and I threw the thought in the "Melting Pot" second. The part of my mind that just rolls things over and over, breaking them down until they're better understood. But the quote was talking about how God separates us from sin, and my first reaction was...huh? I've grown up hearing all my life about sin separating me from God, how my sin creates a wall between God and me and how Jesus removed that wall to bring me to himself.
I never considered that God might...defend me, or build a wall to separate me from sin. Sin was something I've viewed as consistent, always, but I can't view it that way anymore. It will fade away, Christ will remain. Have I partaken in the gift of defense from sin? Not yet, for already the day begins in darkness. It will not remain such, for my Lord is light and he will not allow darkness to rein in me.

So, as I go about this day, my intention will be to allow Christ to stand between me and sin, as a father will stand between his child, or a friend to protect a friend, a husband between his wife and the world, this is how my Lord stands between me and the evil I can choose to partake in.

A Concept of Possibility

People play with possibility, saying "If I do this, then this will happen." Maybe they do not say it out loud, or even realize that it passed through their minds, but at some point someone has thought of what would happen in a given situation based on their actions. I am not innocent of this, I would even lay some claim of being a chief of this action. This though of "What if I..." has been apart of my life as long as I can remember, to the point of panic and sickness of both spirit and mind.

This way of thinking is good for chess or starting/running a successful franchise, corporation, or business. As a life style though, it leads to paranoia and fear. You feel a sense of total loss of control, and the thought that sneezing in public might scare the person next to you causing them to bump into someone else and that person having lost their balance falls off the bridge onto the highway below cashing through the windshield of a CEO of a very important corporation killing him instantly which causing the car to logically lose control and crash starting a chain reaction of wrecks which become a massive fifty car pile-up making a specific scientist late who was going to cure cancer but because he wasn't there the cure mutated and killed the world.

Now, reading that it makes sense right up to the of the fifty car pile up and then it starts getting ridicules. You, who are reading this, are probably thinking, no one really thinks like that and he just made it up, it's crazy. Well, the reason you've never heard of someone thinking that way is because in their minds they said "If I tell them how I think, they'll think I'm crazy, and they will either reject and mock me or lock me away." That way of thinking that I wrote out is a little extreme I will admit, but closer to home for me is the thought of relationships, friends and family.

The world isn't going to die because I said the wrong word to a friend at the wrong time. The peace between two countries isn't going to end because I lost my temper while I felt scared and cornered. I might hurt a friend though, and that might drive them so far away that I've lost them forever. The way of thinking "If I do this, then they'll do that" like I said before works well in chess. Because there are only two factors that determine the game, the moves you make and the ones your opponent makes. Life and relationships for those of us that think in this way can easily be viewed as a chess game, because it's only between you and that person. But that is a trap, and it starts a domino effect.

This in my mind is what I consider a Concept of Possibility. The idea or thought that any action I take in any circumstance will merit a reaction or cause an effect on something or someone else. Chess is a simple game of moving my pieces to block your pieces til you can no longer move. The game becomes complicated when you add in the factors of: 1. How long has the person been playing chess? 2. How creative are they? 3. How many moves can they keep in their head at one time? 4. are they smarter then me? 5. has someone taught them something I don't know? 6. is the fact that I haven't eaten going to effect my ability to perform? 7. was staying up all night researching strategies going to be helpful or will the lack of sleep hinder my judgement? This list can go on and on.

Take a simple idea, then start adding to it. Next thing you know you've built an entire web of possibility, and before you can even act on the idea you've built the web has become a thing of it's own, and it tangles you up and fear and doubt and the possibility of loss, rejection, and mockery paralyzes and turns you to mush and then it drains you like a spider with it's prey. You're left with nothing but "what if's" and regret.

Now, how does chess relate to relationships and life? Go back, read numbers 1-7 and replace them with any question. "is he going to think I'm ugly?", "can they every forgive me for what I did?", "am I going to sound foolish?", "will they give me the time of day?", on and on. The Concept of Possibility is a trap of Satan, he built and designed it so that we would be more worried about ourselves and how our life will be, then how God wants to reach and effect people. That web of God's that you're so scared of getting caught up in because of what people will think, well it's not a web, it's a safety net to save us from the burning building or the eternal fall. The game of Chess that Satan has you playing, the mind games that he throws at you to trip you up, well you don't have to play. You're free to get up and walk away from his game, in fact you should cause he wrote the rules and when playing games with the devil you always lose.

God has called us to love him, and IF we love him we will love the things he loves, and we will want to do the right thing, and we will follow him and he will guide us through every awkward conversation, scary interview, and dangerous situation. We won't have to worry about "what if", we'll only have to act on "What is the next adventure of sharing and knowing Christ more?"

What could possibly be wrong with that idea? :)

Fighting Blind

It's one thing to go into a fight when you know who your enemy is... It's another when you are blind, turned around, and confused. You have a choice then, to not fight or to lash out.

When you don't fight, you run the risk of being hurt in full. The chance of being defeated without a voice, throwing yourself to the mercy of those around you. Terrifying is the thought, and horror is the emotion. But if you don't fight... You could protect someone you love.

If you chose to fight. You attack without thought to who or what you are inflicting damage. Selfishly defending your crippled state... And in the moment when you've wounded one who is close to you... Clarity returns and the horror of what you have done drives you to madness.

You flee and your blindness drops like a veil over your eyes again. You believe you have destroyed them, you believe their friendship lost to you. Their love cast aside in the moment of injury.

