50th Post or A Return from a long absence

So, I haven't written in a really long time. Honestly, I've been afraid to. I'm normally fairly public with my life, I never want to feel like I'm hiding for any reason. Fairly public is a good way of saying I'm open, but not always about the important things.

My writings reflect me, and I have to be careful because I can shape myself into what ever I wish to be. I can share only the good and make myself appear to have no problems, I can complain all the time and make my life sound horrible. With my writing I can make people celebrate, or hurt, understand, love, or hate. Not because I am an amazing writer, or have some special skill. That is simply the nature of writing, that is the power of words. But not only the written words, but the spoken, mulled over, considered, hinted, feigned, possible, and thought of. Those words have power.

There's a reason God spoke, had his people write, had monuments and alters. They are remembrances, for us to remember His power and promises. The unspoken words have had a major control over my life. What people didn't say was often more important to me than what they did say. I would go over possible things, base then off of things they had said about others, and even fuel my own self-disgust with things things they MIGHT be thinking.

It was a foothold that allowed the enemy to take hold of me and take control. I hated myself, believed I was a horrendous friend, not worthy of any affection and love. I grew paranoid and frightened, anything out of the ordinary was something I had screwed up. It was terrible, I lived most of my life that way. Last year I shut myself away, became everything I despised, locked away my "Christian" nature and lived how I pleased. It didn't last long, but it felt like forever. Even when I "rejoined the fold" I was still broken, and I believed that who I was had been lost forever, and needed to be created anew. That is what being a Christian meant, right? A new creature. New life.

But God had other plans. I had a hunger, a sickness that couldn't be cured, a desire like something lost in a dream. I was seeking something, and I heard about a class. People said that it was like "going through hell" and they said it laughing, smiling. I wanted that, I didn't want a life of ease, I wanted to struggle. I didn't know that then, but something rose up in me, and I knew I had to be in that class.

There's nothing magical about the class, it's just a gathering of people who are seeking God, and because they are seeking... We are finding Him. He is revealing Himself in us, the seeds planted are being watered and they are exploding in growth. My most recent growth was a startling revelation. I, or rather God showed me, that I had been running, not from God, but from myself, who He wanted me to be. I had already been created new, and was being renewed every day. But I couldn't shape me, I didn't know how. I had to let God. To let Him love me, and show me. He showed me how I had used my anger to drive wedges in friendships, my bitterness to poison the waters of fellowship. Out of my own denial of who I was in Christ, the enemy had a heyday and damaged many things. God will rebuild or restore, but I first had to accept my own failures, and give them up. To no longer accept ownership of them, Jesus died so I could walk away from sin, and His Spirit is within me to give me the choice to say no to anything unholy.

I have given up a few things I held dear, and gained new ones. Better by far than what was given up. I have hope again...joy holding steady. Love, compassion, caring. Desires to help, and a sense of direction. I don't know exactly where I'm going, but I know my next steps. I'm ok with not knowing the whole picture. My temper is lower, my anger not so quick, I'm letting go of old frustrations. Old hurts. I'm growing. It hasn't been easy, the desire to just give up rears its head, but I have to give it to God, or cast it away in the name of Christ. I still stumble, but God hasn't let me fall. If I lean on Him, I will always be given a away to escape temptation.

So, onward I go.