Avoiding Sleep

I avoid sleeping... when I'm not already suffering from insomnia. Partially because.... it is a part of who I am, but also because I want to avoid the dreams.
Not nightmares, I haven't had one of those in years, and it involved snakes.
But dreams... because they're interesting, and strange, and stories are happening.
Mainly... I lose track of reality in them. I wake up and I feel like Neo getting ripped out of the Matrix, disoriented and sick.
But there is a Catch 22...


If I avoid sleep I start losing track of reality anyway, I lose my sense of self and a depression sets in. I become a angry, hurting, sad, lonely shell of who I am.

I think... that this is part of why Christians struggle...
Not with sleep... but with staying close to God, to daily seek him. It's incredible, fantastic, and dreadful, and terrible. Grace and mercy, and love surround you... but all the shields are gone. You're stripped bare of all your protection and the ugly truth is exposed. You get a choice, deal with that crap now, or run and hide.

I run and hide a lot.

He finds me... asks where I am. And I choose to either stay silent, or say "I was ashamed."

I stay silent often.

Why?

Because I have an enemy, and he knows every weakness.
He lies, and cheats...
They're pretty lies, seductive and pleasing... for a moment.
The guilt...the shame... it grinds against my mind.

My sword is broken... my shield is shattered... armor is bloodied and dented.

This is where I am. Come to my rescue. Will I stay in this darkness? Can I get out soon? I'm weary. I have no strength left. You reveal your strength in our weakness... where is that strength? Will it come soon? Will it hide much longer? Am I blind? Why is my heart so hard? Why am I numb? Can I feel again? Will the world cease to end around me?

I once knew the light, but was it a lie?
Can I see the light again?
Can I see the true Light?
The One Way?
Jesus.