Stopped in your blind run by a solid wall, you beat your head against it. Self inflicting punishment upon the guilty. Truth and lies roar in the emotional upheaval that has began to spiral into a tornado of destruction. Then in the dark a voice of faith and reason appears.

Explaining your situation, you seal your doom and wait foe the voice to agree. They take what you said, and placing it aside, explain that what was done is done. They show the lessons that could be learned, the blessings of true friendship and forgiveness, and challenges for the future. And hope... Offering hope to the blind. There can be no greater gift, then hope. A Christ gave us hope at a life fulfilled, and a hope of salvation, a hope for forgiveness, a hope for his call, and the glorious return to a world renewed.

So then you wait, and you pray. The blind sitting in darkness, but not in fear and not alone. Hope restored and joy renewed we strive forth for reconciliation and a restored trust in the hope of things that mean more then mistakes, the value of friendship and the love that Christ has given us that has allowed broken things to be repaired and a glorious reuniting that cannot truly happen outside of Christ and his family.

So I hold to and trust in this hope, and continue about the day in the light of Christ. Hoping that this dusty lantern will shine clear enough, as it is in the process of refinement, that one day that it will shine forth, but not for it's own glory. For the glory of the light it emits, and for the sake of revealing truth, giving comfort, and pointing the way for those who wish to follow Him who is the light of the world.

For there are those who play at God, those who pretend to be Gods, and then those who claim to be from God. To what end could man or women attempt to claim such things; power, money, maybe perversion? Those who play at God and those who claim to be gods,there is nothing for them. But for those who claim to be from God, watch and listen closely, for true followers will be humble, generous, sacrificial, and true.
Do not fall prey to those false and deceptive.

Eyes

Eyes have a way of piercing the soul. They're like daggers, stabbing in and digging around searching for something...anything. Some look for faults, cracks, blemishes. Some look for strength, security, dedication. Some look externally, never caring about what lies beneath. Others ignore the outer, caring only for the true being. A very few seek for nothing, for they have already found everything. They have no need to judge, expect, or decipher. They have seen their own faults, and found strength. The outside is without meaning to them, and they love the true self.

I was talking to my friend last night, and the subject of eyes came up. I informed her that she's truly one of the few people I can look in the eye and carry on a conversation. The reason for that is because I can see in her eyes, the peace, love, strength, and security that comes with a heart truly devoted to Christ. She isn't perfect, but she truly cares for the sake of caring, she loves for the sake of Christ, and judgement is never an option.

My first thought is that I'm jealous, I long to be that way, then I decide to cast off jealousy. Instead of jealousy, I want inspiration. Drive. Challenge. Encouragement. Too often I feel that we, The Church, are so quick to become jealous of the Pastors, for they are anointed, The Elders, for they guide and direct, the Deacons, for they serve. We grow jealous of the Worship Leaders, because they can publicly stand before others and their talent is on display. Missionaries, for they go out in the world with a clear goal.

I'm not sure if this is true for many people, but I know it is for me. I also sense in my soul that the feeling is not mine alone. So, I pray for my brothers and sisters, that they will draw encouragement, that they will feel a calling, and that the pressure they feel will not be a cause for surrender, but a challenge to be beaten. They are the sons and daughters of God, when their brother has a gift or their sister is blessed, they are blessed as well. They have not been forgotten or neglected, they will in turn bless others if they allow themselves to be blessed.

I hope someone finds encouragement from this, or at the very least a different way of looking at their Church and those that are gifted within it.

God be Praised

Inheritance

Journey recently did a series called "Once Upon a Time". Going through some of the parables that Jesus told, and the most famous one being of the parable of the Prodigal Son. All my life I've been the other brother, the one who stayed and worked hard, this year I became the prodigal, I went up to God and told him I was tired of waiting for him to give me what I desired and I wanted it now. I did it out of spite, hurt, bitterness, and hate. I allowed my own desires to cloud my vision, and when a moment of testing came and it seemed like everything was taken away I didn't trust in His plan. I raised my fist in anger and turned my back.

He watched me go, and allowed me to have those desires of my heart. Deeply buried and black was my heart, my bitterness had destroyed me, and began affecting those closest to me. My best friend turned his back and rejected me, I drew away from friends and family and to someone who was posioning me just as I was posioning her. I became intwined in the dance of the drowning, two people dragging each other under just trying to stay afloat. Chain were choking me and stealing joy and life...existance. When the dance ended, and the chains were shattered. I felt great relief...but profound loss. The reason for my existance had been removed, I was adrift. My home no longer felt like home I had been gone so long, my friends were far away. I was lost.

Points of light began to appear in the dark. My best friend came back, on his own accord. Knowing that my darkest day had yet to come. My friends came back closer then ever, ready to stand with me. Life took on a new vision, but it was still dark. My heart still black, my mind full of anger and rage. I was drowning again. But... He didn't let me. My best friend and I talked and God used his words to stir my heart. I felt life returning, and the overbearing weight of my heart was lifted.

Then... I gave up. I stopped running away and I turned around and ran home. I fully expected to be placed in shame, fully condemed and have to work my way up in life again. Instead, I was given forgiveness and release and was taught that I was welcome back, and my past was only a factor of what I now knew and a source to learn wisdom. I was given the red robe that covered my sin, and the ring that named me as son... I'm unworthy and so grateful.