I Believe.

Two words. A simple statement of fact.

I.  Believe.

I believe cats exist.

I believe air can be breathed.

I believe we landed on the moon.

I believe in Jesus Christ, Messiah, Holy One, Lamb of God, Savior,  Master, Lord, God, Father, Brother, Friend.

I believe.

I've spent years wondering... Why do I believe? Believing in a creator, a god was as natural as breathing to me. I've even tried not believing, and found myself saying to God that I didn't believe in Him... yeah.

It's as ingrained in me as my own DNA, in fact... I could say it is my DNA.

Brains more complex then any computer built by man, (contained in an object the size of a head and made of flesh not electronics), eyes, hands, feet... cells...

Heck, the process by which TREES exist... I only see a creator. A designer. A master in all areas of art.

Do I have a point?

Not really. I just believe in God, I believe he became a man and died for me and every person who walks by me day by day.

And the more time I spent wondering why I believe, the less time I spend behaving like I believe.

Some think we're crazy... believing in something we've never seen, and I don't blame them.

I've got to believe... because, Life would be pointless otherwise.

I could debate, beg, and try to convince anyone who reads this in God, and maybe... I might.

But I couldn't change their hearts, or give them joy that weathers everything, free them from mental/spiritual bondage. I can only believe that God will do that for them.

I won't stop blogging, erratic as it is, and I won't stop striving.

But I think I'll stop asking why, because the answer is "I believe in the Death, Burial, and Resurrection of Jesus. That the shedding of his blood cleansed me of sin, and I will be with Him in Paradise. And that I have the opportunity to live a life to it's fullest here on earth until that day."

I guess I did have a point. :)

God's Will...

So LifeCity (My home church if you didn't already know) is currently doing a series called God's Will. But that's not what this post is about, however my pastor is quite excellent and you should listen here. :) Shameless I know, but it was a very good word shared. 

Onward! So, this idea of God's will has been on my mind, and for any one who has even remotely attempting to follow the Teaching's and Lifestyle of Christ then this question has crossed your mind. "What is God's Will for me?"

So, we start looking at Pastors and Teachers, Missionaries and Prayer Warriors, Healers and Servers, and we feel more inadequacy then we can handle. And we decide to just coast along waiting for God to tell us what our big mission is going to be for him! Apparently the Christian church is saturated with a Hero concept. Big earthly mission, big heavenly reward, maybe a little bit of press cause "unto all the world", right? And we listen to the big names in press, the big names in our churches, the visiting missionaries, and popular out of town visiting pastors! They have these incredible stories of how God called them to what they're doing now, and our hearts soar with excitement and we say "I can't wait until God does something like that in my life!"

And as time passes, the pastors leave, and missionaries return to their fields, you wait... and nothing happens. You get frustrated at work, your family seems to be a big distraction, "Can't they understand I'm waiting for God to call me to something big!", children grow up, friends move on or pass away, and you're still wondering why God hasn't called you to some big mission. Headquarters must have lost the invoice, the message was "lost in translation". And so you serve your heart out at your home church, and you settle into a life that is not as glamorous as you wanted. But something tugs at your heart, those kids in your neighborhood, the older widow whose alone, that friend you always meant to catch up with, and you go before God and say "I know I've probably missed out on the big mission, I'm to old and tied down now, life's gone by to fast, but... can you show me how to serve those around me? I can at least do that."

This is where something amazing happens, those people day to day, begin to notice that you care about them, that you care about who they are, what they like, and little by little you see them. They're hurting, or lonely, or even joyous and unpredictably fun to be around, they want to laugh, they need to cry, and one day there comes a moment that is the most glorious thing you can experience. Your friend, that you love, and have prayed for endlessly, whose debated with your over scripture and God, who you've gone on vacation with, and whose kids call you "uncle" or "aunt", he comes to you with such a light and joy in his eyes as he says, " I get it! I understand! I'm free, my friend, Christ has freed me just as you are!" and you, you who wanted to be apart of something big, get to see something huge and can rejoice personally in it.

