I am Trash

I am not a good Christian, or a good person. I avoid God, even though I know in my heart and have seen the works in my life that prove He is looking out for my best, and my best is what glorifies Him the most. My mind and heart are full of violence and hurt, I'm quick to anger and to take offense. I don't speak it aloud, but in my mind and whispered in the ears of others I spew venom and spite. I am not quick to forgive, and am full of bitterness. This is not a bashing on myself, I am not tearing myself down. This is truth; a confession and lament.
I struggle the most with the thoughts about my future, I worry everyday about ten...fifteen years down the road. I worry away hours, I lose sight of what is in front of me, the minutes of my life tick away as I dream about the future and I allow every chance to do what is right pass by. I've left a, in comparison, small trail of destruction in my wake. Of broken hearts and lives, of friendships badly handled or abandoned because I was ashamed, or afraid.
I am not worthy of any praise, or recognition. The people I call friends, I stab them in the back with my words. When I hurt, I pour salt in my wounds and spit poison in the ears of those around them. I gossip, and talk around people. I manipulate and control conversations, gather information and use it against people. I'm judgemental, and quick to join a band wagon. I am tossed around by the ideas and feelings of others.
Let me clarify now, this depiction of me covers my entire life, my time first growing in Christ, to my bat-out-of-hell running away from him. Recently, God has changed me. He touched my heart, over the last six months I have become a different person. Not from reading my bible everyday, or praying every day. But, piece by piece, letting go of myself. I've begun to allow Christ to come in and work, to open the walls in my heart and let Him work without me fighting him.
I haven't perfected it, I already said I don't read enough of His Word, and I'm not going before the throne like I should, but even without that the surrender of my heart has allowed change. He given me grace and has been merciful to allow me to have a heart that is passionate for children, and to be an example and teacher they can look to in the time I'm around them. I've been given a heart that hurts with people, and longs to be along side them.
None of this comes from anyone but Christ, I struggle some days and some days I don't at all. I fight sometimes, and sometimes I just don't care. He still wants me though, as broken and dirty as I am, He wants to clean me up and make me useful. I don't know how, but I know, that I know, that I know, that He called out to me. He rescued a child before the darkness of the world had fully taken me, and He has whispered in my heart for fifteen years.
In fifteen years of me being His and not truly following Him, He has never left me. He's let me go my own way, let me experience and see that the desires of my heart were not pleasing. That they left me empty, and wanting. He stood by, waiting for me to reach the end of my rope, to turn around and say to Him, "Father, Lord... I can't." All He said when I turned around, was "Welcome back, I've been waiting." I was accepted, desired and loved. I don't enjoy the cleansing sometimes, but I see it's value now.

So, here I am, incomplete, dysfunctional, and sinful.
But!
I am forgiven, repairable, and redeemed.

Dance of Love: The Repost

I posted this in March 2009, and the only reason I'm posting it again is because it has been on my mind. The tempo is in my mind...lacking a partner.

A holy dance, a circle of love. One caring for the other, and the other returning the care. A steady and consistent beat; a flow that can be followed, that can be seen and admired. One gives and supports the hurting one, then once the hurting one is healed confirms and encourages the one that supported him. When battle is joined, the two fight as one, protecting and strengthening each other, the tempo increases, the dance becomes deadly, what spirit of evil can stand against it, what demon of hate, greed, lust , or any other tempter can destroy this dance? None can, for they have not the power nor the strength. The circle of love remains unbroken, the dance merely shifts and changes.


When the calm returns, the dance continues.

Both partners will, at times, step away and dance with another to love and support, even fight, for another, but they always return to each other. Sometimes both will draw a third into the dance, and both will encourage and support the third with love and care.

When times are calm, the two continue the dance, a circle of love never broken. For those that have eyes to see, they will notice a third partner in the dance, one who is in all the situations mentioned above, and far more. This one is the one that started the first dance, the dance that has been there forever and will forever continue. The three dance in harmony, never tripping each other, always supporting and moving in time with the others. If one happens to stumble, the other two lift him up, if both stumble then the first dancer of all carries them both until they can dance on their own again.

This circle is the circle of love, it is patient and kind, never ending and the greatest of all dances.

