I feel that my long absence requires an explanation. You know that whole waking up thing I mentioned in Dreamworld? And Breaking Silence? Yeah, it took a lot longer then I had planned.
Writers, when we write things like this type of blog, have to bare our souls. We could lie, say whatever we want, but with a title like A Journey for More than Existence you can't go around talking about puppies and rainbows, unless... you know, your life revolves around puppies and rainbows.
Mine doesn't.
My life has revolved around me, around existing, a most selfish endeavor. I'm not being hunted, dying, or fleeing somewhere. To simply exist is insulting to those that came before me, and those that will come after me since I am not in one of those predicaments.
Death came to my family again. My grandfather, dad's dad, had a heart attack. That was a while ago, and I was ready for it. He had been battling alzheimer's, and around 7 months ago he answered the door and did not know who I was. I began to grieve that day, and the day The Lord took him home I was filled with relief. He was not hurting, he wasn't lost, he knows exactly where he is and is whole once more. Sad, yes, I will miss him, but the world didn't end.
The world ended when I fled to the dark, when I sought relief in the darkness of my soul. I allowed sin to build a wall between my creator and myself, why? Because I honestly wanted to believe I could go my own way, that after having tasted the tree of life and having been filled with it's light... that I could do as I pleased. Was I wrong? Oh no, I could go my own way all I pleased... but I had to do so sitting alone, lying, filling my soul with false pleasure, just trying to regain the barest hint of what I had sensed once before.
This is not the first time I have tasted the sweet taste of true life, and it was not the first time I fled to the dark, clutching to the fruit I had gained, and trying to make it last long after it had turned to ash, even to my own mouth. To those outside of my heart, my actions and words would have tasted as honey, but to me they were a vile poison, reminding me of all I had run away from. A ticking clock reminding me that time was against me, and only one was the source of life.
I have returned to the light, fleeing the darkness and fire. The pit still calls, the pleasure of the dark sucking on my soul, but I run arms outstretched calling for aid. I smiled at Him who pulled me from the dark, but He did not smile in return, love was in His eyes, but hurt also. I was one prone to flee, and His arms were always open to me, but time was needed. Time to heal, time to learn, time to regain what had been lost between us.
As the prodigal son, I was welcomed with love and song, but the relationship would need to be rebuilt. I am not angry, gratefulness fills my soul. A fool I have been, pretending to return, only planning to run again because the world became more then I could handle. A selfish son, trying to steal the fruit of my brothers when I only intended to flee again, because the cost of my own meal was too great a price. It does not seem so great a price now, to surrender my hurt and pain, to give away my helplessness and gain strength.
Still... time is required. God uses time to teach the greatest lessons.
"And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
James 1:4 (ESV)
That is a promise, if you stand firm, if you hang in there...
"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6 (ESV)
There was a message by James Lynch was a major push that drew me out of the dark among other things and many incredible friends and family. I want to share it with you, the few that read this, because it's good and raw. Don't listen if you want cuddles and happy butterflies, listen if you're seeking the truth and desire life. God Bless.
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