Obviously this is a fictional concept, but it's happened to people. It truly hit me a while back when our CityGroup had a visitor, a friend who lived in Israel, and when we asked her What mission did he give her, what calling was pressed on her life...she responded in confusion. Her answer was simple, she just lived her life and shared Jesus as much as she could. No big calling, no giant mission, just living life. As I've studied the bible growing up, I don't see many if any mentions of people getting calls from God because they've ignored their lives and are just waiting. I do see him calling the faithful, the wondering, the lost, the busy, the frustrated, the limited, and the weak.

"Why the picture of the book?"

Because... I'm going through this book with my friend, and we're living life and experiencing the growing pains of following Christ together. We were talking today and noticing how each chapter we've gone through has correlated with events within our Church, our lives, and our friendship. We're not reading this on a schedule, we're reading it as we remember and have time, but what we've read has been perfectly timed. To us, that's an example of God's will in action. That the tools we need are appearing as we need them, the conversations, tugs on our spirits, and knee jerk reactions of "I just wanted to check in", are perfectly timed and designed by God for us to grow closer to him. We've been faithful, we've been wondering, lost, busy, frustrated, limited, and weak. The calling is  

"Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” Matthew 28:19-20 ESV

That is a blanket command... There is God's will for me.

Wow, do I struggle with that. But, I do not despair, I have before, it's not fun,  but there is grace, mercy, and strength, for the fallen, frustrated, and weak.

I hope this is encouraging to you.

Return of Affection...

So, I'm an affectionate person. hugs, highfives, bumping into, and just messing around are normal things I do to express affection for people. Not an uncommon thing, I know.

However, for some people, myself since that's my main source of info in this area... when we struggle with stress, change, hurt, anger, sin, addiction, we tend to withdraw from being affectionate. Especially while single. If this season goes on to long we begin to "forget" that we're affectionate people, and affection, especially physical, becomes awkward. Family and especially close friends aren't affected as much, but mostly new friends or friends whom you've had/having difficulties with.

That's been my life for the past year or so, but then the healing processes start and if said person is highly self aware that person will suddenly realize they have a vast craving for affection both to give and receive and their first thought is "People are going to think I've gone crazy". But thats ok, being yourself is a good thing and even if people think you're crazy it'll pass as they realize it's just you!

On my personal side of this season the effect of the "dark time" involved me not doing things I enjoyed, not wearing my rings/bracelets, finding grey/boring clothing, not watching tv shows/ movies that I really enjoy. While these things are not vital to me for existence, they are me, my personality, who I am. In small ways our style, likes and dislikes, all add up to who we are and how I believe God made us to be. So, denying those things is denying who I am, which drives me deeper into the "dark time".

So coming out of this season triggers a rapid amount of changes, (coming out of this season being last night and today) and a major sense of being disoriented. Like getting glasses when you haven't had them for a long time. But there's this amazing feeling when you know, "I'm being me as I am, who I am, and its good." These are times of celebration, not to be over analyzed and deeply understood, just experienced and enjoyed.

So this is a celebration post of freedom and good feelings :) Yay!

So, if you read this and I'll see you anytime soon be expecting a hug, in fact just walk up and get one! I won't mind!

On Leadership...

"Many years ago", as in almost ten, I was told "You are a natural leader." I laughed, I would still today if it wasn't for where I am now. As a fifteenths year old the idea was laughable, I just followed whoever would take me. Prophetic statements seem strange or laughable at the time that they are spoken, but when the reality of them comes true you can not deny it.

Now, I've never ever ever openly said, "I want to be a leader!". I've said "I prefer to follow", "Just tell me what I need to do", and basically have jumped from one service position within churches to another and have never truly felt fulfilled and satisfied in my labors. Surprisingly, I found myself suddenly in a leadership position... and it is hard work.

I understand now why we're called to pray for our pastors, and even our world leaders. Leadership is hard work, it takes thought, energy, intentionality, passion, awareness, strength, and wisdom. Leadership is about giving and giving and giving until you've got nothing left to give and you still do,  it's about inspiring others to more then they thought they could or what others thought they could, it's about empowering people in the abilities God has given them personally, and creating environments that inspire success and growth.

