Return of Affection...

So, I'm an affectionate person. hugs, highfives, bumping into, and just messing around are normal things I do to express affection for people. Not an uncommon thing, I know.

However, for some people, myself since that's my main source of info in this area... when we struggle with stress, change, hurt, anger, sin, addiction, we tend to withdraw from being affectionate. Especially while single. If this season goes on to long we begin to "forget" that we're affectionate people, and affection, especially physical, becomes awkward. Family and especially close friends aren't affected as much, but mostly new friends or friends whom you've had/having difficulties with.

That's been my life for the past year or so, but then the healing processes start and if said person is highly self aware that person will suddenly realize they have a vast craving for affection both to give and receive and their first thought is "People are going to think I've gone crazy". But thats ok, being yourself is a good thing and even if people think you're crazy it'll pass as they realize it's just you!

On my personal side of this season the effect of the "dark time" involved me not doing things I enjoyed, not wearing my rings/bracelets, finding grey/boring clothing, not watching tv shows/ movies that I really enjoy. While these things are not vital to me for existence, they are me, my personality, who I am. In small ways our style, likes and dislikes, all add up to who we are and how I believe God made us to be. So, denying those things is denying who I am, which drives me deeper into the "dark time".

So coming out of this season triggers a rapid amount of changes, (coming out of this season being last night and today) and a major sense of being disoriented. Like getting glasses when you haven't had them for a long time. But there's this amazing feeling when you know, "I'm being me as I am, who I am, and its good." These are times of celebration, not to be over analyzed and deeply understood, just experienced and enjoyed.

So this is a celebration post of freedom and good feelings :) Yay!

So, if you read this and I'll see you anytime soon be expecting a hug, in fact just walk up and get one! I won't mind!

What Do You See?

We go about our lives seeking fulfilment, our hearts longing to be seen, known, and understood. Some are trapped behind the image of another, others too caught up in the past to see the future, and rejection falls like an anvil on the hearts of many. There's a heartbeat to the world... pain and loss, misunderstanding, grief, fear, anger, pride, but also love, hope, passion, truth, acceptance.

I sometimes stop... and marvel at it's sound. The crescendo of the epic ballad that is our world, it's existence, our very essence! And then, I remember... No one cares. Their life is focused on themselves...even their love is a ploy to give themselves points, to make themselves feel as though they have done something good. I don't sit still very often in public...it makes me sad. To hear the broken songs, to watch hearts break, love die, and hope fade.

I've been told I'm childish, and immature... They couldn't see how I view the world, how the smallest things can be just as important as the ones that block the sun. The world has ripped away my joy of the building blocks...the daily things...the everyday moments that pass unnoticed. The feel of textures...the variance in sounds...the subtleties of facial expressions... the sheer volume of body language...the way a hug can resonate within the soul, and a slap can shatter it.

Loneliness... it is misunderstood. Someone says they're lonely and we jump them. "don't forget, God is with you!", "You're never alone!." I've done it, but I realize something from my own loneliness. If someone expresses it, if it's in their voice, the way they act. GET OFF YOUR ASS AND GO BE WITH THEM! Yeah, it might cost you some sleep, you might be drained and tired, your life might get out of whack. But if you really care about someone... Don't show it by throwing words... Not when they're asking for time, companionship, understanding, simply knowing that they are wanted, just...being there.
Do you see them? The misfits...the invisible ones...the hurting... They aren't all hiding in crowds, or staying at home. They're throwing parties, being popular, loud and crazy, they're known around the world, they have everything they could want. They also have nothing, they stand in corners and slip through crowds, they avoid and hide. They each are DYING! Their lives are being drained away by the world...and we speak words, words we sometimes don't even believe ourselves, words we would never dare admit we haven't experienced for ourselves. Because misfits teach, and preach. The lead missions, and prayer. They lay on hands, and speak prophecy. They partake of the supper, and sing with arms raised high. Misfits and hurting people are all around... Real People teach them to exist, Real Love gives them Real Hope. Are you truly Willing to give of yourself...or just when it's convient for you or your pocket book.

Disgust rages inside me at the world...but more at myself... for this is me...I have been this... A convient Child of God, a rich-and-guilty Child, a Look-How-Holy-I-Am Child.

I'm not better...I'm just a Child, and I still have so much to learn.