A Infinite Dimensional God

There are few things as interesting as a heartbeat, and I wonder how many people think about it on a daily basis. I know I don't, I generally just go through every day with my head buzzing like a beehive. I know I felt my heart beating on Sunday morning though. Jimmy was speaking on the sovereignty of God, basically that we can't question our creator because we don't know what he knows and we don't have His authority. Sounds... harsh...cold...but if you dig deeper and think more about it, it becomes a comfort.
On Sunday, I wasn't questioning God's actions in my own life, but I was questioning what he was doing in the lives of others. This isn't my place...but I am human, and I'm still learning to accept and trust. I felt the hurt that was beating in their hearts, the confusion and the pain, as well as that thread of life tied into their souls that spoke of God's work, and His power in their lives. I questioned his actions though...cause I wondered if they could bear what had been placed on their shoulders. Then I realized... I had made a big mistake.
I have a habit of seeing God in one dimension. What do I mean... I mean, I see God as love, or wrath. I see Him passing judgement or offering forgiveness. Sometimes I see him in 2D, 3D, and sometimes even 4D. When I'm looking at God as only a love, which He is, and He allows painful things to happen to people, suddenly my view of God gets tested. I can choose to allow my knowledge of God, as a good father to his children, to shift my view from 1D to 2D, Now I'm viewing him as a Loving Father, which means then that whatever is happening in their lives is for their good or for God's glory.
Now, at this point my view of God could be tested again, I hear about hundreds of people dying and I know that not all of them could have been Christ followers, God is in my mind a Loving Father. This a point I can shake my fist at Him and say "Why don't you save everyone?" or I can remember that God is also Just. So God is now 3D, he is a Loving and Just Father. If my offend my biological father, as a child he could punish me, if I confessed and apologized before he acted on my punishment he could choose to forgive me and give me pardon, or to forgive me and still punish me. Is not God the same, but He has all wisdom, knows all things, and is perfect, and is now 6D! That's insane!
The list goes on, the more we understand God, the more there is to know. The more we accept the different attributes, or dimensions, God the better we can understand His workings. And the less time we can spend questioning Him, the better and more effectively we can worship and serve Him. So, knowing God and his promises I can safely trust that he has a plan. also,
1 Corinthians 10:13
New International Version (NIV)
"13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it."
Now, I wasn't being tempted...was I? Yes, I was being tempted to not trust God, but I was given a way out by my knowledge of Him and His character. And my friend was just having a hard time, not being tempted... No, they were being tempted to try and handle things on their own, and not trust God to have control. We both were tempted and both given a way out. We who have trusted in Christ, have been promised that God will give us the strength to stand against temptation, and an escape when we are not strong enough. I still need to work on this as I continue to grow. Like a heartbeat, sometimes we forget God is there...but he is always giving us life. :)

Dark and gloomy

The clouds are dark this morn'

They herald of storms, and the coming rain

For some this is the coffin nail, the final blow

Wishing for sun and warmth to take the fear away

It eludes them, teasing and mocking them

Beams and rays break through, giving hope for but a moment

My heart soars and begins to sing

Something majestic is in the storm

A ringing call that strikes the heart of man

It calls out saying "Know me! I am here."

Desperation of neglect does not fill the voice

But the steadfast authority of one who deserves it

How can we ignore? How could we not see this glorious display?