Leadership is also about giving grace in the times that need it, and firm fair judgement in times of conflict. And I am not a natural at many if ANY of those things! So, I laughed at my friend. But now, I think about my life and I look back at times with friends, and just the situations of life. And I see that being a Natural Leader doesn't mean that leadership comes naturally to you, it means people naturally gravitate towards your leadership. Good or bad, they will lean towards it.

Natural leaders are magnetic and they can't help but gather people to themselves. I'm not... A Outwardly excited happy rainbows and butterflies kinda guy that makes people feel good, but I can't deny the influence I have. That means I get choices, I can keep running from group to group, I can lead begrudgingly and miserably, or I can accept my struggles and strive to excellence with joy.

I've been through the first, I'm coming out of the second, and am going into the third. What changed? I got tired of moving around for the first, it became exhausting to keep running. On the second, I realized the effect that unhappy begrudged leadership has on the people following you.

Also, my eyes had to be opened to what all my teams and I do. We build a stage every single week, we put together sermon slides, and utilizes our graphics and creative teams efforts, and the combined efforts of the different teams creates something amazing. I had to see that, nothing physically changed about the work, but I could finally see what other people saw in it.

I still don't exuded butterflies and rainbows, but I can smile, laugh, and enjoy the place I've come to lead. It doesn't change the work, but I think it changes the weight of the load.

Brotherly Advice...

I have two incredible siblings. They're both very smart, mature and wise beyond their years, and fully capable of facing the world. I've never been concerned for them in safety or stupidity of action because of these facts. I certainly never thought I'd be giving them advice on life...
I was wrong, but I've been right! Weird statement, but it's true.

I've actually had things to share when they have questions or concerns, I've had experiences so I can warn them, made mistakes so I can show them better ways. I never thought about the things that they didn't see, the things they didn't know. I figured they learned enough from what they did see in my many varied mistakes in life. (All made by me despite warning labels!) ((Also, if you have younger siblings: THEY ARE WATCHING YOU!))

I was blessed with siblings that looked at my choices and actions and said "Well, that was stupid, I know what NOT to do now." Rather then the ones who tried to reenact what I did. They had a wide sample size, but as life is moving forward, as they grow and enter into situations and experiences of their own... I find myself not only having things to share, but knowing how to share them. How to point to their strengths and weaknesses and saying "Here, use this, avoid that, you can do this." I've also had the joys to watch and be apart of other peoples lives and I've seen good and ugly, and I've been able to incorporate not only those, but the successes of each of them to each other.

As a big brother who grew up just a little to close in age, we were always growing together, what one was experiencing the others were too. That changed when I moved out, and I missed it, the growth and experiences in my life dwarf theirs to some degree and I didn't realize it until I started being around them again more.

And I don't think they realized it either, or in my brother's words. "So, when did you become all wise and stuff?" I didn't really have an answer to that, because I was over here stewing in my stupidity. Wondering what could I ever share with anyone that would be helpful?

I get the opportunity to not only share advice, but to get instant feedback (which has been very positive...) on it. I get the opportunity to be there, and when they bring things up I don't need them to fully explain, or in the words of my sister. "I can tell by your face... ok! so..." which means I'm not giving blind advice into an unknown void hoping something works!

This made me think, God didn't just shoot ideas into the dark and say "I hope someone listens...". He gave guidelines and warnings, ways of living, and a future goal to look forward to. 

Galations 5:22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

This is what we strive for... or should be. Who's against a person who shows love? or dislikes a joyful person? A person who is peaceful in everything? What about someone who is always patient? Always kind? Just a good person? Someone who never betrays you? Always gentle? Fully in control of themselves?

No one, no one I've met, and if someone did its only because they don't see those same qualities in themselves, and that's not on me. If someone has an issue with me being loving, joyful, peaceful, patient, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled... then I'm going to show them more love, I'll be kinder, gentler, more patient.

I want to share these qualities with my siblings, their future families, my friends and loved ones, the random people I meet throughout the day. I want this because in doing so I get to be more like Christ, and the more like Christ I am the closer I am to the things His heart loves. You do the things that the love of your heart loves, and Christ loved my heart long before I loved His.

