Dreamworld

“Look, it can be nice, living in a dream world, it can be great, I know that. You can hide and you can pretend that all the crap out there doesn’t exist, but you can’t do it forever because eventually whatever it is you’re running from... it’ll find you, it will come along and it’ll punch you in the gut. And then you got to wake up because if you don’t, then trying to keep that dream alive will destroy you. It’ll destroy everything.” -Sam Winchester

There comes a time when you can’t run any more. People have different ways of running. Some drink themselves into oblivion, others escape into drugs, physical relationships, internet and mental fantasies, the possibilities are endless. me? I go auto-pilot, and simply function. Go through the motions and hide things away. On the outside, I look ok. I’m clean, alive, well fed, but there’s things that I joke about that show the deeper struggles. A messy room, not sleeping, endless gaming, not reading, being tired, anger snaps. These things show what is going on underneath. A man should not be content in his own filth, an adult doesn’t shrink from responsibilities. My childish nature kicks in and I use it as an excuse to get away with not dealing.

Why all this depression and angst? My uncle committed suicide nearly a year ago, I attended his funeral the same day I stood beside my best friend as his best man, I was in the same suit, only a few hours separated the two events. One so happy, one so crushing. The same night I found out about his death, I had to end the relationship I thought would never end so I could have my friend back to help me through the process. I had to shut down everything so that I could wake up, go to work, feed and clothe myself, attend a wedding, and a funeral. When I was ready to process, to cry, and deal, I was numb. All the hurt and pain and anger and grief had grown cold, slimy, and gross. It was like food that doesn’t reheat well, only that can be thrown away. These emotions could not.

Over time they thawed, a flash there, a blowup here. But in general I just stewed, moped, groaned, and complained. Wishing someone would comfort me, but truly enjoying the suffering. A wall formed, and I kept people out, got distracted, or angry when they wanted to know how I really felt. I wasn’t done with my feelings and I wasn’t going to be until I was ready. I was selfish. I was prideful. I was shameful.

Now? Tomorrow I leave the only job I have ever known, I leave a place that has been a second home. It’s full of joy and pain, love and suffering, happiness and anger. Over nine years of my life, a majority of which happened there, is coming to a close. It’s very bittersweet. I feel like a man who has seen the rise and fall of nations, I’ve seen friends and foes come and go, leaders rise and fall, students continue after their masters. Success and failure. Life and death. Stories of thousands have passed through the doors. But, that chapter is closing, the door will be shutting soon. I’ve tried to walk out with integrity and grace, but that has been difficult while carrying this crapload of guilt, stress and shame.

I’ve decided to wake up, it won’t be easy, but there’s a life to be lived and dreams are for the sleeping, not the waking.