Struggles of the Mind

Some people get songs stuck in their heads, I get ideas. I believe God has given me images in my mind, things to make me seek and struggle. He does that, when we ask Him to give us reason to seek Him. When I asked that, I was expecting, as horrible as it sounds, a death, but no one died. Nothing traumatic happened, life continued on. A desire to read the Bible filled me, only a little, and with reading the Bible came the attacks. I got frustrated at work, I was far more sensitive to everything. I was hurting and angry, my heart began to break over my sins, I have become lost. I have nowhere to run but God, I could seek people...but what could they do? They are human, and this is a matter of spirit. The Holy Spirit of God is within me, I slow down, I seek, and this comes to me. A sword being sharpened, a yo-yo, and hands being washed.

The sword came into my mind months ago, I talked to someone about it and we decided it was the Sword of my spirit, my knowledge of God that needed to be refined. Over the last month...I haven't refined it enough, but at the same time the idea didn't sit well with me. The image focused in on the sword, and the sharpening iron. Last night, at a random moment, the answer came to me. Iron sharpening Iron, a call to brotherhood. I had begun seeking guys to be my friends, Godly men that I could talk to and share life with. I've begun to find a few, and there is a great chance of growth with them.

The Yo-yo is bothering me... Am I the yo-yo, is it my hand, is it God's hand, or the hand of the world, is the world the yo-yo? It's all twisted up inside me and I can't figure it out, meanwhile the infuriating image of the yo-yo is just going up and down, up and down, consistently, and never ending. I know an answer will come, be it through revealation or interruption, but I want to know now. Irritating being impatient, most irritating. Oh well, better to move on and think on something I have the answer to already.

Washing of hands, a symbol of being rid of something, or of cleansing. I was getting ready to wash dishes today, and I had a overwhelming desire to wash my hands, to scrub and scrub, they were filthy in my mind. As I scrubbed, the thought came into my mind, "it doesn't work that way." I rinsed off my hands, and began to wash my bowl. I washed the inside first, cleaning out the food and scraping away crust and build-up, then I cleaned the outside. Another thought, "why do you clean it that way?" "It's how you clean bowls, it makes sense. Clean out the inside first, because the inside is what...matters..." I nearly dropped the bowl at this point. In my stunned silence, I felt more than anything else, "Will I not do the same for you? I have started to scrub you, and it hurts, the water is hot, the crust painful and thick, but when you're clean I can use you."
I'm still in mild shock about it, it's still fresh and flashing through my mind. So, I want to submit to the washing, I will endure the hot water, and the scratching brush, for it is for my good. I want to be useful, I want more in this life. The title of my blog! A Journey for More than Existence. I want to do more than just exist, I want to LIVE! Not jumping off buildings, or out of planes, riding in fast cars, and trying every food. I don't want to know the high life of wealth or experience the sex of a thousand lovers. I want to live, without regret, without guilt, or shame, freed from the entanglements of this world. I want Christ, to live as He did, sacrifically and complete.

I can't do it... God...Father, carry me, bring me through to this, my desire, never cease this work in me. You are mighty and worthy of praise. Thank you for this revealation, thank you for this desire, and the work you've already done.