So, I want my advice to my siblings to always point towards love, so that they guard their hearts, save their affections, and live peacefully with everyone. And have fun while doing so. :)

The Yo-Yo or the Hand?

Sometimes you just have to write. Tonight is one of those times.

Today was one of those "I've been really productive but I don't have anything to show for it." days. This plus other human struggles of spiritual failure had me in a funk. A funk that would not release, and technically hasn't lifted yet. God has this way of pointing things out to you though, especially in these low moments.

I picked up a dusty journal and flipped to the bookmark. Date 1/15/13, so... a while ago.

In that entry I discuss my struggles with controlling my tongue, the need to love from my spirit and not out of obligation. I also wrote down a prayer,
"Dear God, I have a heart of obligation, not love. Please change that inside me and the root of what has caused it."

I don't pray that way anymore... I don't even think that way anymore...

I'm in survival mode. Bills and Food. Work and Church. Which is why today... getting ahead on laundry and doing dishes just because felt weird, and started this profound chain reaction of frustration and self loathing that kept building until I opened that journal. Now in that entry I also mention having to buy a Yo-yo, the one in the picture. I had to buy this toy because God put a picture of it in my mind, but I didn't understand why. A good friend told me to buy a yo-yo, and wait for God to tell me. I mulled over it, forgot about it, found it again, mulled again. I had many theories but nothing was solid.

After reading that entry I looked up... at the yo-yo. Sitting right in front of my face, and I had my answer.

I am an 11 o'clock hour guy, I thrive in the stress of only having moments to get things done and am decent at making them acceptable. I am so much this way that it is infused into chores, bills, hygiene, friendships, my life.

What does that have to do with a yo-yo? A yo-yo can not return to the hand without momentum, it has to be spinning, otherwise it becomes immobile. The person must then roll it back up by hand and start again. I had lost momentum, become still. I was the yo-yo, God the hand. I would jump around on that string at the 11 o'clock hour, but would become limp again. So long as it has momentum a yo-yo can be easily drawn back to the hand, the longer it's still, the more tangled the string becomes, the harder it is to get it going again.

I wasn't allowing God to untangle me, wrap me back up, and get me rolling again. I just wanted to be still. God wants to show off his skills, to show the world what He can do with me, to dazzle and bring joy in the wonder of all He is, and I keep tangling the string.

I like being real, I like being open. So, if you're struggling with momentum, let God untangle you, roll you back up, and give you push. You'll keep returning to Him when you've reached the limits of your abilities, just like a yo-yo returns to the hand at the limit of it's string. I'm going through it also, so you're not alone.

Silent Step

Some things are celebrated loudly, and others are silent.

The child's first steps are to freedom from crawling, and celebrated loudly with encouragement and support from the beginning.

An addicts first steps to freedom are often silent and alone, with no encouragement or support in the beginning. Shammed by their own actions, the opinion of the public, and the rejection of friends and family, they plod silently. Some fall back, and their silent or public struggle is unknown because nothing seems to change. The ones that truly want freedom do not always achieve it, the pressure is to great, they can't do it alone, they're ashamed to admit especially if they've slipped.

If you have friends or loved ones who struggle with any sort of addiction and want to be free, shield them with encouragement, cover them with prayer, hunt them down when they go silent. Silence is shame, silence is hiding, silence does not mean everything is good or going well, and sometimes they are not strong enough to stand. Years of shame don't go away in a day, and they do not want to disappoint the ones they love with their failures, silence is dangerous... because they've either given up, or decided to fight on their own.

Just toughing up, or just pushing through doesn't work for all. It's long and painful, and they will fail. And if they feel deep shame, if they do not have people they trust to understand, even if they do trust and have those that understand, they will hide ever deeper away. And the silence will continue, and smiles will remain fake, laughter hollow, and joy gone. Do not take their hiding personally, they love you and trust you, but they're scared and hurting and need love.

I'm thinking of those today taking silent steps, press on, and pray for the hearts around you, try not to remain silent, but pray for others eyes to see if you must.

You're never alone, no matter how dark it gets.

Others struggle, and God is there... even when that seems impossible.

So, press on brothers and sisters, don't lose heart.