Reality and Fantasy

For a creative mind the line between reality and fantasy is very clear, unlike how many people perceive it I think. To the outside sometimes the creative blurs the lines of reality and fantasy. The child fighting monsters in the back yard knows they aren't real, he's simply expressing the fantasy being played out in his mind. The girls drinking tea know it's only water, and their dolls can't really drink it. The problem apparently is when the childish fantasy continues on into adult life, and adults forget what it was like to be a kid, or dismiss it because they were raised to dismiss it. Or they were teased or attacked. Shot down. Hurt.
I'm child-like at times, and sometimes I'm childish. There's a big difference in my mind. When I think of Childish, I think immaturity. When I think Child-like, I think amazement at life. Now, I'd rather not get into immaturity, so I'll focus on amazement. I watched a child last night play peek-a-boo with a total stranger, the smile on her face lit up the room. The kids I work with get excited over paper and markers. Having a leaf they colored with their name on it makes their day!
Some days I'm like that, only my version is different. I get excited over a texture, the feel of rock or glass under my fingertips. The way sound travels around a room. or brings emotion from deep within me. Are they not the same simple things? A child enjoys simple things, and I think we need to remember to enjoy the simple things.
I recently reconnected with an old friend of mine, a fabulous eccentric friend. A young woman who plays pretend with her sister, dresses up, and wears crazy hats. She gets excited over pictures in books, and collects animals. Dragons steal her heart, and grand adventures must be had at every opportunity. She is a growing woman of God, she thinks deeply and is careful about peoples feelings. She has fears and hurts and she uses her God given talents to create and enjoy life. She loves the simple and the deep, the grand and the ordinary.
This friend has helped pull me away from darkness, and has taught me again the joy that rests just below the surface of everyday life. I had hidden, and the loss that joy in the effort to protect it in a time of great pain. The apathy that came afterwards only pushed that joy farther away. Now, I feel it coming back, slowly I am finding myself again. As my friend pulls out my child-like nature, and God heals and strengthens my soul, I find myself becoming whole again.
We sometimes forget that God didn't call us to worry, and stress, and always work hard. He wanted us to play and create, to enjoy life to the fullest. Sometimes that requires a lot of hard work. It also requires rest, and relaxing. The body and mind can only work so hard and for so long, you can push beyond that limit, but it will create frustration, and your abilities will be limited. It will also hurt the image of Christ within you.
If you snap at work, and growl and grumble through life. People will look at you and say, is that what it'll be like for me? If I want to complain and snap I can do that on my own. Another friend of mine wrote about taking car of her body, and how our bodies our temples for God. If people look at us, and we reflect Christ in spite of our circumstances, and we express love towards people, they will be drawn to us. This is only true if we are real, if the Christ we reflect is truly Him and not our own ideas and concepts of him.
Onward in life I go.

When reality strikes

Sometimes the reality of our choices and actions don't hit us until later in life. For some it can be years later, or five minutes. It comes crashing back and when it comes any feelings and emotions you haven't dealt with yet.
I was speaking with a friend recently and she asked a question, in that moment my old holier-then-thou-well-learned-heavy-handed-christian side took over. Not two seconds later, the reality of my past and the sin I have yet to deal with roared up like a beast. God stopped me in my tracks, forcing me to face my own depravity.
My reaction was like this picture of the cat, I tried to make myself bigger, I hissed and spat at my own image. I was disgusted by what I was about to say, while it was truth it was not from a heart of love. It was not in an attempt to uplift, protect, or guide. It was a chance to make myself sound better then I was. The back peddling out of the conversation was painful and embarrassing.
I'm disgusted with my sin and my past, but Christ has covered it by his blood. I was forgiven once and for all. Someone told me once, "We do fight for victory, but from it." In other words, We have won! We already crossed the finish line, the battle is over, and we didn't do anything, but choose to accept it. Christ came into my life and changed my heart and placed His Spirit within me when I was six years old, He came in, He changed me, and He placed His Spirit. I didn't do any of it, all I did was accept His offer. This is the reality of my life, and I fail every day, and every day I have to come back to Christ.
So, here I am, disgusting and broken, being accepted and cleaned by Christ.
This is me.

Why the struggle?

Have you ever felt ice grip your soul?
All the air rushes from you and you're left spirtually gasping. You struggle to believe, to trust in Him, because something so against what you can accept has happened. You try to rationalize it, to justify it, and even deny it. The cold grip leaves your heart as a voice whispers in your mind, a fire boils up and you scream to the heavens. Your soul tears as you release your primal opinion of the injustice and crulty of the world.
As the fire cools, it hardens your soul and you turn your heart against your creator. He created and controls the world, thus He allows such pain and suffering. You begin to struggle, because His preasence is inside you. It's whispering, calling out to you, calling you to trust. You have to choose now, to allow His healing and trust in Him or continue to listen to the lies of the enemy.
You choose Him, your heart knows no where else is safe. A new fire flares in your heart, the rust and rubble burns away, but the fire doesn't stop. It burns down to the core of your soul, seeking every impurity, every dark patch. It is a refining fire, painful and wonderful as it changes something useless and ugly into something incredibly beautiful and perfect.
This struggle will repeat itself over and over until the end of time. Where is our faith? in ourselves...or God. I'm asking myself today.